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My AH is under the care of both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I had a friend suggest that I ask him(AH) to attend an appointment with his psychologist and with me. She thinks I need to tell the psychologist what's going on. The late night drinking binges, the hiding of the alcohol, passing out on the floor, etc. I have been to 3 Al Anon meetings so far but I'm getting the impression that a counseling appointment probably won't solve anything. I think she thinks that my AH will come around and will need to hear the truth and will get it, if I do it in front of a 3rd party and it will also force him to get the truth exposed to his doctor. Honestly, I just don't know if I should bother. The last time I brought up 'talking about the drinking' he pushed me away verbally and refused to talk about it. It appears he wants to deal with things in his own way and on his own timetable and I have to learn to accept that. Which, honestly, I'm having a hard time dealing with this week. I am totally in obsession mode so I'm biting my tongue constantly. UGH! Thoughts?
What I have found is that doing that kind of thing it causes them to shut down more, your friend is a sponsor? Or is she someone who isn't in the program? It doesn't mean you can't talk to her however her understanding of the situation is limited.
We are powerless over people, places, things and the past (for me this works .. lol) .. my spouse knew he could die based upon his mixing script drugs and alcohol. The reality is he didn't care and I still don't think he gets it. Maybe he does .. I don't know .. what I DO know is that 3 different professionals ALL told him the same thing and guess what .. he did it anyway.
What I learned was the best way to help him is to get out of his way and work on helping myself. His consequences are going to happen it is scary to watch. I did have a boundary that not everyone will agree with which was .. if he was taking the pills he couldn't be in the house and drink too. I was scared to death I was going to find him dead on the floor or the kids would.
While I obsessed (not saying you are this is where I was at) with what he was doing or not doing with the drinking and the scripts I wasn't helping myself or my kids. It took me a LONG time to get this once I got into alanon. If someone had said to me that my husbands drinking or not was none of my business 2 years ago I would have had a convulsions on the floor .. and very nearly did .. lol. If he is not doing it in front of me he's going to find a way to hide it. Plus dealing with the deception of it all it is crazy making stuff.
Take what you like, .. I am so in your corner girlfriend. :) Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
No, my friend is someone who knows both my AH and myself very well. She has seen my AH at his passive aggressive worst and has seen him at his optimal best. I think she knows his heart, but she's not living in my house and does not see what I see on a daily basis. She is a very discerning woman and a very Godly woman and gives wonderful counsel and a very compassionate ear. I love her dearly, but I'm afraid that her advice isn't the way to go. I already know that his psychiatrist told him not to drink while taking the meds. If he didn't bother to heed the advice previously, I have a feeling that my presence there will make him rebel even more and that it might make him resent me. I'm trying to keep things calm and keep myself calm, the last thing I need is any type of resentment from him. Thank you so much for the support!
Ask yourself what your motive is for doing it. I know when my motive is to try to change someone, it is never a good idea. Never.
Are you powerless over your husband to date? Has anything you've tried worked so far?
I had well-meaning friends give their advice too, and all it did was add chaos to confusion. It fed my thinking disease. My friends were NOT in recovery, they had no idea they were powerless too. I'm the one with the program, I'm the one who has an understanding fellowship where I can get better "advice." And here you are.... awesome!
Continuing to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.... keeps me in my insanity.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 1st of February 2012 08:52:21 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My insanity is thinking I can change someone. I have learned that lesson well from suffering over and over again. Eventually, I hit my bottom and I surrendered.
When I tried to "help" someone..... I still held an expectation.
And if my expectation was not fulfilled.... I ended up disappointed. I ended up hurting myself. All because I believed I had some kind of power. Do you believe the therapist has some kind of power? I know I did. But it certainly did not work.
My "help" is only helpful..... when someone is ASKING for it. Is he asking for your help?
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 1st of February 2012 09:17:59 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think its a great idea Unfortunately not every great idea has positive outcomes if ya get my drift. I have nursed alot of people who had 'a great idea' (sounded like a good idea at the time) and ended up in a cast......
I do hope you can see the humour I am trying to use here.
You know the outcome of this already, you have said it, its always nice to have reinforcement though isn't it...
I guess its the way in which you tell your friend "thanks but no thanks" so she doesn't keep suggesting it. Perhaps a simple "Thanks so much for your suggestion but it just doesn't sit right with me right now"???
I also agree.. no matter how much she loves you both, she is not in recovery and may not understand these steps that we live by.
Personally, if my husband were to be blatantly relapsing or I had suspicions he was I would call his therapist to let her know. I don't meet with her. She is his outpatient group therapist. I have talked to her on one occasion b/c my AH had a drug test and he asked her to call me. I did not tell anyone to call me, my AH told her too. It was nice to hear my AH was clean but I am very much aware that its frankly none of my business. I know that sounds weird, but my AH is his own person. I would call to let his therapist know if I saw him drinking or using just because she had asked me to. She said if you ever suspect use please call me. Also I know my AH would want help, maybe, get him back in rehab or whatever needs to be done... so telling his therapist could start that ball rolling for him But i would leave it at that. I would tell her and let it go. I am not his parole officer.
Meeting with his therapist and you would be beneficial for something like couples counseling.. but if he is actively using then he is no where near ready for any type of therapy with you yet, unfortunately. He needs to work on himself.. I suggest you do the same and take care of you. Please be gentle on yourself.. do something nice for you.. and repeat the three C's and well as the serenity prayer and "let go and let god." You are not alone.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I have to say that After Reading Your 1st Post & then Your Second reply I think you know what you Need to do & Not... I to have some Very Dear friends that offer & support me and at times they tend to think that gives them rights to how & what I do (Just My Experience) and tho at times I feel they are Only tryin to Protect me from my Addicts, until they are sitting in my shoes & in Recovery, they don't really know what is Best for ME! Even if Well Intended...
The Fact that Your Husband is Making those Appt.'s is a WONDERFUL Thing, there are Many that Refuse ANY kind of Help at all... It Took me a Long time to Realize that THIS Program was ABOUT ME! and Taking Care of myself, and in order to do that I have to allow the alcoholics/addicts in my life to do the same... Even if I don't like their Choices or think they are being completely honest... It Truly is NON Of My business, regardless weather they are in my home or Not & regardless of How much I Love them...
I feel if his Doc already brought to his attention what he should or shouldn't do, then that is his choice... and I Also agree that Boundry's would be a Wonderful thing... They don't have to be Verbal, I set them in My Own Mind & Just Follow thru on my end... There is So Much HERE to Pull from, So Many Wonderful ESH... And NO ONE Can tell YOU what is Best for you Other then YOU... So Be Gentle on yourself, Take Care of You, and Allow his HP to Take care of him...
Keep Coming back... One Day at a Time...
Please take what you like & leave the rest... Friends in Recovery...
