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Thank you all for the support on my previous post regarding 'driving kids around'. I wanted to address the idea of deflection, a common tool that alcoholics use to make us crazy, LOL! Last night he was mixing NA beer with regular beer in a glass, LOL! Like I didn't notice as he got happier and sillier as the night went on. I told him yesterday that I am done talking to him about the drinking. I told him that I will only step in if it becomes a safety issue for our son or myself or others on the road, but otherwise he is free to do as he chooses.
Pushka brought up the word deflection and if you read my other post you'll see the examples of what it really is. At first I was thinking denial, but deflection suits it the best. Here's more from yesterday's conversation: He told me that he likes to be alone at night and that's his quiet time because he doesn't get any time alone. He works out of the house and I homeschool so all 3 of us are home together a lot, but after thinking about his stupid comment I realized that my son and I are gone about 20 hours minimum during the hours of 8am to 9pm during weekdays. If our son has a tournament weekend, then we're gone from Friday until Sunday night. So, telling me that he has no ALONE time is ridiculous. Then, the walking on eggshells comment was total BS, too. He made it sound like I go around screaming and yelling and blaming. Yes, I have an issue with the drinking but I don't walk around like a crazy person like he did for 16 years. His words to me were, "I now know you felt when you said you walked on eggshells around me because I do the same thing with you now." Umm, seriously? I walked on eggshells because I never knew what would set him off. He would rant and rave, blame me when the internet didn't work because I obviously did something on my computer that messed up our cable companies service, or that I did something to the garage door programming that made it not work anymore, etc. I could go on and on about the crap that he used to freak out about and get in my face about, making me doubt my abilities to manage a household and maintain my dignity. I have never done any of that to him. I feel like I keep falling into his traps, over and over again through the years. It wasn't until recently that I realized that he was a dry drunk all those years. I thought he had a personality disorder, jeckyl and hyde type thing going on, or he was bi-polar. Those things are possible still, but the anti-depressants have definitely taken the edge off of him lately. Now, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy because he's mister happy pants on Paxil. He never dealt with his issues that brought him so low that he finally was put on anti-depressants. The entire conversation yesterday seemed to be focused on how I'm the bad guy, I don't trust him (or men, in general), etc. Well, I trust people who are trustworthy. My dad wasn't trustworthy so I didn't trust him and I find that my AH isn't trustworthy when it comes to alcohol and I don't trust him in regards to that. But, I do trust him in regards to our finances, in regards to our home, in regards to his commitment to our marriage, etc. UGH, stop the merry go round, I want to get off! Anyway, regarding the deflection: for some reason, this particular word has granted me some serenity today because I know it's not me. I finally am seeing what he's really doing and finally coming to terms with the madness. Al Anon will be my saving grace, I just have to find a sponsor!
Oh, forgot to mention that he doesn't want me to talk to our son about his drinking nor does he want me to talk to him about it at all(at least that's how it came across). He told me that I will vilify him to our son and that it wouldn't be fair to him because he thinks I will throw him under the bus. You know, I think most normal parents would agree with talking to their kids about drinking, getting into cars with people who have been drinking, etc. I think he knows he has a problem, deep down in his subconscious, but he doesn't want to be held accountable and if our son starts getting involved that would mean he will develop a '2 against 1' attitude.
It sounds like you guys just don't talk to each other nice. ILD, why are you giving credence to his arguments if you know they are insane? Why are you doing this dance in your head and trying to dispute his claims? What is the point? This takes away from your serenity.
To a certain degree you are both deflecting, not communicating well, not enjoying each other and seem to be arguing over things cuz you are not happy with each other.
I get that his behavior is absurd and he has a real problem with alcohol. The blame game is going to have you both staying miserable though. His alcoholism and all the behaviors that go with it are like a patch of quick sand and you can just walk around it rather than sink in it. The argument over whether he is an alcholic or not is going to go nowhere. He knows you think he is and he thinks he is not even though there is obvious evidence that he does have a real problem now. I relate this to former posts about "Crazytown." It would seem he keeps inviting you to go there and you are taking trips there without knowing or meaning to.
ilovedogs, thanks for sharing your journey. Al-Anon has absolutely been my saving grace. I have been hearing that word alot lately.. grace. I bet my HP is trying to tell me something. I probably need more of it. I hope you can enjoy your weekend and remember "no one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them" Keep posting. I def recommend a sponsor, mine is absolutely crucial to my recovery.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
You know, over the years I tried very hard to deal with his passive aggressive behavior and manipulations and I just got caught in co-dependent land. I tried to fix everything, find the fires and put them out before he'd find out so that I could avoid his blow ups, etc. I do talk nice to him and we do have wonderful adult conversations when talking about our son, our home, and life in general. But, when it comes down to personal choices, spiritual talks, or anything that gets deep into our past we get into trouble.
Mark, I wrote a long letter to him last night addressing the things I found absurd about his arguments and issues with me. I was going to read it to him today but then I went for a hike and prayed about it and realized that I don't have to read it to him. I really just have to learn to accept what is and make peace with it. So, instead of getting defensive and protecting my position, I decided to let it go. I think I need to do that a lot more. My issue right now is 'how do I live with and continue to really love an alcoholic'? Being able to look past the alcohol abuse and see the man for who he is, for the man that I married all those years ago. Sometimes I wonder if too much damage has been done, other times I'm hopeful, and other times I see my son laughing and having a good time with dad and then I know I have to keep working at it. So, that's what I choose to do, for today.
Good for you! Progress, not perfection. It sounds like writing that letter and letting it go might bring more serenity into your life. I am glad to hear you talking about finding a sponser. It made a HUGE difference for me to have a daily check in with a kind, understanding sponser who has been there, done that. I cannot stress enough how much it helped me with my AH and my marriage, which I easily (for today) choose to stay in, even though my husband has never set foot in an AA meeting. You deserve that support! When I feel worried that I am a burden to my sponser, she reminds me that it helps her to help me, and she thanks me. That helps, because I don't like to be a trouble to anyone. When I was looking for a sponser, the first woman I asked kindly let me know she wasn't able to be my sponser. I had enough program and faith at the time to realize that it only meant someone more appropriate for me was around the corner, and was I right! So, easy does it and keep coming back! hugs
I do understand. My AHsober is a dry drunk and it feels crazier than when he drank. Have you read the "Getting Them Sober" books? They really explain that crazy making behavior. My AHSober always said that it was me who was crazy and not him. And I bought it. Alanon has helped so much. Hang in there.
