What is going on?! - Al-Anon Family Group

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

What is going on?!

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I haven't been on here in a while. I've been taking time to myself. Detaching from my exABF and trying to live my life in a positive and constructive way. I haven't had a conversation with him in six months and that was also the last time I seen him in person. Our last break up was not a good one. He told me there was something missing from me and he need to find a person with that ingredient to spend his life with..... that person was not me. I was heart broken, he had been sober for four years, we had been back together almost a year but six months in things got bad. He was pushing me over the edge and I was reacting to it bad. Over the summer he had me uninvited to events, he expressed he wanted nothing to do with me, he said hurtful things.

All of a sudden in november right before the holiday's friends started coming to me. He had openly confessed to them that he loved me. That he understood why I did foolish things, etc, etc. Then he stated he could see himself spending his life with me. I was shocked. First that he even discussed our relationship with friends that he knew would get things back to me and that he said the opposite of what he told me. The last two months it seems like every other week friends come to me with similiar stories. I have always responded I am open to communication so we could discuss these thoughts of his. He has not contacted me directly as of yet.

I guess my point and or question is this.....I find this all very strange and confussing. He went from one extreme to the other. All this talk no communication....what's the point? Is this typical of a recovering A? Is this behavior part of their pattern or addiction? I'm trying to understand with out throwing myself in to a blackhole again. Any feed back would be wonderful.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I was unsure how to respond only because I'm hearing "blah blah blah" coming from his friends and I agree totally if someone who cares about me needs to say something they need to come and find me. Again me .. I find it a little childish this is all coming from his friends and he can't get the nerve to call directly.

I'm kind of in a more blunt mood as well so I will apologize ahead of time. I think it's less important what's going on with him and more important with what's going on with you. Reading lit, going to a meeting, calling a sponsor, finding my center at this point and THEN looking at the situation when I'm reacting less from an emotional standpoint. That's what I've really been trying to do in all situations I'm currently dealing with and my choices are much better vs being in emotional upset.

Take your time, you don't have to make a choice right this second, see him, call him, don't call, don't see him, those are things only you can answer. Hugs P :)

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I'm not offended by what anyone has to say so no worries. The friend thing well they are our mutual friends. The only reason I don't write it off as gossip is because they understand how I was hurt and they would never repeat false statements. Plus this is not the kind of person he is to share such things. I did actually respond in the way you all suggested by saying I am open to listening and communicating this one on one. But he needs to contact me. Is he in AA the answer is yes. He has been in it for five years now. The first time we got back together I thought maybe AA has helped him and maybe he is changing. After all I believe we are not human beings we are human becomings. My exABF is very immature when it comes to relationships or at least he was in the past. Doing things to drive me to the point of acting like a crazy person then turning it around by making me the reason things would fail. How am I with out him? I am good living life one day at a time. Do I love him still? Of course I love him but I do not love the way he treated me and I do not like being on edge of if my relationship is going to be going from honeymoon to nightmare from one day to the next.
I know that I cannot fix him and his problems are not mine. He has to want to change on his own. Just going to AA and going through the motions is not enough. I said to my friends actions speak louder then words. In the past I took him back by him saying he was going to make changes. I would have to see them this time. We both had things to work on and if isn't willing to meet me half way it will never work. This would be the third time around if we did work things out. I don't want to call him because I want him to make that choice....it will then be my choice to answer. He did get everyones attention again that is for sure. It's very confusing. I'm just going to have to think really hard about what I want.....not about what he does I know that. Has anyone else had to deal with this? The back and fourth as well.....our break ups last long periods six months to year. Have any of you experianced this with your A's?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is that there's a certain kind of (dysfunctional) person who only feels the need for attachment when it's safely out of the question. When they're in the relationship they're mostly detached and withdrawn and withholding. The "I don't know ... I need my space ... you ask too much ... I can't promise anything" kind of person. Then when they're not in the relationship, they're overcome by all these lovely feelings of affection -- because there's no danger that they'll have to live up to them. So then it's so nice and if only X and Y, they could have a wonderful commitment -- but X and Y never come true. Sometimes they're able to say "I love you" only when they're not in the relationship or in talking about you to other people.

The fact that he's feeling this way (he says) now and only to other people suggests to me that this leopard hasn't changed his spots. I know what it's like to hope that what we wanted is finally available. But if it were genuinely available, you'd know it clearly. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow you have some very, very wise feedback here. I totally agree with them.

It's easier to say that one loves someone, as it takes the guilt off him since he loves you but you guys broke up. Makes it look like it is your fault,not hisl. And we all know A's do not take blame well, nor do they like to look like the bad guy.

