Feeling good and healthy--but still want to know - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Feeling good and healthy--but still want to know

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

We just read the pamphlet tonight in my meeting The Merry Go Round Called Denial. Its very informative. If you have not read it check it out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

They say the spouse often takes on the role of the provoker, meaning they snoop, nag, yell at, threaten to leave.. etc. I know I played that role and still do at times, wondering about my AH's program and asking questions that are NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Its hard to stop the patterns but it is possible. I am so happy you had a good day. I always find it amazing how quickly my good day can go bad or, ironically, how my bad day can turn good when I turn it over to my HP. Be gentle with you. You are a work in progress as we all are. You did the right thing posting here for ESH rather than acting on your impulses further. I hope you hear alot more wisdom than I can give, Im still new and learning but Al-Anon had immensely helped me to live a much more serene life. All I can do is be grateful for what I have been given and when I have those bad days remember I can start over at any time. Support and Prayers.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I find when I do things about that it's usually about finding relief that I'm not imagining things. I need the validation that I'm not the crazy sick person, (even though I act out in my own crazy sick way).

I've really just started sticking to I know what I know and trying to leave it at that. It still doesn't mean I don't want to know .. knowing what I know and you already know the drill on what will be said and the denial, I have come to a great deal of acceptance that the lying, hiding and so on are just so NOT about me.

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Usedtobe

I do believe that I searched out bottles because wanted to confirm my intuition about the drinking. I needed to trust my still small voice within and validate that I was not crazy.

Program taught me that being powerless did not mean I had to stay in denial I could acknowledge the reality of my situation, to myself, , accept it and than turn the situation over to HP

If I searched out the bottle and found it I would feel satisfied that I was not crazy and then be calm enough to say the serenity prayer and turn it over.

You are doing fine This is a difficult road that we travel.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, searching out the bottle was a way of letting ME know I was not crazy..much like Hotrod posted.

The part that did not serve me was the "right fighting" -- confronting him with the bottle to let him know I was the one in the right...

Detaching is often easier said than done...

Sending good vibes....

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

You caught yourself!! That is an awakening right there, wooHOooo

My disease is often triggered by their disease, on and on and on... the fear and anxiety, the compulsion and obsession... theirs and ours, its' all the same disease....

Would I rather be right? Or would I rather be happy?

You're doing great, you are changing the things you can ((my friend))

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Just want to add that, I can often relate to the UNMANAGEABILITY of step one, before I do the "powerlessness." When I start moving away from feeling calm, .... I say to myself, yep, it's feeling unmanageable right now....

And then I can do exactly like you are doing... going direct with Higher power, admitting powerlessness (working step one) and saying, yep, it's YOU in control, as always (step two) I am turning my will and my life over to Your care (step three)

And I just want to say, THANK YOU for bringing your honesty here, I love this fellowship for how we come together to "tell on" ourselves, when I have a "problem" the problem is me. ((hugs))

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Thanks all, I didn't do the "second search" so I consider that some sort of victory. It's hard the morning after when she's all smiles & sunshine and I'm still moping about, angry that I didn't get to--I don't know what exactly. I just feel like she is thinking "I got away with it!".

I was thinking last night how hard it is when I suspect she drank but don't have proof...but then I was thinking how it's just as hard when I suspect she drank and I DO have proof. No difference really.

Anyway, as our old friend RLC used to say, I need to hand her over to her HP and let him deal with this.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you powerless?

Powerless over not knowing? Powerless over her attitude today? Powerless over her disease? Powerless over yours????

Step one. The bedrock for recovery.

Then, I believe RLC would say, WHO has all the power? (moving on to step two, but FIRST, I gotta surrender to powerlessness..... make peace with powerlessness.)

danni · Senior Member

Great post and great progress! I can distinctly remember the first time I fought the urge to "search", and you described my feelings surrounding it EXACTLY. I can say that it really does get easier to let go (and let God) with practice. Every time i hear in the beginning of a meeting when someone reads the part about (i'm paraphrasing) "even well meaning people count drinks, pour out expensive liquor and SEARCH FOR BOTTLES...." I feel like for that moment there is a bright, hot spotlight on me. Well meaning? Perhaps for others. For me, there was nothing "well meaning" about it. I just wanted to KNOW and to punish. Did it ever help? No. Did it change anything. Never. Again, fantastic progress, and I am sending you my support and understanding, and excuse the excessive use of CAPS--I just had my coffee :)

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank HP for this site. as glad lee stated and I love this: "I love this fellowship for how we come together to "tell on" ourselves" Its so wonderful that we can get on here 24/7 and rat ourselves out or seek ESH. With you in prayers and support. Be proud of the small victories, we are all exactly where we are supposed to be in our recovery.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I have not read your other responses yet, I read your post and immediately wanted to share with you.
I can really relate to where you are at.
For me, it is like that looking and catching is my addiction. I have the need to do it at times but I don't know why... sometimes I find myself doing it and I don't even realise that I have started... then I feel disappointed in myself because I have done it again.
Why do I want to know.. so I can catch him out again.. yep.. thats exactly it.
Lately I have been reminding myself of the sickening feeling in my stomach with I catch teh lie and the using... I really hate that feeling.
Then I get the anxiety rising in my stomach because my head starts to tell me that he is lying and I have to know that etc etc etc.

