Just take a hammer and drive a freaken nail into my heart! - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just take a hammer and drive a freaken nail into my heart!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Deb

It certainly sounds like an alcoholic rant to me. Her coming back with the lame excuse that she was "kidding " .That she was saying the reverse of what she meant!!! That is even more like the alcohollic insanity that I have come to know.

As Glad suggested, it is a good time to pull out those Alanon Tools such as the First Step.

Being powerless over peoole enabled me tos see thru their destructive behavior and take care of myself.

Detachemnts is the key

Please Let Go and Let God

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 10th of February 2012 10:06:52 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of February 2012 12:21:36 AM

Ariel · Veteran Member

Debilyn, since I have been on the boards, you have treated everyone with so much kindness and took the time to reply to so many people. I am assuming that your friend is an Alcoholic, by your "I mean A's are sick."?

It seems as if you were the easiest target. Sometimes we take things out on the people closest to us. The most difficult part of it is the WORDS. Words have so much power. They are so very hard to forget. If you felt angry I wouldn't blame you. But you have to know that this is not about you. If this is atypical behavior for her, then she may need professional help, and it may be you that needs to help her get it. Perhaps to get some closure, maybe you could ask her why she did it, and get to the parts that really bother you. You deserve an explanation. The more I read, the more I think that A's have sociopathic tendencies, and genuinely enjoy getting a rise out of others and gets a high out of hurting others emotionally, especially when they know they've gotten to you.

Being a woman is very difficult in so many ways, especially when it comes to dealing with other women, at least in my own experience, and don't get me wrong, I love my girls & couldn't live life on Earth without them! Sometimes I feel like I am in junior high. I've had the same friends since the 6th grade, and I am 34 now. It was just the 4 of us throughout life. We were like one entity, like family. But since I quit drinking altogether, and quit going to places like bars and clubs, they have decided to exclude me from their lives. The girl I was closest to and have talked to 1-3 times a day since I was little has stopped talking to me; another excluded only me from her wedding; and the other just doesn't acknowledge my existence until she wants a discount at my business. It can hurt - but I decided not to let it anymore.

She is probably on her own journey and she is very lucky to have your forgiveness and you in her life!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Something is very wrong here, clearly. What is JW's? I missed that reference.

All I can think of is "Hurt people hurt people." It sounds as if she immediately knew that she had done something wrong. What allows people to snap is very strange and puzzling. I had something similar happen to me once and it let me see that someone I thought had it all together was actually pretty messed up at heart. That person also said, "Never mind, it was a joke," when clearly something weird was going on. I moved on, but it was still odd.

I think sometimes we only see half of what is going on in people's emotional lives. If we knew everything, we'd probably be shocked at how often people are angry, justifiably or not. I'd guess we'd also be astonished at how much we mean to people who also don't say it. Only every once in a while do we get a glimpse of people's inner landscape, whether it's of anger or deep caring.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending hugs and support. I'm so sorry that you were attacked cry

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I am eternally grateful for the al-anon tools which help me survive this senseless world!

I'd love to hear which tools are helping you during this time, the steps, the slogans, detachment, sponsorship, etc.....

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

D - I have never seen anything on these boards that tell me you are anything but a kind, caring and special person. Do not let this person's issues take that peace of mind from you. We all get attacked by those closest to us because of their disease, do what you need to take care of yourself. Just read these posts and know you have friends and support here! Hugs and prayers. sg

danni · Senior Member

Sending you support! This sounds very confusing and upsetting. I apply "Take what you like and leave the rest" to longtime friendships. This history is unique, and I sometimes choose to allow for more than I would in a new friend. I have also let longtime friendships go. I used to burn bridges, but since Al Anon I am learning how to set boundries, Live and Let Live, and detatch or, sometimes, let go with love. Your friend's struggle does not need to become yours. big hug!

amills4294 · Senior Member

OK - I tried to post but it got blown out - hate that when it happens... I"ll try again.

I'm so sorry you were "attacked". It's a horrible feeling when people attack you. It makes me start to doubt myself - hurful words can be very powerful... I hope you can turn those words over to your higher power. Most likely they were a reflection of something your friend was dealing with and she inappropriately attacked you. I know I've been guilty of it and I have a spouse that does the same and he knows he does it and has chosen not to work on it. Maybe you can let some of the hurt go by writing about it... write down how it felt to you and then release it to your HP.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, I keep thinking about how you told me to get a gunieau pig to eat the weeds in my front yard. You are so cute sometimes. I am dealing with hard people right now as well. I have to remember it is their problems, their insides.. not MINE!! I second what gladlee said. With you in support right now.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry this happened to you! I hope that you realize she maybe had an issue with a Jehovah's Witness that was not you and it sounds like misplaced anger to me. Be careful not to isolate yourself away from all of the human race, as messed up as we are, we do keep each other in check also. You are a sweetheart! Sending you love and support!

stephaniej · Senior Member

I'm so sorry you had to go through this...it makes me think a bit of what someone once said to me...the person you love the most is also the person you hate the most. And sometimes that happens because the person you love has had a terrible day, or they have heard something untrue, and they lash out at you knowing you will forgive them, because you love them so much. Not fair, not reasonable, but it is what it is. Just like with our qualifiers, we ultimately set the boundaries on how much of that behavior we will tolerate in our daily lives. It sounds like a total once-in-a-lifetime incident...if that's the case, it sounds like you are taking the high road and moving beyond the incident to preserve your friendship. You are a wonderful, giving, caring, strong person, and we are all lucky to call you our friend.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Hi Debilyn,

I'm sorry you were hurt this way. You are surprised by your friend's behavior. Maybe there is some stress that caused her to act out this way. It would be a reason not an excuse for the emails. "Feelings aren't facts." You know who you are so her unkind words don't have to second guess your life choices. Her actions really remind me of my early days in Alanon when I was a newcomer and my life all about drama. Of course, I don't know her or what she is about or her life for that matter. Her actions just called up some old memories for me of where I was when new and my life was unmanageable and I felt so insane.

If you really have a solid friendship with her, maybe it can weather this storm. True lifelong friends are rare. In emotionally charged situations these days I try to step away for awhile to really figure out what I'm feeling. Anyway, that helps me. I'm worth the wait. Sending you hugs (((debilyn))) tt

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You, of all people, are the most caring person I have had the pleasure of reading. Love for your animals spills over for love of people..... or maybe the love of humans spills over for your love of animals. I work in a zoo, so I understand your love of the animals. It sounds like you were in the way of an alcoholic rant. And an alcoholic apology. All of it came out of no where. You can't make sense out of nonsense.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn - I am wondering if you friend (ex friend?) has some sort of bipolar illness or something. That is exactly the type of thing my bipolar/borderline aunt does. She usually does it to my mom (her sister in law). She gets something stuck in her craw and then mulls on it and twists it around when in her less stable states and fires off emails that are full of vitriol and that make no sense. She then apologizes and sometimes gets angry again of the same stupid thing later on. Sometimes its as stupid as "you looked at me disapprovingly when I said ...." Anyhow, that type of action (sending hate mail) has psychologically unstable written all over it. Not saying the person isn't nice and capable of being supportive like she was during the death of your husband, but perhaps she has some mental health issues?

DreamsOver · Senior Member

I don't understand why people do what they do.

Human's are not as loyal and loving as our animals.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Deb))))))))))

Try to remember, hurt people, hurt people.... they don't know how to bring things to a place within themselves that doesn't bring harm and hurt to others.

Take a breath, and be grateful that you are not on the other persons end of this exchange... what they are or are not doing/saying is a by product of the pain and suffering they are experiencing.

John

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.