"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

hurtful words

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Gosh, that was not cool. I don't necessarily think your response was horrible. Its none of his business. Sorry this happened to you. ugh, people don't think at times. me included. My first reaction was that this guy sounds interested in you or something... putting down your husband like that... I don't know, very odd. You just have to do the best you can with what you got.. in this moment. and you do that. don't beat yourself up over the comment, its natural to want to defend or to respond. this site is therapeutic, to just vent and express and put it out there what were going through. here for you in support.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Monday 6th of February 2012 10:38:04 PM

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

My A had an accident two weeks ago while drinking. I told two people about his fall/injury. A third friend knew about it because she was here at the time. She helped me get A to the clinic and stayed with me while he was being treated. Yesterday I decided I deserved/NEEDED an outing. I went into town for a nice meal with my friend (the one who was here when A hurt himself.)

While we were waiting for our food the owner of the restaurant came over. He asked my friend how her BF was. He then turned to me and said ¨I hear YOURS is prone to falling down and splitting his head. You've got a real prize there.¨ I was stunned! It would be bad enough if one of the customers had said that to me, but the owner of a business saying that to one of his regular customers!?!?! Without meaning to, I heard myself saying ¨Well, he wasn't always a drunk .¨ Immediately, I could have kicked myself for saying ANYTHING in response. What did I think I was doing...defending him? Myself? Us? I know this is a small thing but it's been on my mind and bothering me since it happened. First of all, I have no idea how he knew about this. As mentioned, only three of my closest friends were aware of it and I can't imagine any of them telling anybody else. Secondly, I'm still stunned that he would say something so rude and hurtful. And third, I'm angry with myself for responding.

My first reaction is to never set foot in that restaurant again. But it is one of my favorite places for the food and ambience. I also know from past experience that I run into this kind of thing whenever I go out in public-people telling me they saw my A walking down the street drinking fom a bottle, passed out on a curb, etc.

I know that what other people think of me is none of my business. But I don't know how to respond in these kinds of situation. Makes me want to just stay home and avoid people. Any ESH appreciated.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pineapple

I am so sorry that you have experienced this. I know in a small town people gossip and hurtful things are said/ I was living with my son for 3 years before he passed from this disease. If anyone made a comment about his drinking I would acknowledge it and say It is terrible disease I pray for him each day. That stopped any further discussion.

I do not like to give advise but maybe you could go to the restaurant owner and explain how you felt and how your hubby is a great beautiful person with a horrible illness

In my thoughts

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi pretty lady, yes one time My A husband and I, first husband went to an outside art showing.

My first boyfriend ever and his cute wife saw us came over, first thing I think she said was,"last time I saw you, you were three sheets to the wind." I was mad instantly. Being immature I did not know then what he does does not reflect on me.

Course the date was ruined. What does three sheets...mean anyway what does it have to do with being drunk?

Anyhow, I thought about your situation. What I would have done or done a bit later after I gathered my feelings and thoughts was this.

Go find the owner and pull them aside politely and said this." I really enjoy your restaurant, the food the atmosphere, I feel welcome." His response I am sure would be thank you...." whatever. then I would say,"I am sure the comment that was made about my husband was not meant to upset anyone, however,I want to continue coming to your restaurant and would appreciate his behavior not brought up again." Then let him/her know you appreciate how they always welcome you.

Its honest, its real, you are not saying he did anything wrong. When ya go back, shake his hand, or say good to see ya! Let it go.

Honey people don't know how tender we are, that we love them, that they are very sick. We would give about anything to have that sweet loved one back.

I would invite you to forgive him. Knowing you, I know you will make this ok.

hugs! lots ofem. give those critters love from me! debilyn

danni · Senior Member

Please be gentle on yourself in regards to your response. It hurts and is horrible, but this gives you the opportunity to grow and prepare for when someone speaks to you meanly/thoughtlessly in the future. It would bother me too, and I would have been totally caught off guard. Do you have a sponser you can run this by? I find that helpful. When I am feeling angry and overwhelmed with something someone has said, I pray for guidance on now to handle it and wait for it to come to me. I also think of the prayer at the end of the "just for today" bookmark, "... Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy." Then I keep repeating, "Where there is injury, pardon, where there is injury, pardon..." until I feel some relief. Hope this helps, and I am glad you are sharing this here with people who are kind and undestand. Easy does it on yourself, you did your best. big, big hug

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Pineapple,

I am so sorry that people can be dumb. There is no other way to describe what someone will say off the cuff AND think it's ok to do.

