I am thinking how MIP people remind me that there are giving, thoughtful people out there.

Not relating to people who ruin something that was beautiful. Am in the eviction process. 24 hour outragious behavior one for intentionally destroying the premesis.

I knew where ever rock was,ever tree, every wildflower. I will have to send someone else up to take pictures. The thought of seeing destruction of the earth that I was blessed with tears my guts out.

Decided to day, ok I get it. My animals cocoon me. They put a softness and love  between me and the world. Its like a big nice cushion around me.Warm and soft, silly. makes me laugh. connects me. But it is a definite cushion around me. Keeps the lonliness at bay, the pain, the feeling of not feeling loved.

Met my best friend here. This sites people saved my life more than once.

I don't know if John really knows what he has done for us.

Am discomboobalted today. Been working too hard. But good work. Still hurts less standing so been working on the guinea pig high rises...lol my kid in me I won't let go. Got three HUGE ones from rescue. five pounds or more. usually they are three. think of a bag of sugar and a football with no pointy ends. HUGE. 

scared to death as these are Cuy the ones people eat. makes me sick. Went online to search them, omgawd first thing I see is them cooked on a plate.lol NOT what I was looking for. Anyway its all efficient now. they are on fleece and have tents with a light in them. ez to care for. I stand there and two reach over and grab my shirt! lol

People do not realized how affectionate they are. dime a dozen to most. I am probably a dime a dozen these days too in the world. thats ok.

My son has been mad at me. something went wrong, he was upset. I knew this and validate it. My first reaction is always to difuse things, fix them, problem solve, take care of it. He felt i was not respecting that he was mad by my saying no worries, it will be ok. He wanted, well I can see what is making you mad!

So I not knowing what i did wrong wrote to my best bud. He said it perfect, "If I am mad and tell you I am mad I want you to respect that I am. NOT take it personal. ok I get it.

so I emailed my son and told him I get it. then later I really got it and wrote him again.

I still feel empty.

My dumb brother did something dispicable. I cannot say what, lets just say he would not be welcome in your neighborhood. NO it was not a kid.

Anyway he left his wife for a MUCH younger girl. MUCH She was beyond mad. this was years ago. Unbeknowest to me, I could not figure out why she dropped me. We had been so close she was right there with me helping Mother with her dying.

found out today, becuz of my dumb brother she wanted nothing to do with any of his relatives. oh thats nice.

In ny life he has tortured me. Told the whole hi school i was pg. LIed to my dad about me, daddy dies and I never got to tell him the truth as I didn't know brother had done that till daddy died.

He told my mothers best friends awful things about me. I could not figure out why they were being so mean to me.

Then today I find his ex drops me cuz of him. nice.

I honestly do not believe people love me. It always seems so easy to walk away. My son was distancing himself from me he said. if it is that easy to throw me away that is NOT love.

I did not throw ex AH away look at all his disease did to me. If I love, I love forever. My hate the behaviour, but never the person.

So there is where the animals cocoon me. Everyone I knew, really knew loved me are dead. Its not that I don't have people now.

No I don't believe my daughter does either. its weird.

A stranger brought me a huge amount of wood. So did another stranger. now what is that all about when my son will not come up and help me at all? I have not asked. he knows. A wonderful person here helped me live last month.

I am wrong aren't I. He should not have to help me right? I loved helping my gma gpa and my mother. I LOVED it.

He says just don't ask me for anything and we will be fine. Guess who is not going to contact him anymore. I rarely ask for anything from anyone.

My best friend made it possible for me to get a down coat to keep warm, and some other stuff.

I am babbling.Wondering if anyone relates or am I an enigma?

the disease has damaged me. The one person I trusted, was sure would never hurt me tore my heart out. It was already one big scar from losing my first husband to death.

BUT I am ok. just was a weird day.

Now i will go to sleep with the sound of guinea pigs making a ton of noise drinking from their bottles...lol hugs,deb