The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is not going to stop drinking for me, or for anyone else. He continues to drink, and that is his choice. I have a problem with his drinking and I will continue to have a problem with his drinking. I cannot be with him in his current state of mind, and that is my choice.
We may not be able to come to a compromise. Right now, we are in a standoff. After 29 years together, with many wonderful memories and three lovely daughters, we might just have to go our own ways. I love him and I believe that he loves me too, but we have reached a fork in the road. I feel such sadness today, but at the same time such clarity. Do I want a divorce? No. Will I go back to him after 10 months of no change or progress? No.
My HP has brought me to this day, he will get me through the days to come. Thank you for letting me share.
I can't imagine how difficult this decision was for you. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, destructive disease. Sometimes they don't even have to be drinking for it to be active in attitude and actions. Wishing you much peace and serenity during a challenging time. People have suggested to me to stay close to the boards, sponsor, alanon friends, lit, just use your tools. You will find so much support and love during this difficult time. It is a roller coaster ride, however it also provides such grace, learning, understanding, and growth.
Sending you so much love, hope, peace and serenity, stick close to your program, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
So comforting to read that you have a HP that you can count on.
I got clarity after 36 years of marriage. I know how difficult it is to get a divorce.
However, after months of separation, followed by the divorce, I still felt attached to him and all the stuff that went with it. That is when I sought out Al-Anon. Are you attending meetings? Do you have the literature, such as the daily readers. They are comforting to turn to when you can't shut off your thoughts. The daily readers can re-direct you, put you on a positive path.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank you for all of your support. Yes, GailMichelle, I'm coming up on receiving my third year Alanon token at the end of this month, and the daily readers are part of my nightly routine. In fact, both of ODAT and C2C had very timely readings for February 1st in regards to what I posted. My sponsor is also a great support as I go through this very challenging time in my marriage.
When I finally walked into an attorney's office, I began to understand what my sponsor meant, "in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength." I did not walk in with anger, I was at peace, I was calm. Sometimes, I wondered who I was, I didn't recognize myself. My sponsor told me, God was doing for me what I could not do for myself, that I was in His grace. Sometimes she joked that I was now wearing a new pair of shoes!! My al-anon shoes.
Like you, I learned that we, in recovery, have choices. After learning all I could about alcoholism, I learned that an alcoholic has lost his "choice" to drink, rather, he has an obsession and compulsion.
I learned compassion for it when I did my own inventory work. And many al-anon's relate to the obsession and compulsion because many of us ALSO use a means to escape and avoid our reality. Sometimes it's with shopping, workoholism, busy-ness, internet addiction, focusing on others, etc. etc. I did all of that at one time, I completely ran away from myself.... and today I still have to watch my busy-ness.... busy, busy, busy!! I have to ask myself, what HAS to be done (the next right thing) vs. what is just an obsession, compulsion or distraction.... to avoid looking at, and working on, myself.
I am grateful for that discovery about myself, because now I have CHOICES about whether or not I'm going to keep practicing that old behavior (with all the resulting consequences) or practice something new. Active alcoholics don't have that clarity, therefore, they have no choice. It is a mental illness. Would anyone in his right mind do the stuff they do??! If my husband were in his right mind, I do not think he would've agreed to the divorce, he sobbed loudly in the courtroom.
Please keep sharing your journey, and all the ways your Higher power is guiding you, and providing clarity. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You are so strong! I am also at that fork in the road after 20 yrs of marriage; it is an interesting dilemma..living with the insanity and feeling the responsibility of keeping it all together or not
I appreciate your post and know that your HP will show you the way
