The material presented
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to exchange
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Hi!!! Im so happy you found this site. There are online meetings here every night too. Nothing beats a face to face meeting but it is something and as Pushka says some meetings have childcare. It is very common, what you are feeling. In early recovery when their qualifiers are doing well there is this feeling of jealousy or resentment. I have felt glimmers of that but I found al-anon early on and wrapped myself in the program like a blanket. I call people, I go to meetings, I read my al-anon literature, I write out my thoughts and steps, I get on this site. Al-Anon is my safety net and my life line. There is support here and I know we are strangers to you but there is honest love between people in al-anon. I wish you nothing but happiness. please, keep coming back.
online meetings are at 9 AM EST Mon-Fri, 9 PM EST Mon-Sat, 10 AM EST Sat & Sun, 7 PM EST Sunday at http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html ... you may need to download adobeflash if you dont have it.... make sure you press "no" to the question they ask you to get into the room.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Saturday 21st of January 2012 12:06:07 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
For the past two days I have been feeling so alone. I finally sat down with my partner what was going on with us. She told me that she has to focus on herself right now, she said she needs to be selfish about her recovery... I have given her nothing but my support and understanding, helping her find meeting places, getting her the books, everything I could do I have done! But she will hardly talk to me! She stays on her phone ALL day texting the people she was in detox with, ignoring me and our 2 year old daughter. Its so frustrating! Its like she doesn't want me to have any part in helping her, like its none of my business! Well it is! We have a baby together and its not right to ignore her, she does not understand why mommy is not playing with her. I was supposed to go to my first al-anon meeting this morning, but last night one of her friends from detox came by and asked her to go to a morning meeting with him. So there goes my meeting! I do understand that she needs to go, just wish she would have been more understanding that I'm here hurting because of her addiction! Sorry to spill this out but I feel so hurt... I just want to stop feeling like this.
Please call and find out what meetings offer childcare. It's an hour. My daughter is a sitter at my home group meeting. The kids are down the hall from our room. It's just an hour and you are so worth it.
I remember the first time I heard the term "it's none of my business" I was fully angry and hurt. My marriage not my business, someone else's actions directly affecting me not my business, someone else's actions affecting our kids not my business .. really? Now I get it, that term is not meant in a mean nasty way. When I get out of my Q's way and allow him the room to figure things out on his own (nope they don't need my help, .. I need to help myself) things in our lives go so much smoother. What none of my business means to me is that it's something that someone one needs to work on or deal with without my interference and yes, .. I'm interfering when I'm not focusing on myself and putting the focus outside myself. What I thought was helping was really not helping I was nagging, pushing my agenda regardless of that package I tried to wrap it in.
From what I keep reading here on the boards is other people have indicated that recovery for the A especially the first year is fully a self absorbed thing (as if addicts need another excuse to be self absorbed right?). It's so important that they do what is necessary to focus on recovery. That being said you have a RIGHT to attend to your own healing and you CAN state you have your own needs YOU need to meet. Please be easy on yourself keep coming back and I hope you can find a meeting to meet your needs. It really does get better, the only way I have found peace is to keep the focus on my own recovery which happens to be none of my Q's business and allow him the ability to figure out what he needs to do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can only echo what has been said already - she needs to concentrate on her recovery and you are free to concentrate on yours! I like how Michelle puts it - wrapping yourself in Al-anon like a blanket.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
All of your "help" with her program is not necessary. She can find her own meetings. She is going to be selfish and hearing things about how staying in touch with others in recovery is a good thing. Hence, if you tell her otherwise, she will act like your are sabotaging her recovery. Yeah, it will suck and she will go through this phase where she is all about 12 step but it is better than using right?
If you think about it, do you really want her to be reliant on you for help all the time or do you want her to be able to stand on her own 2 feet and be with you for more reasons than out of need. She needs to pass through this phase to become more independent.
Addicts and alcoholics are like babies - The come into the program after over-relying on those closest to them (parents and significant others) and then they move through phases like a kid would. Next they over-rely on other people in AA and then they finally grow up----IF and ONLY IF they stick with the process.
Be patient and prepare for the relationship to grow and shift. It's not going to be the same as it was. She does need space to grow and change. I can understand some basic boundaries about spending time as a family together and her being a good parent may be necessary though.
I wish I would not have "helped" bought books, researched and made appointments at rehab clinics- only to have him go to an initial meeting pay in advance and then not follow up ( I felt like I cost us money and time and if he would have found his own rehab. maybe he would have followed through) any way... doing too much for others is the most of my disease and in return I EXPECT to be let in on their feelings,,, the cold hard fact for me is he only opens up to those who act like they don't give a damn... I dunno what that's all about exactly just saying... alcoholics do stuff backwards... at least I know mine did, and I know I was really trying to "control" every time I "helped" he needed to make his own choices.
