Did I do the right thing? Hurt, lost and confused. - Al-Anon Family Group

Stiff5436 · Newbie

Did I do the right thing? Hurt, lost and confused.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds familiar to things I have dealt with. Hopefully you can put out an add for a female roommate. I hope you can find a face to face meeting. I am sending you love and support!

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

Sorry, it's reallly hard and the shoulda, woulda, couldas that come along with loving an alcoholic are really hard emotionally. Your first step is accepting that your hapiness, and success in life can only come from you. If your happiness is dependant on someone else you are setting yourself up for dissappointment. Whether we choose to love an addict or not, everyone is flawed, and if our happiness is dependant on the flaw of another person changing, we set ourselves up for failure.

I think you absolutely did the right thing, someday I hope you will come to realize that your decision was in no way hurtful or damaging to him. Just like your happiness can't be dependant on him overcoming his addiction, no human alive can help him over come his addiction, it has to be his choice.

rara avis · Senior Member

Sending you lots of hugs and support in this difficult time. I'm also living alone in a house that I thought I would share with the man I would marry. Instead I ended our relationship and my ex is homeless. My ex RA's own sponsor said that I was doing the right thing, [ since I called him, confused and bawling! ] which was just about the only comfort I could find in that heartwrenching situation. I'm passing that sponsor's words to you, to repeat to yourself in case you feel like a bad person. You're not a bad person at all, but it is sooo hard not to feel that way!

One day at a time...keep coming back here!
rara avis

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You will get lots of support here. Most all of us feel robbed of the love from our A's.

My experience was he had many years in recovery. After a year plus of his chasing and wooing me we got married. He treated me better than anyone had besides my own mother.

Had brain tumor surgery, medically relapsed, brain damage and it got worse and worse then the physical abuse began and that was that.

Believe me I relate. I was left with five acres, 3 bedroom house, and many many sanctuary animals.

They are very sick people. He honestly wants to be clean. But without the righ steps it will be like it is.

So we have to heal from the loss as best we can and make new goals. Meetings are great. We need the fellowship.

Yes it hurts, took me years to figure it out and finally was able to not feel anything. I feel I now lost my second husband to death. two times widowed is enough.

You can heal. I don't know how much this house is more than you can afford. Keep looking and something more to your needs will come up. Or possibly a friend would like to move in too.

We can only do our best, keep one foot going after the other. You will need time to heal so please be careful with yourself. You are grieving.

Addicts do not love the same way as we do. Their dna is different than ours. Mine stole from his own mother that I am totally sure he believes he loves. They are like two or more different people in one. It is so insane for us to try to keep up.

I believe they love us how they do. Its not like we do. NON As and A's really cannot understand each other. this is my experience. I mean this in certain areas.

Love,devoition,loyalty, sharing, concern, compassion.

You did not make him mad. He chose to react like that. Not all A's get mad when we are upset they relapsed again.

I hope you get to meetings, come here and get the support you need. We care very much, we have been and some are still there.

hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds like a pretty classic instance of dealing with an active alcholic. He is not even seriously in recovery. Being understanding of a relapse wasn't even the issue. He never even made a serious attempt at being sober (after the 6 month he had). He sounds like one that is going to go through a lot of relapses too before he gets any sobriety time (if he ever does). Not to mention domestic violence and suicide attempts...insane drama. Do you really want to be on that crazy ride with him. You did the right thing. I promise you. Once he lived with you and if you "gave him time" he would get worse because alcholism is insideous and progressive.

Don't worry about what he is saying about your relationship. He's an active alcholic and relapse mode. Do you really think he's ready to make ammends and take full responsibility for his behavior? It sounds like he acted like an angry little boy in your relationship and what you deserve is a grown man who will be responsible, romantic, considerate, and independent. Now, I don't suggest rushing out and finding another man right away, but Alanon meetings, participation, working steps and a sponsor will help you such that you really radiate self-worth and confidence, and to develop boundaries where you aren't automatically wondering what is wrong with YOU when you have dealings with a very sick addicted person. If this guy is meant to be for you, it will a couple years of him being sober and learning to act like a stable grown up. Until then, not the best relationship choice while you can still back out as you did.

In support,

Mark

Grace7 · Senior Member

While I too have had the heart ache of a lost relationship to which we had many "dreams"... I find myself actually relieved for you. Many of us here ended up married for Years to alcoholics with Much heartache. Then add in the children. While I feel for you heartache and loss of your dreams, I too am relieved for you that you DO have the hope of a Healthy and Happy relationship in the future Once you have healed.!

Keep coming back and talk when ever you need too. Remember, there is a rainbow after Every storm. You too will see your rainbow. Determine to learn all you can from this, and forgive him if at all possible. He is an addict, to alcohol. The "real" person isn't coming through. Determine to Heal your heart and soul, as totally possible as many here can attest....and you will in the future be safe from attracting the same type of person. I know, because I did it! It took me taking myself seriously though and putting myself First. Learning to love myself and not Needing my self worth to be based through the eyes of another.

Absorb Alanon material, well everything Mark said above. Come to online meetings here if you haven't been to a meeting before so you can see what they are about. You can hang around afterwards and talk to others. Look for a face to face meeting in your area. Also, don't forget to forgive yourself and give yourself a hug.

Blessings,
Grace

Nanauq · Member

YES, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Though the right thing doesn't always feel right, or comfortable, or even clear. Eventually it will.

There's a lot of wonderful ESH in these posts and answers, and a lot of love. I truly hope they help you. They helped me.

Hugs.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.