Let's talk about sex - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Let's talk about sex

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sookie

I understand your confusion I know you care about your husband and would like to support him. It is important to understand that we really are powerless over others. You cannot fill him up and make him whole. You can support him in this process by being kind , courteous, praying for him.

By working your program and working the steps you will uncover the constructive tools that will support both of you

A thought on sex-- unless there is respect, commitment and affection sex does not fix anything it just makes us feel more alone and empty.

.

In thinking about this situation, I noted that your husband stated he felt empty and unsupported. I can identify with that feeling and know that no one else can fill that spot

When I began alanon I felt the same and my sponsor noted, that iIt is my responsibility to take the actions to "fill that hole. I needed to stop abandoning myself , make efforts to connect with others, and develop a relationship with HP. Once I was able to do that I was whole and could relate to others and have a healthy relationship

Keep coming back here You are worth it,

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 23rd of January 2012 01:00:57 AM

sookie · Senior Member

I am baffled as I write this. My (separated) AH pretty much said he doesn't feel "support" from me while he is in recovery. We are not filing for divorce but he has his own apartment because, well I couldn't handle the lies/chaos any longer and it was pretty bad before that to build to the split. I am cherishing my space but he comes over often to see our kids and for the times he has relapsed, I am grateful for my safe home.

He said feels alone and empty but then it seemed to come out that it is primarily because we are no longer having sex.

So--before he moved out, for probably the last year, we were hardly ever intimate. I just was not attracted to a lying drunk. I am not sure how to explain that gently to him...but when you do not trust someone, when they have behaved in ways that made you terrified or felt raging angry--what is there left in terms of wanting to snuggle and make love? The thought of it doesn't sit well with me, although I do love him.

I have no idea how to "support him emotionally" really...I don't even know what that means. I am scared, too that I may never feel that way about him again.

Ugh..and ESH on sex??

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

No need to be scared, in my opinion, just be where you are.

And just stay in the day, don't worry about tomorrow. This is the way you feel TODAY, and it's totally okay and acceptable.

You don't have to EXPLAIN it to him either. I know I always feel the need to explain myself, but typically, that's me looking for approval or permission for my feelings. I don't have to go there!

And you are not responsible for his feelings.

Good for you, for not giving in to fear, that takes strength and courage.... and self-love.

You are okay ((my friend)) Acceptable as-is!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs sookie,

I really suggest you read the book The Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage, it surprised me how much it addressed the issue of sex and it does see it from both sides of the equation.

Those justified resentments and the fear of being hurt, as women we express ourselves so differently than men do in terms of sex.

I would be really asking him what does he mean by "support him emotionally". Many men think that being emotionally available means being sexually available ask a woman and she's talking actual emotions without the sex. I believe it's important to be on the same page as YOU feel comfortable with it. Maybe it's a good time to sit down with someone and talk about some of the issues that you are dealing with in terms of getting past those justified resentments and working on forgiveness.

Hugs P :)

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

wow we have had this very same issue come up again and again and I have felt just as you described--not attracted to a lying drunk! I think this is another arena where we have taken on the burden of the disease

it's great that you have established that separate space--stay strong!

sookie · Senior Member

I just dug out my copy of "dilema of the alcoholic marriage" which I read probably a year ago...good to reconnect with that book. Thanks Pushka!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My Ah was gone eighteen years,came back and began pursuing me. I was NOT impressed. I have shared I would look out and think "what is he doing here again?"

ugh. After a year...yep he tried to kiss me and I freaked. Then I learned, "ignore your mind, let your body take over." With his love, tenderness, the fun we had all that stuff we NEED starting from when our eyes open in the morn, I married him and gave in.

Most men and women do not understand that wanting intimacy starts by the politeness all day, the touching, the talking, sharing, helping, laughing.

So if and when he ever gets to be someone you like again, and he does act like a man who loves a woman all day, believe me you will want it again. If you don't, ya don't!

But wanting to is the start. We are not there yet though. Maybe someday you will have a conversation with him and explain this. Some guys need a book, some won't read it so ya gotta tell him. Some need a diagram...haha

I used to make my husband cards. draw him "hmmm well pictures" of things I like. NO not just sex things, but him doing all these things all day and what he gets to look fw to very sooooon. lol One time someone else got his lunch sack and he was so embarressed though he said they made it known he was one fortunate guy....lol

Anyway I also prayed I would want him again like that. And every kiss and ever time was like the first time off and on all my life.

it will be ok! love,debilyn

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel the same way you do. The smell of beer(his drink of choice) makes me very nauseous so if he's been drinking, I have no desire for sex. He's also on anti-depressants which means he can't 'go' so sex can last an hour if we both had the stamina at our age for it, LOL! I, too, have trouble having sex when I don't feel loved or I feel I can't trust him or I feel that he isn't being honest with me(especially most recently). He doesn't get it. These days the sex seems very mechanical and I try to throw myself back in time to when it was wonderful and intimate. Right now, I feel like I'm putting up walls to keep from getting hurt again so a lot of it is my fault. It also doesn't help that my AH has put on a lot of weight and there are many positions that are uncomfortable for me because of his weight so I don't always look forward to it but I try to make an effort for both myself and for our marriage to at least have sex once a week or so. Sometimes I'm surprised that I do get into it once we've gotten going, know what I mean? It's the getting motivated and getting past that door that I shut that makes it hard to get moving in bed. Hope this helps! You are not alone.

sookie · Senior Member

You guys are all so awesome--thanks for sharing on this

amills4294 · Senior Member

I can relate to what you are going through. While my husband and I have been separated sex has been a big issue. He says he "needs" that connection. I don't "need" it unless I feel connected emotionally. It is a male/female struggle evidently. But you have to be true to yourself. As recommended - take it one day at a time. Do not feel pressured to have sex... I allowed myself to and it only sent mixed signals and made things worse. Now he doesn't understand why I cannot/won't.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What would happen if you told him that in order to have sex, he needs to romance you and behave in a way that is conducive to intimacy? Not saying that is the right thing, just wondering. Most men are so dumb that they boil it down to "We are married. You should always want to have sex with me!"

Most of them do know that sex is driven by intimacy for women, but they need reminders and they especially need reminders as to what their part in that is.

Mark

amills4294 · Senior Member

I agree with Mark is saying. It is important to share with them what it is that you need... in my case I have tried that for years and it still hasn't worked. He's of the mindset that it should just happen. It is a tough thing in some relationships.

LostToday · Member

I don't have any advice, just thanks for posting on this topic. I also have this issue in my marriage, so reading these replies was helpful.

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

During the height of my sick thinking, I would stay up WAY past my bed time to make sure my ABF was sexually satisfied.

During his active addiction, he would lose interest in sex because of the nature of his drug of choice, which was fine by me because as you say, I had no interest in being intimate with someone who was stealing from me, lying to me, and sneaking around.

And when my ABF got sober I found that contrary to my expectations that our sex life would come roaring back to life, as I started to focus on myself and my needs, we really don't have sex as often. I am recovering from years of emotional abuse, and that's not sexy. Before I might have beaten myself up for it, or worried that my boyfriend would find someone else, but now I'm letting myself go at my own pace- and if that means no explosive love making until I feel like I'm being treated with respect and love, then that's okay.

Hope that helps in some way.

-Ellie

sookie · Senior Member

Ellie--I just read this. This puts it exactly the right words for me such that I could explain it to him even. THANKS so much--to all you guys

Such a tough topic for me.

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