The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't see that there's any reason you need to go. He can write you an e-mail or talk to you on the phone, if you're okay with talking on the phone. There is no reason you should feel compelled to do something that worries or upsets you.
I have no idea what he's like, of course, but this is also the kind of situation in which violence is sometimes used. The man figures out that the woman really is leaving him, and he wants to see her "one last time" to "talk about something important." She has misgivings but she goes. She doesn't want to be impolite or endure the hassle of having him pester her, and he's insistent. And he plays the guilt card and maybe she feels a little bit bad for leaving him when he's obviously suffering. And sometimes she isn't seen again.
If you really feel you need to meet with him, I would do it in a public place with someone you know present. Unless he has been violent before, in which case I wouldn't go at all. Your safety is much more important than politeness. Please take good care. We can't afford to lose you.
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 04:37:28 PM
He's still living in our house but I moved to an apartment months ago. He wants me to come see him tonight, says he has things he needs to talk to me about. Really dreading this. We haven't seen each other in a while and when we spoke on the phone last week he just tore into me. Went on and on about how I abandoned him and asked me if I would have left him if he had cancer... I was retaliatory and said no because cancer wouldn't make him steal from me. I know that was low. My problem is that my anger from all the lying, stealing, and cheating, is still fresh. I'm not sure what I should do if I go see him and he starts guilt-tripping me for leaving. I don't want to hurt him any more than he's already hurting but I really don't deserve to be made to feel like a bad person when I've tried so hard for so many years and have gotten nothing but pain.
Is it possible to go to an alanon meeting or are you going? With my ex he was a drug addict .. I wouldn't meet alone with him and that was a safety thing for me. If he wanted to talk publicly that was fine however being alone with him for me was a no no. Safety always first. Plus it helps keep people aware that they are in public and if they act out that there are witnesses to see what is going on.
Umm .. yeah .. I'm sure you do have anger about lying, stealing and cheating. It's important to deal with those things because they will color future relationships. That all takes a lot of time to deal with, and just because he says I'm sober now give me another chance doesn't mean he's really working a program of recovery.
Anyway, .. take what you like I'm all about safety. If I feel that I am being threatened in any way I want to find ways to help me be safe.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Since leaving my AH 10 months ago, I will only agree to meet with him a public place. He is currently still living in our home, while I live in an apartment. He has never physically harmed me or threatened to harm me, but I want to be sure that I am always safe since I am never sure if he will be sober when we meet. So far, this has worked well. He has never been to my apartment either, and that makes me feel much safer right now in my life. My sponsor and therapist both recommended to me that I always meet with him in public or take someone with me if that is not possible. As longs a he continues to drink, I have to take care of myself at all times.
"Take what you want, and leave the rest." - Alanon slogan
One of the things I have learned in the program is the ability to say no when I really don't want to do something. It is ok to say no to anyone at anytime. This was a new concept for me and uncomfortable, but it does get easier and feels a lot better. It was recommended to me to not make any major decisions until I had spent at least six months really focusing on my recovery and attending meetings. i am so glad I listed to that! What I thought I knew and wanted before and after those six months of information and support was COMPLETELY different after six months. We deserve to take that time and energy for ourselves to take care of us in a more clear and thoughtful way to be able to make more clear and thoughtful decisions. Sending you lots of support, whatever you decide. Keep posting and keep coming back!
Vesu, Sounds suspicious to me. If all he wants to do is talk with you, then he shouldn't need control of where that happens. I think it shows that he is trying to maneuver you into a position where he does have control - the same reason he is trying to guilt you. And I don't know if this will help you or not but - my AH did have cancer. Lost his larynx to cancer at the age of 41, now breathes through a hole in his neck. I love him; I spent every day and night with him during his 2 week hospital stay. I was willing to change my entire life to help him with this; to buff up and learn to do water rescue so he could still swim and boat, etc. I was willing to do ANYTHING to help him adjust to this change, because of my love. But he is an A that isn't terribly interested in getting better, and I eventually decided to end the relationship (he moves out this weekend), and the reason for this is so that my soul won't die. Dramatic, but there it is. I felt like I was slowly dying- physically and mentally - in that relationship. I think I told you this because I want to emphasize that although alcoholism is a disease, there is an element of choice there. Our A's can choose the path of recovery. And if they don't we have the choice to accept that or not.
Sending good thoughts your way - keep coming back!
Oh my gosh, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was afraid of him, I'm sorry! lol! I should have chosen my words more carefully, the dread was more of the guilt I knew I'd be feeling. And yeah, there was a lot of that.. but mostly I was glad to see him. However there was one point when our voices started to raise but we both recognized right away that that wouldn't get us anywhere so we ended up parting and spoke on the phone later. The phone conversation was much more productive than the face-to-face, we realized we're not quite ready for that yet.
I can understand what he means by "If I had cancer would you leave me?" Because it IS a disease, however. The disease runs through the family and you have to think about what is best for YOU before anyone else. When he guilt trips you I would try to remind him that you care and want the best for him but that you also care about yourself and want the best for you to. There is nothing wrong with being apart at this point in time if that is what is best and most healthy for you. His program (if he has one) is his own, as yours, is yours. He is going to the hardware store (you) searching for bread (compassion, care, sympathy, love.) That's an al-anon saying and its common. Right now you feel resentment and anger and that is all so normal. What he needs right now he cannot get from you just as what you need he cannot give you now. There is hope for him in AA, with a sponsor, reading the big book, aybe rehab, and surrounded by AA members, whatever he needs. And there is hope for you too, in the same light, in al-anon, surrounded by al-anoners, reading literature, getting on this site, and with a sponsor. The tricky part is that you cannot force him to do anything, you do not have control over his choices. When I realized this I wanted to shout it at him to work his program, steps, get a sponsor etc.. cuz I was doing it. What I learned, however, is no amount of telling or expaining worked. My husband had to come to these realizations on his own. So I kept my sanity and my nose in my own business and I worked my program. F2F meetings are great. You will love them!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