You are not responsible for your A's behavior (I gotta QTIP that one) and what other people think of me is none of my business. This is HIS disease and it is sooo not about you on any level. Also picking an addict as a spouse is not a crime. These are fellow human beings and children of God. There is good in them .. the disease is what is so insidious. The A is trapped inside of that disease. It is not you, and all you can do is the best you can do in the circumstances.

Be gentle so very gentle with yourself, of course you reacted to someone saying something stupid who wouldn't!? If it had been me today they may have gotten more than they bargained for LOL! I will have to post a story about that one.

You are a wonderful caring person, please be so easy on you.

Hugs P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Me Again,

I just looked at The Thought for Today at

http://www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk/pages/todays-thought.php

Check it out! It's very fitting

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my favourite sayings in the world:

Words can be used for two things, to either 'build up', or to 'break down'...

The restaurant owner made his choice, as his was to gossip and 'break down'....

Now it is your choice - do you want to 'build up' or 'break down'?

What he said, and how he said it, was inappropriate.... No need to worry about anything else....

I hope you keep 'building up'.... it feels way better inside!

Tom

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi my favorite Pineapple, what people think of you is none of your business. People can and will judge others to preoccupy themselves from looking within, it has nothing to do with you. I like what others wrote here. Most people do not understand this disease nor realize the shame and hurt that it brings, until they endure it they won't. I am sending you love and support!!!

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, everybody for your KIND words! No, I don't have a sponsor to talk this over with, that's why I come here to share and get ESH. After giving this some more thought, I don't THINK he meant to be hurtful. He's always been friendly in the past. I'm going to look at this as a thoughtless remark, not intentional- as Gail said, a Bozo moment. Today I'm able to be over it, not take it personally, and let it go. I will go to that restaurant again. Betty, I love what you wrote -¨If anyone made a comment about his drinking I would acknowledge it and say It is a terrible disease I pray for him each day. That stopped any further discussion.¨ I will use that in the future. It's true most people don't understand this disease. I'm so glad to have this place where I can express myself to people who do understand. Thanks again for the support and helping me feel better.

amills4294 · Senior Member

Pineapple - go easy on yourself - it would be hard not to react. I myself used to shoot from the hip all the time - especially if something was said about someone I loved. You have gotten lots of ESH. I have nothing any different except thank you for sharing and we are here for you !

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If hubby ended up in hospital or docs office after his fall , people talk . A practicing alcoholic has no anonymity , the ones making remarks about your husbands drinking on the side walk are rude and ignorant probably assuming there must be something you can do about his choices . Ignore them , silence after a stupid comment is very powerful quickly change the subject , I understand the need to protect and that you reacted your aware now and will be more guarded in the future . Louise

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

People talk. They talk for lots of reasons. Truly... I think most of it is out of interest in others and concern.

What he said was rude and out of line. Maybe it was his way of siding with you...who knows what his history is with alcohol or alcoholics -- maybe some of his history leaked into the conversation?

You know who you are...and I agree with the previous post...take the owner aside and let him know how what he said affected you. It may help him hold his tongue the next time.

Nanauq · Member

You know, as I look back on remarks made to me while my (second) husband and I were dating, before we were married, I can see now that some of them were not trying to embarrass my soon-to-be husband, or me - what they were trying to do was to warn me. People who had known him a long time knew he was a binge drinker, I did not. At the time I didn't understand, and probably wouldn't have believed them or listened if I had.

Right now I am suffering the shame and regret of having publicly lost my temper at a clerk who was being rude. Sure, he had treated me badly. But my reaction was out of proportion. Worse, I tried to "throw my weight around" and to act in a lot of ways that I really don't think are genuinely parts of my personality, or the way I want to behave or usually behave.

Being away from Al-Anon for five years, I let myself get isolated. I forgot to detach. I wasn't using any tools or slogans. In short, while I wasn't working my program, my disease accelerated, and I lost my temper and behaved like an idiot.

I don't really know what kind of amends would be appropriate or what to do. It's a terrible feeling, the shame and regret of behaving so badly. I'm sure that to most people I am the one in my current marriage who seems sick. They don't know about all the situations and pressures in an alcoholic marriage that built up to a public display like that.

I wish I had not stayed out so long but at least I've come back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"