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I did some self care this weekend I went and got my hair cut and had it colored, ... felt so good to take care of myself. Today I had a dentist appointment, as well as a therapy appointment, as well and in a couple of weeks I need to schedule the physical I have been putting off for ohh .. let's see 3 years now. I really need to pay attention to eating though I have been eating, however I know I've lagging a bit. So I will be focusing on that in the next coming days. I didn't have time to exercise.
It was also court day today and without boring everyone with the details (they were a little gory) and believe me there were many. I did pretty good program considering .. LOL .. however I had a few moments of throwing the program straight out the dang window looking back at it and saying .. not today, .. after the past 9 days I am entitled to have a tantrum. My 8 year old rocks in specific situations and I let her go a little, .. somehow I managed to keep the mud off of me I did get a little speckled, again .. considering .. it's all good .. lol. She has the ability to say things and keep them in perfect timing, as well as presence of mind. I keep going back thinking .. do I need to make an amends for anything and NOPE can't see it at the moment. My attitude was I will not create a crisis however I will also not prevent a crisis of natural consequences from happening.
I have thought about other people and how they would have chosen to handle this situation and believe you me I KNOW I have been doing extremely well. Even my therapist kept kind of watching me as I spoke .. I think she was waiting for me to curl up in fetal position I think and it just wasn't happening and that's ok! I feel really good emotionally and even physically. I keep checking the date going .. oh bother .. LOL .. HHALT could be coming soon.
Pineapple's post about hurtful words really got me thinking about a situation and how different words hurt. It really upset me today and I had a few .. oi moments. My husband is finally out of SCRAM. I got to go for the first appointment and I went for the last appointment. I've had many people ask me why I needed to go to court today and honestly I want to see it through. It is not finished of course. I care deeply for my spouse and yes, he's a jack wagon, I can think of a few choice words to add to that statement for the hurt which I have felt and humiliation I have been put through over the past few months especially. Even if we don't stay together, even if he finds fulfillment in another relationship he is the father of my children and I want him to be well, if nothing else because of our kids. They deserve to have a dad who will be there and I want him to have that as well. They know they have me .. I missed out on my dad (not an alcoholic just a jack wagon), he missed out on his (alcoholic). I am proud of him that he's made it through another step in the process with no incidents, now his true test begins.
Anyway, I digress, back to the 2 SCRAM appointments today. The first one was to read the SCRAM just because it's Monday. It was before court. He introduced me as his wife and the man who reads the bracelet is a really nice man. He has no idea of history, what or who my spouse is and I'm sure for my spouse he's got someone who sees him as the nice guy instead of the addict that I can only see at the moment. I do see the glimmer of the man, however really for my own heart I can't stay there as it draws me backwards not forwards. As we are leaving .. this SCRAM man looks at me and says .. "you have got yourself a really good man, I hope you know that." I swear to God you could have picked my jaw up off the ground and the look that must have been on my face had to be classic. My spouses face was priceless and his eyeballs were rolling in the back of his head. What I wanted to say did NOT come out of my mouth. I had been praying for God to keep a hand over my mouth and let me know when it was good to speak. To speak clearly and honestly, to say what I mean and not say it mean. Thank goodness I had prayed that prayer.
The courts decided that there was no more need for SCRAM. Soooo back to the probation office we go to have SCRAM removed. I was still smarting about the issue of what had been said. How dare someone speak to me about a situation they know NOTHING about. I'm really debating about going in and saying something to this guy because he had no right to pass judgement of any kind on a situation he knows nothing about. So as I sit there with these random thoughts of blowing both him and my spouse out of the water (dang reminder about amends .. lol .. yup I'd be making one over that situation!). The SCRAM man must have noticed when we left before how upset I was, the parting comment from him was "I'm sure your husband appreciates all of the support you have given him." My response .. "I sure hope so." And I eyeballed him a silent prayer of know when to say something and know when not to, it's not always what it seems.
People say the darndest things. Children have an excuse for making inappropriate comments and sometimes they are biting without meaning to of course. Adults .. umm .. not so much, .. it really makes me feel like seriously? Can I just walk over and flick them in the forehead and say, umm .. maybe that wasn't so smart?? Amends .. those pesky amends are keeping me in check.