I always say,"Ignore what they say, watch what they do." I use this all the time in all situations. So far he mistreated you, left you, said mean things. Has not contacted you yet talks to others?? Does this sound sane? Does this sound like a person in love?

If I was fortunate people did not tell me anything about the ex A.Would have hurt too much.

People who love you do not just tear us apart and leave. Would you do this to someone you really care about? Do you think that people in loving long term relationships did this to each other? Nope.

People do not change that much. They may mature of course. But ones that can easily abuse another usually stays that way. Ones who do not, would not think of doing it.

I had to end it as I didn't care if my ex was sober on a good recovery ten years, I will NEVER chance feeling like I did again.Thats the second time I almost died from losing someone I adored. NO thank you.

anyway heres some more stuff to think about. He threw you away, like you were nothing. What makes you think he won't do that again? People are loyal or they are not. For me that is more important than anything, loyalty, someone who is a friend too. \

This person is suppose to be part of you. People who really care about you would not do this. Anyway glad you are here!!! love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

@parf,

Hugs I know this is not easy I'm not going to "should" all over you :) I am going to go back to what you have stated above. The definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. 3x you have tried this and 3x it hasn't worked out and the last time left you extremely hurt and upset. How is this time going to be any different? If he had really changed I think instead of going to "mutual" friends he would have come to you heart in hand. This tells me (and again I'm in a different space and maybe I'm projecting I'll own that part) he has no where better to go and he's lonely for a booty call. Again .. I'm not HALT .. I"m HHALT (Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, .. I think I'm probably more hormonal than anything else in this minute .. lol, hungry, angry and tired are all wrapped up in that one hormonal too!) Personally, I see your value as far more than just settling for something vs nothing. I bet if you were dating someone else this wouldn't even be an issue for you. I go back to my original thoughts and say, this is less about him and more about you. Figure you out first and then deal with him in the situation.

Everyone has stated some serious gems in the above posts, .. put the focus on you because YOU are worth it. So glad you are here and I hope you will continue to post.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I only have a "guess" as to what might be going on. I don't think it's related to being a recovering alcholic necessarily but sometimes when a person is seriously considering a split, the concept is frightening and they take steps in the other direction to ease the anxiety (saying how committed they are and want to make it work). Then when they process things even further, the fear of separating lessens and they go back to addressing the issues and a split is more likely to happen.

Either way, it is in the past now and this relationship need not define you. There is no "missing ingredient" in you. Only something he thought he was looking for in a relationship that wasn't there for whatever reason and that is not your fault so don't take it personally. I am sure all your ingredients are just fine :)

kael1539 · Veteran Member

It seems like you have good awareness. Who knows what he is really thinking or feeling and if he has had immature relationship skills that makes it all the more confusing. It is great you are considering what YOU want and that is the most important for you right now. You focusing on your recovery and him focusing on his. If things are meant to be they will come together with both of you healthier and able to love yourselves and each other.

-- Edited by kael1539 on Sunday 22nd of January 2012 05:20:38 PM

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Oh yes the whole you can't teach an old dog new tricks. One thing I have learned from the program and all of this is it is YOUR own journey. We have to go through our own healing and growing process just as the A's do to really change. I appriciate all the good feedback. What's most important to me is my own happiness. I would be willing to have a conversation because I feel like communication is a good thing between to people whether it is to move on or work on things. I like to think that people can change but actions speak louder then words. I am giving it all up to god what will be will be. Confusion happens and eventually everything will be clear.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience with my ex husband......
He told all our friends how distraught he was when we separated, how I was the love of his life and how could this happen.. how could she do this to me (leave him)
Anyway.. cutting a long story short... he never told them the bad things he did...... one friend eventually getting the gist of the break up said to him.. well I don't see you fighting for her or chasing her to get her back!!!!!

In my opinion, some people, A's or not, need that sympathy vote.
They need to hear, oh you poor thing.. you really love her... this must be sooo hard for you.. yadda yadda yadda
They feel validated (for something, who knows) and they feel ok that they are not to 'blame' for what happened.

Maybe I am being cynical... In my mind I can hear the conversations of your friends 'pillow talk' to each other. Ohhh we told her that he said he loved her and wanted her back. She hasn't called him, oh that poor man. Its such a hard situation.

Now I am not saying your friends are being nasty or rude or anything, they are working to their own best ability but they are being manipulated by a master.

My strength to you says.... don't listen to it, ask your friends to please not repeat what he says and to respect that if he wanted this relationship to begin yet again, and you wanted that also, that you two adults would work it out.
this kind of thing reminds me of school when a boy would pass a note to a girl to ask her friend if she liked him.....
I hope that you work this out for yourself and listen to what you know the truth to be..... good idea in handing it over.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.