The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like a failure. My AH succeeded in sucking me into not one, but TWO big fights in the last 24 hours. I let him. I know better, but he knows me so well He knows how to suck me in. To my credit, I have been avioding this explosion all week.
There are things that need to be communicated about, basic day to day living things. We cannot even have these simple communications. *sigh* I really felt like earlier this week, we had a breakthrough in communication. But it turns out it really is 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.
I have come to the realization that he uses lack of money as a means of control, but also as a way to create emergencies. Today, I had just walked in the door from work. Aparently it was a hard day with the kids. Ok, that happens. It was an explosion from him followed with, the electric bill has to be paid in the next 34 minutes or they will shut it off. WHAT?!? Then a whole story about how they had come to shut it off 2 WEEKS AGO and he had heroically negotiated with them for an hour to make a payment plan. Then why pick a fight about it and make it an emergency? Then it was blame, blame, blame because he had *told* me to take care of it, but I didn't care enough. WHAT?! But then we couldn't have a conversation about it because he was mad and throwing a tantrum and then locked himself in the bathroom after accusing ME of acting like a 12 year old so childish that *he* can't be lowered to talking to me anymore. Where is the smiley with bull horns and a tail?????
It's especially rediculious because he stands up loud and makes a big freaking deal of how he is the man and finances are his responsibility. It can't be discussed. Yet it is discussed as an emergency when we're X minutes away from whatever utility being disconnected or not paying rent. Then it falls to me to *save* us or else we will be homeless, cold, without water, whatever. After all, it's my responsiblity because I'm not doing it for him afterall.
It would be different (possibly) if I could work fulltime. But I can't rely on him to watch the kids fulltime. His business is too important to him. I am signed up to substitute teach and can work every day! There are mornings when I'm ready to go and then he says he's going to an auction or whatever and I have to stay home that day. Ok, fine, way to plan; I'd rather stay home with the kids anyway....but then bill time comes and it's the same thing again.
I feel so stuck.
Wow. Writing that all out makes me see what a childish mess he is.
But I fell for it! He suceeded in sucking me into a fight. So that he could feel justified in running away and behaving badly, or whatever it is that he does? This dry drunk stuff (what do you call it when it's drugs not alcohol?) really, really, really sucks.
He's been gone since this...praying with the brothers. Sometimes I think he's just replaced his addiction with another one...religion. At first, I was all for it because he was doing anything other than his illegal activities. But really? Really? I worked all day today, came home to his pile of CRAP, and now have all the kids by myself while he's out. Today I feel like my life is xxxx.
But yet, I feel stuck. I *know* that I need to stay out of his drama and not enable him. But he's figured out how to pick things that I can't ignore. Like paying basic utilities. I work a little, but I do not have the resources to cover all the expenses like I'm suddenly having to do.
Please remind me the tools I need to keep my serenity in this insanity that is my life. I have to stay calm and be a good role model for these children because there is no one but me to do it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 24th of January 2012 06:32:36 PM
When I was in crisis a few weeks ago, one member here reminded me that for the addict, 1+1 does not = 2. 1+1=unicorn. In my experience, this is particularly true regarding financial matters. My AH thinks that because he goes to work every day and brings home his paycheck, that he's a good husband, good father, and functioning member of society. Never mind that he has absolutely no reasonable perspective on where money goes, or how much things cost (particularly from the period when he worked in a different state). He is totally incapable of rational thought/behavior in many areas, ESPECIALLY finances.
So my tool in this area is to remember, 1+1=unicorn. I try to keep this in mind when I'm thinking to myself "What?!? What the h#$$ is he talking about?"
Another tool I use is to take a deep breath, and think how I would like to be treated in that situation...without fail, I want to be treated with kindness. So I try to put a little kindness out in the world, almost always with respect to my children. I try extra hard not to be impatient with them or snap at them. Amazingly, it can really be fantastic medicine.
Finally, once the kids are in bed, I sit down and force myself to take a break (before starting the endless chores that only I ever seem to do). I force myself to watch an upbeat television show, or read an entertaining book or magazine (for me, it can trigger me to watch or read something sad or negative, but that's just me).
And finally, know that you are absolutely, positively not alone, and there are so many of us sending you positive, healthy vibes.
