As if I can hear God's voice. - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

As if I can hear God's voice.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I don't have much wisdom to share on this subject. all I can tell you is I am listening and supporting you on your journey. I think its normal to grieve, to feel, to admit to feelings... but its also crucial to be grateful for what we have. I try to make gratitude lists almost daily to remind myself that, when I think its bad, I have so much good in my life. Thinking of you.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs so sorry you are feeling low. I've experienced the biggest healing when I've had the biggest lows. Gratitude lists do help a great deal and focusing on today. Hugs p ;)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Glad - its been a year and half since mine moved out, 5 months since our divorce and every time I let myself consider if I'm ready to date anyone yet I get emotional and physical symptoms that tell me the answer - no. Words to a song come to mind "end up like a dog that's been beat too much" and that's how I feel, like I've been kicked enough. It doesn't mean I won't eventually heal. Word reaches me that he's flashing a big ring around, bragging about getting married again, then word comes that the person who ripped him off is the person he's marrying; I try to keep those words turned off, they don't do any good.

I know that part of what keeps me not at all interested in dating is that I'm mourning the death of the guy I thought I married - I fell head over heels for a quiet gentle mannered man who only existed long enough to snare me, then he started letting the real him come out and I was continually challenged to prove my love for him regardless of his abusive behavior. It took me quite a long time after he left the last time to start to recognize the depth of abuse and its effect on me. And I still miss the man I fell for, i miss laying on the couch together watching his stupid movies, I miss cutting his hair - such an intimate setting, and I loved caring so much for him that I wanted it to be a good cut; I miss the strength of his shoulders, how fine he looked in his jeans; I miss sitting on the porch with him drinking coffee and talking about things, I could go on but you get the drift. I am in mourning, he isn't alive anymore, and it hurts and I hurt and I have to let time heal the wounds.

There are big spans of time when I don't hear from him, these are times I know he is with someone else and that's part of HIS disease, him thinking he can just replace any woman with another - if he just finds the right woman then what happened with his three wives and every relationship he's ever had won't happen; I'm sure in his thinking there's nothing wrong with him, he just has to find the right woman.

Like you, I have been through traumatic emotional abuse and he hasn't; maybe that's one reason why he can hook up so easily. I don't want to hook up with anyone until I'm not hurting anymore, I don't want to view all men as "just like him"; don't want to flinch if someone raises an arm fast; and I want to be better prepared for whenever next time happens - and there will be a next time, but I suspect it won't be for a while yet.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know for me hon, I stopped wondering why, and I just accepted I did love him. Of course I did. Of course you did. Some people love forever, they just naturally work things out as they go. Sadly sometimes we love the kind of person who doesn't.

Or they were but their disease too that away.

Just accepting I did, over time, the longing stopped. I learned to ask,"what makes me feel this way? for me it was memories,laughing in bed, things he did for me,going to work with him and seeing what a hard worker he was and he cared about it. He is my sons bio father. I could go on and on what I loved about him.

But like I just told TT. When I longed for him,wanted to call,I realized he is not there. The man I want is gone, the disease took him away. So I stopped and did not do it. Then it got easy as it is true. The man I loved is dead, this new person is not him.

Sometimes we all get depressed, melancholy, so for me I just accept I am depressed and do what I do, cry, sit around, I don't try to make myself feel better really. Just take a shower, and if I feel like veging and watching netflix all day I do.

Crying is NOT a bad thing! I wonder what makes people be concerned and even apologize about it? Its a cleansing thing, gets those chemicals out. It's part of us like laughter. When someone cries they are their most real, raw, not being phoney. Well most.

You are doing fine.There is no time to bake on emotions. YOu are not "done" in ten min. or ten years. eighteen months is nothing. seven years is nothing. I still cry over my husband who died 31 years ago. I dream of him all the time. drives me nuts sometimes. I just accept it as it is the way it is. I cannot make myself not miss him.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept things as they are. Just the way it is. Love you for who you are and how you feel. Don't let anyone get away with,"aren't you over that yet???"

