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Ok .. lol .. here is my little codependent self .. someone decides they are moving out. How long do I have to keep their stuff? Anything that is his I've stuck in trash bags. I've kept dirty clothes and clean clothes separate. It's not so simple that I can put it in a shed or put it in a garage. We have mice as we live in the country. So he's in town and I figure get your stuff, why do I have to look at it? He's in a place where there are no reminders of us as a family and every day I go into a closet I have to see his stuff. I've started sorting through little things to paper work, mementos things of that nature. I'm being respectful as far as sorting. I'm not going to figure out what he wants to keep or not keep .. lol .. that's on him I have my own sorting to do that way. I have already seen what his dad did which was take 5 things and his wife was left to sort through 33 years of marriage alone. It was awful and I truly don't want to go through that!!! I can see that totally happening. I could be totally wrong. I didn't blindside him or that wasn't my intension I text him and let him know what would be waiting for him. I also let him know if he needs hangers he can certainly take what he needs. I don't even have issues buying him totes .. it needs to be done though.
Am I being unreasonable to think when someone moves out even temporarialy they should take their stuff OR have somewhere else to store it? I need to heal and not have false hope that things might get better and seeing his things reminds me of that big time.
It hurts and I think I have been through enough. Any thoughts??
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My lawyer told me to give my AH a date to retrieve his stuff....and tell him if he didn't get it by that date, it would be donated. For what that's worth.
Before I got married I temporarily stayed at my parents in between houses. My Dad gave me the deadline of as soon as I got back from the honeymoon all my stuff had to be moved back out again.
At first I thought that was really harsh but truly it was not my space to leave my stuff in. So I don't think it's unreasonable to give someone who is not living in the house a deadline in which to remove their things.
Been there done that one , it used to drive me nuts when husb was gone to open a closet and see his things still there, a drawer a toothbrush always upset me . I packed his things up * nicley * and delivered them to his office if your gone your gone . Just my opinion.
Its pretty ironic that we co-dependents/enablers worry about being fair when they the A's in our lives seem to work hard to be just the opposite - they don't stress whether there actions are fair, or how what they do affects anyone as long as they are happy. Mine would rant about anyone owing him even a small amount of money but shrugs his shoulders when someone asks him to make good on a debt.
Just don't let HIM label you fair or unfair, do what YOU feel is fair to do; I packed up all his stuff (got broken in his break in though - all the work I'd put into ensuring its safety for naught) I even took pictures of some of it so that he couldn't come back and sue me for wrecking his stuff; a wall full of well packaged and labeled boxes would defend my side of the story. I let him walk all over me, took forever to get him to get his stuff, and I stil lhave a few bits and pieces, I fielded hundreds of questions from family and friends on why I didn't just throw it out on the lawn and set a match to it and i was SO glad when it was finally gone! Do what feels fair to you; what lets you face yourself in the mirror.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I did notify him that the stuff is at his place of residence and it was clothes so that part wasn't hard I'm putting other things in boxes and as they get full he can take them or I will deliver them.
See that's my take too .. gone is gone and it's not like he's trying to reconcile at this point. I heard a week ago Saturday he needed space .. well take all the space you want .. lol .. I need space too .. as in closet, cupboard and bathroom space!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My attorney told me that if he still owned the house with me, he had every right to the space. The only thing that really mattered to me was our shared bathroom and closet space, so I did box stuff up and put it out of sight, the basement.
I gave up on the idea that anything in life should be "fair," especially during the divorce. That's just me labeling stuff, putting myself in the god position again... it's not turning my will and my life over. Just my opinion. The program encourages me to honor myself.... and others.... as God's own. When I felt vengeful, I didn't feel good about myself....
In recovery, I certainly do have to "worry about" my behavior, no matter how I am being treated. If I don't, I am totally missing the point of recovery.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Been there! My AB used to say that my garage full of his things "shouldn't be a problem & why can't I just take things day by day?". I used to hate looking at his things, and it made it so difficult to gain progress. So I went through his family; nobody would take his things. So I put it ALL in garbage bags in the driveway. We live in a very nice neighborhood, so I hid it betweehpn my car & garage doors. I told him he comes to get it or I give it to Goodwill. I think He was trying to see how far he could push me & if I did give it away he could be the poor me martyr. He came to get it. ( Granted we have been off and on.)
So, absolutely no - you are not wrong. Breaking up is difficult enough, it's like a death. Rediscovering belongings brings up pain and memories, good and bad. You are hopefully in a place where you are finding the strength to move forward. You don't need anything to hinder that:). Overall, you have to do what feels right to you. Nobody can say that's right or wrong!
Now I feel like I better go get my stuff, which I should. I have left lots of things by my exAH for the last year and a half and not gone to get it knowing I am moving again in the next few months. Okay I will get off my duff and get it done. Now that I hear it from your point of view it isn't fair or right in my mind. Thanks for the perspective.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sending you support whatever you decide! I'm glad you are taking care of yourself by wanting what you want for yourself AND questioning your motives and actions so you can be more comfortable with the choices you make. Good job!
