The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Night I went to My Meeting after a VERY LONG day, and when I got there, it was an Open Meeting were we choose a topic, and we chose one of our books to read from, and some where along the way ended up on the topic of Growth...
I Can Not Speak for Anyone but me when it comes to Growth... I can say I have Seen Growth in Many Here & There... But for Me, it is something that at times is Hard to explain...
Growing up an Adult Child ALOT of my Past experiences were either shoved under a rug, or Placed Under it so as not to remember them... And Some are just NOT there due to the Black outs i Experienced when Drinking...
Alot of my Past I have found a Way to Forgive myself for them, and that All Came by way of Al-Anon/ACOA... I have Alot more digging to do, but I know that HP will Walk me thru those just as he has all these before...
I Feel If I Really want to Grow, & I Really want a Better Life, I can't just Show up! The Work has to be Done in order to make any kind of Better Life... For Me I have been around for 3 years now... And the 1st Year I had Moments of Wonderful Step work, and others times I would "Just show Up" and Not do the work... And I know that isn't the way to be, And when I hit Road Blocks I tend to Freeze... Not sure if its Fear of Whats around the Corner, or Just Fear of Pulling it Out from under the Rug & Owning it...
I know that Year 2 there was Tons of Distractions but I never gave up, just at times Took Lazy.. and tho Year 3 is in full swing I Still have those moments but at the same time, the troubles I face today... Never seem to Last as Long... Are they still Stressful? Yes... Are they still Trying? Yes...Do I have Joy? Yes....Do I have Happiness? Yes...
All things Gifted From this Program... I have been Open Enough to See lately that Even the Fear at times is a Blessings, & Stress at times Is a Blessing and alot of the times I would Deny those feelings because i was taught they were Unjust & Ridiculous to have... I have Learned that since I Embrace them, and Accept them they seem Less... They Don't tend to Hurt as much when I can back them with "HP's Will", My Program Tools, My Program Family and the Heart of Knowing that "This too Shall Pass"...
When I began pulling back my Layers One at a time, I realized that Everything I was told as a Child about my Self esteem, about my Character, about my inner feelings were pretty much All Lies brought on by the Sickness that Lead my Family to were it is today...
I was Taught to "Just Deal with it" and Never Speak of it again... or "Thats YOUR Problem" and they would leave me feelings scared & alone alot of the time... and for a Small Child that is Tough.. Or at least it was for me!
Knowing Now that God has Always been there, even when I was to Drunk/Young/Nieve & Selfish to See... Has been that of a Blessing... I always Felt Lonely in my up bringing and yet I had Siblings, but they were just as screwed up as I was...
The People of Al-Anon/ACOA Has TRULY Changed My LIfe, Has Truly Given Me NEW Life, One that I can Find "Happy, Joyous & Free time" ... One that Gives Me HOPE for Tomorrow that "I CAN", and even sharing with me your ESH, Love, Friendships & Sorrow has Taught me How to Grow in my Own Program and for that I am Forever Grateful...
It has been a Trying Last Couple of Days, but I have Chose to Hand it to HP and Let him stear, cause Lord Knows when I do I tend to Crash & Burn... I Promised Myself One MONTH... To Choose a New Directions of My Stars, and because I am BIG On Promises being Unbroken... I know that No matter what I Decide to Change, its ALL going to be For the Better...
Thanks for Being Here...
Those of You that have made it THIS Far... Please take a Moment & Share with Me if You Will... YOUR GROWTH... I would Love to Learn From you as well, and See what differances this has made for you & your Recovery.. No Pressure, Just if Desire...
I am at the beginning of my growth. I can relate to much of what you have said
I am only just starting to truly do the digging and then when I find something... to actually open it up and look at it.. not just put it back if you get what I mean.
I never identified that I had shame growing up or secrets.. but lately I realise that I really do... I never thought I was a people pleaser.. but when I look at my reaction when I upset someone, I see how I am deeply deeply hurt that I have hurt someone... I have recently realised (today in fact), that came from being told how wrong I was as a child. HOw useless and fat and hated I was. It was my sister who did this, but I know she was sick from the bad effects of growing up in the house we grew up in.
It is good to know that even years in... people are still growing.. it lets me know to go slowly and that it will be ok .. this is a long journey not a quick fix
I can VERY MUCH Relate to the Shame... I didn't realize Either till I got to this Program just how much "Shame" I harbored Daily... If Someone else Had a Bad Day, I Felt it was my Fault, because at Home I too was Made to Feel that ALot of things were Out of My Control, Yet I was Blamed for them... I too have a Big Sis, and Back in those days that LAST thing she wanted was a Lt. Sister hangin around, and I was Verbally abused regularly, and Sometimes even Physical, and then I didn't have much of a Spirtiaul Side, Until I was Well into my Teens & was Watching the World Crumble around me...
I'm Glad your Here, & I have read some of Your Post & I know you are Growing... Sometimes it Don't feel like it, but boy when we find those Extra Pieces of Serenity just Laying around... It Truly is a Gifted Blessing in Growth.... And that is Indeed Why I Keep Coming Back...
So Glad your Here, Walking this Journey with us All
Wonderful share Your growth, and determination is such a tribute to this program I will share that living this program, one day at a time, praying, attending meetings, working the steps I have finally come to accept the passing of my son from this disease and can now remember so many sweet memories of our days in the sun and all the joy that he brought to my life.
I am finally able to accept HP's will in this respect. I always wanted only good things in my life I have had many difficult heat breaking events to live thru over the years. HP has also given me the courage, serenity and wisdom to walk with the pain and sorrow, not be destroyed and to arrive in the light.
I have more compassion, empathy, kindness, understanding in my heart now than I have ever had in my life. Thanks alanon this is a miracle for me.
I'm still so very new to all of what alanon teaches, not so new to therapy though and that combined with the program has released me from a lot of self imposed, self taught things. Personal responsibility and my part has taken a new meaning for me. I don't have to hold the world and control how fast it spins, I can't, He can and I'll let Him has been added to daily saying. I have also discovered I don't have to be alone in any pain. That is a new one for me, I always thought if I didn't cry, if I just soldiered on that meant I was being strong and I didn't need anyone else. It has blocked a lot of joy and happiness living that way. I see the faulty thinking in that now.
Life is painful, both birth and death are painful things and that is for me what life is, the in between time is where we have a choice on what to do with the perceptions, and that is the beauty and joy of what life has to offer.
Hugs to you my friend P
-- Edited by Pushka on Thursday 2nd of February 2012 06:52:48 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My growth is being able to have a bad day and say... I can start over or Ill do better tomorrow instead of that all or nothing attitude or that black and white thinking. I can take some steps back because eventually I will gain strides again. I can pray the serenity prayer or let go and let God and feel better rather than throw in the towel. I am starting my day over right now. Getting on this site just to breathe again. Someone at work is being very judgmental and the old me says be judgmental back and talk about them behind their back. Has gossip ever made me a stronger person or a better person. It has only made me feel guilt and I am done feeling guilty. Anyway instead I can get on here and read and soak in the ESH. I can pray to my HP to have me let go of these resentful feelings. I can pray for removal of my judgmental attitude. Great topic. I love shares like this.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
