"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

LoveWarrior · Newbie

How do I deal with an alcoholic who wants me to stop consuming alchohol?

atheos · Senior Member

Are you going to any face-to-face meetings? Even though your alcoholic has been in recovery for a while, Al-Anon can still be beneficial to you... and to your relationship with him.

Since alcoholism did bad things to him, it is normal for him to be afraid that it will happen to you. But that's his worry, not your reality.

Going to some Al-Anon meetings will help in (at least) three ways -- it will help you learn some effective ways to live with an alcoholic (including one in recovery), it will re-assure him to know that you are spending time with people in a 12-step program and doing OK, and it will give you a chance to learn about the program and pick up the tools/vocabulary to communicate with him in that context -- eg. calmly and gently reminding him that you are the only person who can take your inventory.

-- Edited by atheos on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 09:53:52 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My own opinion is that in one sense, you have every right to enjoy a drink in your own home. You even have a right to be a complete drunkard in your own home. I'm not saying that you are; just that how much alcohol to consume is your own choice.

If you were a complete drunkard (again, not saying anything like the case is the truth), the thing is that there would be consequences, and they might not be happy consequences. But we have the right to do anything lawful as long as we're okay with the consequences.

An AA friend of mine was with a woman who liked to go to bars. She was not an alcoholic. Her friends just liked to hang out in bars after work sometimes. Sometimes she'd ask her partner (my friend) to join them; sometimes instead they'd get a bottle of wine and gather at her house. After a while, he realized that his recovery was not doing well with this. He felt a relapse getting closer. He told her, "You have every right to do this, but I just can't be around it. It is threatening my sobriety and my life."

Now the question is, what was right to do then? I would think that the thing to do would be to have a long talk and see if both people can arrive at a solution that is okay for both of them. Maybe not perfect, but okay. If a solution can't be reached, maybe that's a partnership that just can't go ahead.

For myself alone (not speaking for anyone else), I would not drink around my partner if he were an alcoholic. I know how terrible the consequences can be. My desire not to have those consequences are greater than my desire to drink in a given situation. Your priorities may be different.

I wonder if going to some open meetings of AA might help you thinking about the situation. You might even take the AA "quiz" yourself and see what you come up with. As they say, knowledge is power.

I wish you the best in negotiating this challenging situation with your partner.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well we know we have to focus on ourself. I was thinking,ok have you asked him what is it about it that bothers you?

I mean really, fourteen years and it's still an issue?

Maybe this is not what most people would say,but my first thought respond to him was,"Whatzit to you?" My mother used to say that to me when I asked her something. I mean in a funny way. Keeping it light.

It does not have to be a fight or be dark. I have said,"you know I don't want to control anyone but me,that is plenty.

If this is something you truly enjoy, and you are not abusing it,you have the right as an adult to say accept me as I am or don't. If you don't I don't want to hear about it.

I am a passionate animal lover,earth lover. No one close to me would ever question me in that. They accept that part of me, if they don't, they stay away or they don't mention it.

I have a friend who comes over, I am sitting there with my cat and dogs piled on me and around me. I realize I must look sorta weird, lol. I said, does this seem strange to you? He says,"no, it's just deb." Just matter of fact.

We cannot sacrifice ourselves without being resentful. Now if we compromise like you did about the hard stuff, that is out of love and is ok.

I wish I could drink some wine. The Bible even has nice things to say about it. Its not a sin. It just makes me sick. sigh.

Anyway I am glad you shared. I don't think I have ever read one like this before!

Would I not have animals if someone didn't want me to? NO way. Would I stop having flowers in the house?NO way.

Having a little wine and a cold beer is part of what you enjoy in your life.

Just the fact I read someone says," its the blah blah or me, you choose." that is controlling and I would say bye.

Anyway I am sure I was no help.lol hugs,debilyn

LoveWarrior · Newbie

Thanks for the replies. I've been to a couple meetings. In fact, we attend a Unity Church and the tenets and beliefs of the church coincide with AA very, very well. Going to church on Sunday is almost like going to an AA meeting. I understand AA. That said, I am not going to spend my life in a meeting hall talking about alcohol. If he was having relapses, that may be a different story. My partner goes to meetings ... however, not as often as he once did.

