The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Such a strong feeling of resentment I have right now. My AH is making no effort and picks fights for an excuse. I do not engage, but by doing that, I'm told I'm ignoring him. He is not going to meetings, he's hiding his drinking and the drinking has increased.
When it comes down to it, I resent him enormously. I take care of our daughter, do all the things required to take care of a child, I pay all the bills in this house while he is spending his money on drugs and going to the pub. I don't trust that he can pick her up from childcare sober so I don't ask.
I don't know if I can get this resentment to go away or if there is anyway to deal with it but I need strength. Apparently he has bent over backwards for me for the past two days - includes making dinner and washing the floors.
Thanks for listening. I'm going to meetings, I'm reading the literature, but I'm not sure it's enough. I know al-anon is for me, but it would be nice to see some effort from his side not to drink all day.
I am glad you are e reading the literature and attending meetings. Recovery is a slow process and we have all held those powerful resentments. Please keep taking care of yourself, Live one day at a time, Focus on yourself, trust HP and make alanon telephone calls and work with your sponsor I assure you the shift will happen and you will begin to feel the difference
A justified resentment is a really difficult resentment. We aren't talking about someone leaving their socks on the floor or toothpaste lid off the toothpaste. These are real things that are very upsetting.
There are some great reads in the indexes of C2C, ODAATA, and In All Our Affairs on resentments. Something that has helped me is looking at my expectations in the resentments. Was I expecting something out of someone else that they just can't give, ... because they don't know how to or very literally they can't. (Am I going to the hardware store looking for that loaf of bread).
He is as powerless over alcohol as you are and probably even more so on a lot of different levels as he has to have the drink to make it through the day. It's what his brain tells his body and/or vise versa.
Keep the focus on your own program and your side of the street, The Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage is a really great read. It has really helped me in dealing with my own situation. Keep coming back it does get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can only give you my ESH. I have had to watch my resentments like a hawk. If I find myself continously resentful of people, institutions and other issues, I've had to work to plan to make them less important in my life.
Of course sometimes that does not happen right away. The now ex A was the most important person in my life for 7 years. When I left him I could not imagine life without him. Some of the resentment for me came from over responsibility. I know when I am around people who treat me as worthwhile and valuable it is pretty hard to resent them no matter what they do. The issue for me was there were not that many people who treated me as valuable in my life for such a long long time. The ex A plainly made it clear I was bottom of the list but if anything went awry his expectations of me were enormous. Carrying that kind of load was really very very hard.
I know that al anon gave me tremendous support, care and opportunity.
I'm not saying I don't feel resentment any more. I do but its far less at people, places and things and more at situations. So much of my resentment was at myself. How could I? Why did I? Why me? Why did this happen to me?
I am so glad you are here and sharing this is such a valuable place to come and put out so many really hard issues in our lives.
Thank you for your support. Pushka, your post is exactly what I'm reading in C2C. I find it so hard to be the financial provider, the main parent, maintain the house (if I don't I'm called a lazy pig) and walk on broken glass around him. I work long days, and apparently it's too much to want to come home with our daughter at home rather than having someone else pick her up and at least something in mind for dinner. In my mind, my expectations are not overboard, I buy the food, I clean the house, I take care of everyone's needs. I'm accused of being a cheater, when who knows when I have time for this. I have a feeling he thinks that when I go to al-anon, I'm meeting someone
I'm breaking. I don't have a sponsor, I'm scared to ask. I'm a strong person, I can do this alone, I don't need him and I'm prepared to walk. I'm prepared to take our daughter and leave. However, my name is on everything here, the payments come from my bank account and I know he won't leave. He will stay until I'm beyond miserable. His family thinks I'm nuts. I can no longer rely on them for any type of support. I have tried for almost a year now with al-anon and there is no change in him. I know I can't change cure or control but there comes a time when you anticipate an effort. Oh my, I feel like I'm rambling. Thanks for listening.
You know the best thing in the world .. you don't have to be alone as you walk through your hot blue fire of healing. You are worth the risk of asking someone to be your sponsor, .. I got told no two times and it wasn't the end of the world. I faced the "no's" and they weren't brutal .. I happened to ask the right people at the wrong time kind of thing. The gal who is my sponsor, .. WOW .. that was a God thing!!! I truly encourage you to take the risk and know that it is not the end of the world and the no is not about you. I've heard more stories where people have gotten the yes the first time too. Something someone said to me a long long time ago was if I got a no from someone I didn't ask the right person I needed to keep asking others until I got the yes!!
Most of all you deserve to be loved right where you are at and supported through all of your successes and trials. You can't do this alone, it's to much for all of us here and there is a statement in the newcomers intro regarding that.
I do want to ask .. why would he do anything different? If nothing changes, .. nothing changes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The best thing just happened, I talked to a very good friend who has been through a very similar scenario and she talked me through what is best for me. He won't do anything different as long as I just continue in this pattern. It works for him, so why change it? He gets to just walk out upon any sort of disagreement, it suits him, he can drink. it doesn't work for me. It doesn't work for me when our daughter asks where daddy is. My mom's dad was an alcoholic, held a gun to her mother's head, it doesn't work. I am not going to have the same or even similar situation.
I am going to spend a night at my friends house, play some crib, some rummy, some scrabble. Be me again. Know what it feels like to be out of this atmosphere. While I am there, I will not worry, I will not play out situations in my mind, I will be me. I will ask on Monday one person who is so sweet to be my sponsor, I will accept a no but jump with joy if it's a yes. I will understand the no. Thank you again, I will make it through this whatever is the final decision.
If you decide that separating is best, a lawyer can talk to you about options. It is not the case that you're powerless over taking your life back, and that includes legal options. Sometimes I think we think we have power over the things we don't, and think we don't over the things we do. That kept me stuck for a long time. However, we always have the power to leave. If we don't leave, it's because we're choosing not to. When I realized that, it helped free me from my resentment a little. The saying is "My choices, my results." It helped me see that I was continuing to sign up for the way life was, rather than taking action to make it change. What that action is depends on many things that are different for each person.
I'm glad you're taking steps to make things better. Keep coming back.
TLD - you have all my respect and sending support out to you through this tough situation you are faced with. You can work on dropping a resentment and acceptance for a long time and then it just sort of becomes crystal clear that something is going to bust and major changes need to happen. It's a fine line between acceptance/working on resentment and then just saying "screw it" and making big changes that lessen our contact and exposure to the things that cause us resentment. This is the serenity prayer in a nutshell. What can you accept, what can't you accept any longer, when and how will you know what to change?
TLD, with you in support and can completely relate to that feeling of resentment. I am struggling with my own resentments right now. It helps me to pray over and over with deep breaths and to read up and educate about the disease of alcoholism/addiction. It is okay to set boundaries, too, remember that.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am sending you a tremendous amount of support! I have seen your growth and recovery in process, just in this line of posts. Good for you! Easy does it and One day at a time. This does not all have to be solved today. You're doing great! hugs