I notice it is then that the roundabout of negative thinking starts.

I have to say a few slogans to myself... the serenity prayer.. and very often I literally have to remove myself from the temptation of looking. I have to avoid going into the house until he is home or awake or whatever.
I really honestly at times treat it like it ismy drug of choice. Positive avoidance.

I have felt sooo much better when I don't look.

In the past I have taught first aid... I am reminded of a principle in airway management in a spinal patient. When looking for a blocked airway, or trying to revive a person with expired air resuscitation, we must tilt the head back. If we think the person has a spinal injury we can try first by not tilting, but if no air gets in... we must tilt.. Ya see.. we THINK they MAY have a spinal injury.. but we KNOW they are not breathing and we treat what we can see and KNOW is wrong.

In my analogy. I am trying to revive. I am trying to stay alive and sane. The spinal injury is his drug use. I KNOW I am not breathing when I THINK he may have used. Either way, the most important thing is for me to keep breathing REGARDLESS of if he has used or not. It makes no difference to my neck if I don't have oxygen. It makes no difference to what I am going to do if he has used or not. So I sit and breathe and repeat my slogans to myself until the anxiety has passed.

I hope my experience has given you strength in some way.. take what you like andleave the rest. I will go read your other responses now.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The only point of searching for a bottle would be if you have set a boundary for yourself about her drinking and are going to end things if she is. Even if that was the case, you will soon see signs that make it obvious she is drinking so finding the bottle doesn't matter. Full on alcoholics can't hide a relapse that easily anyhow. So for now, while you are trying to make the marriage work, it doesn't help. I suspect that when things are going well, there is often a voice in our heads that says "something is going to screw this up." This would especially be the case after as many let downs and breaches of trust you and your wife have been through. It is hard to leave it all in God's hands, but you are still making lots of progress. Go easy on yourself.

In reality, a lot is resting on your wife's sobriety. The kind of wife and mother she will be hinges upon it. It must be incredibly hard not to exert your will over the situation.

In any case, I really respect you and I can see you are just trying to do your best and stay focused on your program.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

This also reminds me of how I have to LET GO of not having to KNOW THE OUTCOME.... trying so hard to control the outcome.

This program teaches me acceptance - to be okay with uncertainty, to MAKE PEACE with uncertainty, to make that decision to turn my will and my life over gladly because Higher power can certainly tell when I am just resigning myself, when I am not peaceful with it. For me, my life tends to fall back into unmanageability when I cant', or won't. If I cant' do step 3, I gotta go back to step 2.... or step one.

Not easy, I know. My sponsor always said, "God didn't promise easy. Just company." Thank God for this fellowship, eh??

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Hello used to be,
Your post made me think about my situation, which I thought I'd share just in case it helps. I have done exactly what you are doing - looking for proof - and I think the reason was both so that I could show myself that I wasn't crazy (because he would of course deny drinking), and so that I had a basis to confront, punish. Then, after years of this pattern, me wanting things to get better, hoping they would get better, praying . . . I looked to show myself that it wasn't getting better. For me, at a certain point, this led me to a place in my head where I said - "I don't want to live with an alcoholic anymore". And that was when I was able to set hard boundaries (always before my boundaries were moveable, replaceable, etc.). So, in April, 2011, I had an intervention of a sort with my husband, and I was able to clearly express what I needed to him. And that included: absolutely no more drinking or using. After many months of dry drunk behavior (still not taking responsibility for his actions and their results) he drank again in December, and I said (in effect) - OK, you pulled the plug, and this time I'm not putting it back in place this time. He is moving out next week. For me, what I realized, was that I was addicted to the hope . . . the hope that it would get better, that it would change, that this time it would be different. I so wanted to say to him when he drank in December "ok, but this has GOT TO BE the last time". But I HAD to acknowledge to myself that this was denial, that this was ridiculous. And so my personal decision was to acknowledge to myself, deep in my heart "I don't want to do this anymore", as much as that hurt, to give up the hope. I tell this story because I think what pinkchip said is clear and true - the only reason to look is if you have really set a boundary and are going to end things. If not, it only hurts you. It is so very hard, and I feel for you deeply. My husband is sunny Jim when he is not drinking and things are going well - he has been the sunshine in my life. But I made a very personal decision that the sunny days no longer compensated for the stormy, scary days. I couldn't bloom in that climate anymore.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

As I look back on the other night, I really do feel proud that I didn't look around the house more than just briefly. Like Linda said, it is almost like an addiction and I almost feel like I can't stop myself. But I did stop myself, and that feels good...anyway, I know it is trying to exert some control of the situation and continuing to try and exercise my will. And I bring it all back to my childhood and growing up with 2 alcoholic parents. I couldn't control that situation, I was just a kid. But now I'm a "grown up" and I can do something about it, right? Wrong. I really feel like this is coming together for me. It sickens me that my wife is still struggling with this, especially as she just finished outpatient treatment. But I can't do anything about it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

For me control = safety. Adults = crazy people. This is where my inner girl spins, .. if "she" can control it then it will be ok because "she" know better than everyone else.

The post right before this UTBN, you said something that is so classic RLC about turning it over to HP.

I can't, He can, I'll let Him.

Hugs P :)

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