Here's my answer to the emphysema question: If he had emphysema, no, I would not smoke in the house. That said ... in my opinion, that is an unfair comparison. Smoking results in secondary smoke which would be impossible for him to avoid. However, with alcohol, there is no way it is going to get into his blood stream unless he chooses to consume it himself.

If he was young in his sobriety when we met, I think the situation would have been much different. But, he had ten years of sobriety when we connected ... and, he was, and continues to be, strong in his recovery. And yes, before anyone jumps all over that statement, I understand that a relapse is simply a drink away ... and that he will never be 'cured' ... blah, blah, blah. To my knowledge, he has never came close to consuming alcohol since we've been together. He is well grounded in his Spiritual beliefs ... and, able to frame life's issues in a way that he does not need alcohol to cope.

He also stopped smoking 4 years ago. That was a 25 year addictive habit for him that he was able to finally let go of (Thank god!) One does not let go of things like that unless one has the ability to be strong and resolute in their intentions.

I appreciate Lindaoakford's response. I too smoked pot when he and I first got together ... not everyday, but often enough. When we originally negotiated our agreement, he stated that he simply could not be around pot. He told me that he loved pot ... and he knew that pot would lead to him consuming alcohol. It was a hard boundary for him. So, as part of our negotiated compromise, I chose to no longer smoke pot. I could, and did give it up. I understood that he cannot avoid second hand smoke. In addition, we simply choose not to be around people who smoke pot ... or go to parties that may have pot smoking present. It is something that I have accepted.

Interestingly enough, I drank more alcohol when we first met. Now, I am older and my body just cannot handle alcohol like it once did, so I don't drink as much. But, I absolutely love exploring wines. To me, one of the great joys of life is the beautiful full bodied taste of a glass of wine. Wine with bread ... Mmmmmmm!

I've noticed that when these issues arise that the issue is not about me drinking. It's about something else. Late last night, for example, he finally admitted that the issue was not about the glass of wine that I was pouring myself ... but rather about the fact that he was bored and wanted to do something else besides fix dinner and watch a Netflix movie like we often do. And, ya know, that just pisses me off more. Why the hell do I need to take the brunt of his boredom? The fact of the matter is that we'd most likely do a hell of a lot more activities if he was not an alcoholic. His AA buddies do not seem to be the type of people that he wants to hang around with. All of our other friends consume alcohol. No ... they are not drunks. They simply consume alcohol like the responsible adults that they are. He doesn't really want to be around that either. So, what the hell!

If he is bored and wants something to do, perhaps it would behoove him to go to an AA meeting. He does not go all that often anymore ... especially after his best friend who is also in AA, moved out of town. Hmmmm, I think I just answered my questions. He needs a meeting.

-- Edited by LoveWarrior on Thursday 19th of January 2012 07:56:44 AM

rrib · Senior Member

LoveWarrior wrote:
My partner is a 24 year recovering alcoholic. I respect him for his accomplishments and resolve. We've been together for 14 years
But, nonetheless, I'd like to know your thoughts. I am being respectful? Am I being an a-hole? How do I handle this?

Clearly, his drinking problem is his problem and not yours.

That said, being sober for 24 years doesn't mean he is cured from his alcoholism any more than a former smoker gets cured from emphysema.

If he had emphysema instead of alcoholism would you still smoke in the house?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

If he had emphysema instead of alcoholism would you still smoke in the house? This question sorta speaks to what I was thinking. In the relationship that brought me to al-anon, I would have gladly given up alcohol for the rest of my life if it meant I would get him back without the beer. RLC used to say, "how important is it?" and it wasn't - being able to drink wine or beer was not important at all if it meant that i could have him back the way he was before.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

The only requirement for membership in Al-anon, is that you have been affected by someone else's drinking.

So it appears that HE would benefit from Al-anon. You could suggest that meeting for him. We Al-anons have trouble with wanting control. And clearly he is trying to control you and your drinking.

I agree with Mattie, you may want to take the AA quiz for yourself. I believe a couple of the questions are, do you drink alone? And, has anyone expressed concern about your drinking?

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 19th of January 2012 08:21:34 AM

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 19th of January 2012 02:32:03 PM

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 19th of January 2012 02:33:22 PM

LoveWarrior · Newbie

I dunno ... if an alcoholic wants a drink and they do not have the capacity to reframe their desires, it doesn't matter if the beverage is in the wine cabinet or down the block at the bar ... they are going to drink. Period.