Loss hurts. Your heart is wounded. It does get tougher in time. Then other times we lose it out of nowhere. Love you becuz you are sensitive, that you did love very hard.

I don't believe God has plans for me or anyone. MY experience. If he did then it would not be fair as we are judged for what we do in our life. If it were planned that would mean we don't have free will, a choice.

He knows of course what everyone will do. But the thing is, we don't know what we will do or choose. So we learn.

I have 100% faith that no matter what happens, the creator will make things ok in the long run.

So anyway give yourself a hug, you are very very ok, be good to you!

love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Glad))

Thank you for sharing your inner journey and the grief that you feel at times. I noticed that you asked:

If he is the one who drinks etc "Why do I feel like such a looser"?

The answer is : you have been affected by alcoholism!!! Living with this disease causes us to loose our true selves and adapt unhealthy reactions to an insane situation. You are also grieving the loss of your dream "Love conquers all"

That is the reason that we recommend attending alanon face to face meetingsGetting a sponsor, working the steps, living one day at a time focused on yourself.

Using these new tools enabled me to let go of my anger, grief, expectation and find the courage, serenity and wisdom within.

HP is there and when we turn listen for guidance and act upon it we heal

Keep coming back here and sharing You are worth it.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Glad - I relate to your name!

What I hear in your post, is that you "get it." Indeed, you are aware of the dis-ease in him, and in his new girlfriend... very aware. This sounds like the grieving period to me... you have experienced a loss, sweetie. Maybe you're comparing your insides to his outsides... and he appears happy (pardon my smirk)

For me, nothing is worse than 'watching' someone who's happy... when I am not. Gotta watch what I focus on. And for me, the grieving period was strange, some days I seemed totally over it and in a place of solid acceptance. But in an instant, I'd be on the floor sobbing like a baby.

To me, you sound so mature in your recovery because you are allowing yourself to heal before you "bandage" it with a new relationship, like he did. I applaud you for that, that is awesome.

Time takes time. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I went through this, and I found that I had to stop my problem of obsessive thinking... thinking about HIM all the time, because there's no "good" in it for me, my thinking hurts me. So the goal is to see it when the train is picking up speed (life is becoming unmanageable) and to stop it... with a call to sponsor or another member, with a walk outdoors, anything. Sometimes, my brain is not my friend.

The grieving period was also a time for me when I "heard" the program principle of Humility... allowing myself to just sit in the discomfort and "feel" all the feelings and not having to "do" anything to fix it or avoid it, just being patient..... remembering that I have made the decision to turn my will and my life over to God's CARE (you may want to revisit step 3, do you believe your HP cares??) Being humble, to me, means remaining teach-able in the experience. My sponsor kept telling me there is VALUE in all of my experiences, nothing in God's world happens by mistake.

Sometimes, my dis-ease just messes with my brain. That's why I need this fellowship to help me see it. For the strangest reason, I can never see it by myself.

You are okay ((my friend)) All is well, and right on track.

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 23rd of January 2012 10:09:59 AM

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 23rd of January 2012 02:01:35 PM

lightblue2 · Veteran Member

Dear Glad
Your share is just like I am feeling today. I am feeling low and a heavy with the responsibility of single parenting my three children. I have let go of jobs I had in the past because there was no one available for the children and my view of things can become confused and overwhelmed.
I am feeling tired and was even starting to think that I missed him. I do miss being hugged but that only lasts for about 30 seconds and then he will drink alot and sit on the lounge and stare at the TV until he is drunk enough to pass out.

Typing that out has helped me remember the reality of how it can be. I have not made many decisions based on a clear view of the situation. But I am going to a meeting tonight.

Thanks again Glad for your share, I am thankful to not feel alone :)

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

HotRod is so right I am grieving the fantasy of "Love Conquers All" and I feel like I invested so much and never even got to the top of the mountain.

Never even got the relationship off "home plate" much less hit a home run.

I think he may have actually been just sitting in the dugout... not even sure if he wanted to play on the same team with me.

well feel so much better today after reading all your replys! Thank you

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.