Hugs P :)
I am truly emotionally exhausted, my heart aches for him, it was good to see the process, it was good to be a part of it as well. Something I did say many times over was, .. I love and care for him and I don't want to see him go through all this again. I just want him to be well. He is very angry with me and I get it. The majority is misplaced anger, that's on him not me.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like you handled yourself very well. I love how you told the story of your day and I had a good chuckle about what you thought rather than how you reacted. Keep up teh great work! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
"I had been praying for God to keep a hand over my mouth and let me know when it was good to speak. To speak clearly and honestly, to say what I mean and not say it mean. Thank goodness I had prayed that prayer." I needed this Saturday NIght hahhahahahahahah!!!!woops. progress not perfection, man. Thanks for sharing Pushka. You are truly incredible. this program is about attraction rather than promotion.. and I want your serenity!!!
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 12:43:55 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
LOL .. OMGosh this was the one I could tell in the shortest most immediate way. Many opportunities for growth yesterday some I embraced and some not so much.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I love when I have my hair done, to me that is the best treat!!!
"My attitude was I will not create a crisis however I will also not prevent a crisis of natural consequences from happening." Talk about working a strong program!!! This is much easier to type then to actually walk through!!
LOL you prayed a prayer about keeping a hand over your mouth, I completely understand and I think I've prayed similarly because it's so easy to react and let the words out before I can stop myself.
You know that his anger at you is misplaced, which is important. You have the pesky ammends keeping you in check, ahh it's so not easy and yet you are working your program!
Good job P! Dealing with these insane situations with grace and strength says something wonderful about your character. You always give the best advice, be kind to yourself, keep taking care of yourself. Mental hugs and support are being beamed to you as a I type! :)
Wow! I was thinking about you yesterday and praying for you. What a wonderful job you did by keeping your prayers in line with your recovery. Think of how far you've come! Hugs to you, today, be gentle on yourself.
I'm a little sketchy today ... I'm so tired of the lying. I get he doesn't want me ... and you know what i"m soooo ok with that at this point because I'm in a place where I deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity and respect. I deserve to get to know me first and then decide if I want to get into another relationship. What happens in haste usually doesn't last long term. I understand that so much better now. I want to give that to others as well. I know I'm not perfect, it hurts though to be treated in a way that screams I don't matter and then I consider the source. I see how sick he is and it really makes me sad, not for me, for him.
I will share something very funny that is so not program, .. however it was my program went out the window moment. We were outside of court looking for a coffee shop and it is cold here this week. It's hard to find little places as most of downtown is closed up. Gotta love living in a small town. Well, I went to point to a place we might be able to go to and he jumped up and wanted to know who I was waving too. It's like apparently I now know everyone in our town!!! So I was just why does he care? Personally, I would think he'd rather me jump into another relationship (which is so unthinkable even in the far future) so I would move on and leave him in peace. It would relieve his guilt even.
I started randomly waving at people while we walked down the street. I know, I know .. so not program however yes, it did make me feel better because it drove him nuts!!! It's the lies, it bothers me more that he treats me badly and I lap it up as if I'm starved because I'm allowing it. The lies are the worst even though they aren't about me.
There were probably about 4 - 5 other situations that came up through out the day that were very much not program. I would state how I felt and move on. Sometimes not so calmly .. lol .. and other times I think he might have been a little scared because I was so calm.
I have another 12 months of peace when it comes to the kids though and I'm grateful.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ok so here i'm just laughing at the thought of waving at people just to drive him nuts - Thanks! my first ex husband used to have to look wherever i would look so sometimes I would devilishly look in different directions on purpose for no other purpose than to make him turn his head - not exactly nice but it was funny.....
I have a nosy neighbor who repeats what he's heard about my ex and makes comments like, "well, considering what he's done, if i were you I wouldn't help him like that" and i just smile and say, well, you're not me. Sometimes I'll remark to someone "you don't know the whole situation" which is so many times very true. It makes me try to be more careful at what I say to people because we don't know what someone is going through.
Pushka, your 8 year old inner child seems like she could be a useful tool if used properly.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