I also try and remember during the most button pushing times for myself that I'm arguing with the disease itself. It gives me perspective as far as what to say or better yet what not to say. "You might be right" that one statement does wonders for me. I avoid a lot of conflict ... I'm not agreeing to what someone is saying, I reserve the right to have my own opinion without the need to voice it. It's really hard to argue with someone when only one person is fighting.
It does get better, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you for reading. And for responding. You might be right is a great one. I'm going to use this. It's the same fight over and over again with him. I'm just sick of it. There's problem X that needs to be dealt with. Then all of a sudden he changes the subject, bringing up something old that I "did" to him, then I fall for it and the downward cycle starts. Old (unresolved) crap comes out and it's like a contest of who did what to who and which was worse. Then his anger comes and I cry and runs away. Eventhough I know this pattern, and I know what to expect, I still fall victim to thinking "maybe this time will be different." I hope too much. I know this. I don't want to fight. I just want peace in my house. But I don't know how to resolve these daily issues that simply MUST be dealt with.
So this thread is turning into a mini blog. I hope that's ok!
I'm so thankful to have found this site. Simply typing out these issues that are swimming in my head are helping me to see them for what they are, putting in some perspective and moving forward. That's what I want - forward momentum. I don't want to be stuck anymore. Eventhough I got sucked into a stupid fight yesterday, this morning I persevered. He was trying to create another emergency over something stupid. All I said was "this is not an emergency" and went about my business. He got mad, but I stuck to it. "This is not an emergency." I had to say it five times. But I went about my business and had a GREAT day!! My daughter had a dr appointment and we even had good news there too!
Upon reflection, I realize that I have become so emeshed in his crap that I don't even see it anymore. I have lost MYSELF. I am beginning to work on step 4, to make an invetory of myself. I am having so much difficulty because I keep thinking of myself in relation to him, as a reflection of him, how he thinks of me. I thought I was doing well at detaching. I thought I was doing a good job of minding my own business. So it turns out that's not the case.
At least I know what I need to be working on. I can choose to be happy and peaceful regardless of what he chooses to do or not to do. I am separate from him. I have my own life. I make my own choices. My thoughts and feelings do not require his imput. Progress...not perfection!
At the height of his addiction, he was smoking 5+ times a day. He was jobless and home all.the.time. He would only leave to get his stuff. Anger was his means of escape. Pick a fight, explode if I said even one word, and then leave. It was a living hell.
I developed a TON of unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with this that I am only just realizing and coming to terms with. It is scary to explore these issues because it means remembering the past. These wounds are still fresh and they do bleed. Eventhough it is more than a year since he smoked for the last time.
Though his behaviors today are MILD in comparison to what they used to be, they trigger me to behave like I used to. NOT OK. I want to live in the present. Not in the past. There is nothing that can be done to undo the hurts of the past. Nothing. This has been a roadblock on my way to healthy living. I am separate from him. I am separate from his addiction and his issues. I deserve to move forward. My children deserve their mother to be here and present. Not absorbed in past hurts and hang-ups.
From today I will start living MY life for me. Not my life in relationship to what he chooses to do or not to do. He does not consider or think about me even 1/10 of how much I do him. NOT HEALTHY. He may be the center of his universe, but that does not mean that he has to be the center of mine.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I am stuck in a very similar pattern with my husband. I keep resolving not to engage in these horrible, nonsensical arguments, but they inevitably begin with a basic issue that needs to be addressed, like paying bills, or basic decisions about our kids. The fights often escalate into full blown screaming arguements in which he brings up a million ways that i have wronged him in the past, i get triggered and insult him in the worst ways that I can, he goes into verbal assault/tirade mode until I am in tears, I feel hopeless, blah blah blah.
One of the reasons that I recently started coming here was that we have two very young children and I am getting terrified that living in this kind of hostile, dysfunctional environment will harm them and I will do anything to avoid that. I am starting to realize how much being an ACA has shaped my own dis functional thinking and that I need to start detaching from my husbands anger and trying to prove myself right in these arguments. I need to stop wishing that he would become functional enough to help with finances etc and focus on myself and keeping the peace for my childrens sake. And my own sanity!
He knows how to suck me in. To my credit, I have been avioding this explosion all week.