The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you may know, I have been feeling a bit stressed of late.
A few things going on in my life... friends, work. My husband and I have been getting along fine. He has many many stressors in his professional life at the moment.
In my relapse, I have started checking and obsession again. Then judging myself harshly.
I looked at his pot drawer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I have no idea why in reality, I can only put it down to my reaction of my own stress and I have not the energy to fight it.
On Sunday afternoon I checked and it appeared at first that he had smoked pot. My mind started to race. I immediately chastised myself for looking because I didn't want this answer. I immediately had a body reaction in the form of a stress rash that comes up in my left inner elbow region.
I even relapsed to the point of asking him about his drug use again and then my brain trying to work out if he is lying. Everything was pointing toward the fact that he hadn't smoked.
But whether he had or had not was not the important thing.. It was what I was doing that was important.
I have lost my energy. I am tired of this. Of the counselling, the steps, the turning it over, I am tired of being on alert and double thinking my own thoughts to determine what is fact and what is just a thought. I feel like I have been doing a Masters in Linda and I need a study break.
Unfortunately, look at what happens when I stop being alert to my own conditioned responses.
I have done a gratitude list this morning. My stomach is responding to the stress but I have a big day at work. The only thing wrong is me. He hasn't had a smoke, he has smoked about three times in the past month.
I have never been in recovery this long. I know there are certain points along the way that are 'trigger spots' like the 6 weeks after sobriety kind of stuff. Is 6 months a 'danger point' if you get what I mean. Am I on the cusp of something big???
I am greateful for my husband and my life. I have my wonderful animals with me this month (I share custody with exhusband), I have a great job which I just won full time, my family is going well and I have no debt apart from my asset debt. I am relatively healthy as is my family. I love the weather we are having (tropical wet season) so hot and humid and steamy and storms...... love it.
It feels like my head is full. I can't take a break from recovery because I know I will slide backwards and go back to old habits, but it just feels like I am moving through treacle at the moment.
I know I have to hand it over, I know my HP is stil with me.... it just feels "all too hard" right now and I don't understand why. I can only presume its because of all the 'stuff' that has been going on and th edeep sessions wiht my psychologist
It is a push pull issue, it's ok just like anything there are going to be good days and not. I know I didn't get here over night and I'm not going to stop old behaviors overnight either!! Keep up the great work!!! Hugs p ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Linda, It sounds like you are too busy, too stressed. When I get overwhelmed, I get crazy. Can you take a day for you? Or drop some things off your plate? I think you need to give yourself permission to rest, mentally and physically, until you feel your strength returning. We all need that sometimes. -Iris
I relapse quite often myself. Actually just the other night, it popped into my head that I'm bottoming out again. Slowly but surely I was/am down there again. I've found at this time Toby's chapter, Be Gentle with Yourself to be helpful.
Linda, be kind with yourself. I relapse all the time, the most important thing is to get back up and start over. I can tell from your posts that you are a strong woman, hold onto that thought instead of focusing on your weaknesses. We all know exactly where you are coming from, you have nothing but love and support coming your way from everyone here. Hugs and prayers.....sg
we're here for you. its a process. I had a rough weekend too. remember that it is like riding a bike and maybe youre weak right now but you know what you have to do and you know how. get rest, literally.. sleep. you will feel better with time.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I think for me personally outlining my triggers is so key. When I am aware of my triggers I get less on the beat myself to pieces number. Of course the irony is that the triggers change!
I think some of us have very high expectations of ourselves. I was in therapy for years and my usual refrain then was when does it get better. The truth was it took years.
I enjoy my own animals a great deal, the other side of it is there a considerable commitment to maintaining them and taking care of them. Sometimes my own life makes that very difficult. I have had to review my expectations of that. I used to really beat myself up about it. The most important thing is that they are happy.
I think its progress to slip and slide. After all there was a time when it was all misery there was no slipping it was just total obsession and nothing else.
You are so right maresie.. at least now the slipping and sliding is because I am trying to get up the hill.. not just going in forever decreasing circles sliding down the hill and right up my own... well.. into my own head lets just say.
