The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Sunday I was triggered big time by my fear of abandonment, causing my character defects to go into full bloom.I was about to react in a way that would have harmed ME, I was about to end a very special relationship.My dis-ease had justified, rationalized and defended all the resentments going on in my head, round and round, even causing me to lose 5 hours of sleep one night.(My sponsor explains resentment as "re-sentiment" - meaning, re-feeling the sentiment/or the emotion over and over and over.)My thinking was keeping the resentment alive, with the basic thought, "this should not have happened!!!!!"and attaching all kinds of stories to it.My heart was racing, and I was tossing and turning like it's all actually still happening. I was not in the present moment, I was stuck in the past.It was not happening from midnight til 5 a.m.)
My big problem is my obsessive mind.Once I remembered I have a program, lol.. Ifelt some relief, I started with step one, my powerlessness.
I am convinced God has decided it is time to shine the light on the thing I am most afraid of.and had created a scenario to bring my character defects into full force, so that I have no choice but to wake up, look at it, and start healing from it.
Im still preparing my inventory of those old memories and feelings to share with my sponsor, and tears are spraying everywhere.But soon, I will know exactly what to humbly askHigher power to remove.I am soo done with this, I am entirely ready to be free of stuff that goes back to childhood, and much of it from the beliefs I developed in relationships with my own friends in Junior High, I discovered.
Thank you God for fellowship friends and for my sponsor who will tell me when my thinking is insane because , I can NEVER see it on my own.I had justified, rationalized and defended my own right to have the resentment, and my black and white solutions.Once I began to even consider that my thinking might not even be true it felt like an earthquake.
Wow.My thinking may not be true.Imagine that.
J
I know my fellowship understands. Thanks for being here with me.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