If he was drinking again, I would not be with him. Period. I will not be in relationship with a snot-slinging drunk. Period.

And, he knows it.

His drink of choice was Scotch. That is all he ever drank when he was drinking. I do not ... and, will not ... ever have Scotch in the house.

To each their own I suppose ... but, I feel as if I have compromised enough.

-- Edited by LoveWarrior on Thursday 19th of January 2012 09:23:46 AM

stephaniej · Senior Member

My AH is still actively drinking, so my perspective is a lot different than yours. I was always a very, very casual drinker (a couple of drinks, maybe once every 3-4 months). It simply wasn't something I cared about at all. As my AH's drinking escalated over the last year, I decided that I owed it to myself and to the children to always have a person in the house who was totally unimpaired. So I haven't had any alcohol since last June. I don't miss it at all. For me, it's not even really about having alcohol in the house as a temptation for my AH (although I certainly understand others' concerns in this area). I have a long-standing boundary that I will not purchase any alcohol for my AH, and when he wants some he just goes out and buys it. So while I never bring any alcohol into the home, it is often present, because my AH buys it.

Anyway, drinking was never an important part of my life, so it was very easy for me to just cut it out. Especially after seeing the chaos and abuse it brought into my life.

Oh...and one of the great ironies of alcoholism...my AH regularly asks me if I want a drink. Finally, a couple of months ago, I told him that I had stopped drinking alcohol over the summer, and that I would appreciate it if he would respect that decision and stop offering me drinks. His response was "well, if you want me to stop being nice, FINE."

Right...because my AH clearly has a problem with being too nice to me. doh

-- Edited by stephaniej on Thursday 19th of January 2012 09:35:10 AM

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

To answer the question of your post, suggest that he call

1-888-4alanon

or he can look it up in the phone book. Invite him to post here too.

That will help him to get off your back, and hopefully restore peace in your home.

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 19th of January 2012 10:25:44 AM

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a really good thread
Very occassionally I used to smoke a tiny bit of pot wiht my husband when it was occassional recreational use, and I couldn't get to sleep. NOw, since it has been an issue.... I do not want any part of it whatsoever.. the stuff will never again be in my blood stream as I feel like a hypocrit if I do.. that is just me.

I noticed wiht my Dad (recovering alcoholic for 32 years), when he started to get a bit annoyed around alcohol, he needed a meeting. Often it is not the alcohol, it is his other issues that may be going on for him.

I often think.. my Dad used alcohol to calm nerves, relax, enjoy the taste. How hard would it be for him if my Mum had a drink cos she wanted to and Dad had to look at that, particularly after a bad or stressful day, or aday full of cravings. Cravings still happen after 24 years trust me. I am sure he coudn't even articulate it, but I reckon he woulda felt it every now and then. My Mum does not drink.

Perhaps he is a little jealous. Anger is often an initial reaction for a deeper emotion that I can't explain or even understand.

I would think, if I liked a drink, and my partner was a recovering alcoholic, I would bend over backwards to help him in his recovery. That is why I will not smoke pot because I know my husband is addicted to it.. why woudl I bring it into my life around him?

Negotiate. Perhaps you could say you won't have it in the house and you will only drink when you go out? Perhaps you could say that you will drink only on weekends. In my mind, and maybe I am just different, I can understand why he would ask that question. Perhaps there is just something in his mind that day that he really wanted a drink and seeing you having one was touching a raw nerve for once.

This serves two purposes in my mind. We all know drinking alcohol isn't good for our health, it benefits you in that way if you limit your drinking. You love your partner obviously and it benefits that he feels respected, appreciated and listened to. If alcohol really isn't an issue, ask yourself "how important is it?" Is me having a glass of wine really worth an argument with a man who is addicted to alcohol. Where does it sit in your priorities.

For me, I think this would be a good time to renegotiate. Nothing is forever.

Good luck. Please dont think your problems are any less than anyone elses. Your post really gave me reason to think and reflect and I like that.

BTW, My dad is ok with alcohol in the house now but I still, out of respect, will never leave it in the fridge if I am not in the house drinking it. I only see him once a year or so, the alcohol is not important at all, I can go and have a drink at a pub if I want.

I just know for me, if I try to diet, I want all 'bad' foods out the house and I get cranky when my husband (who is skinny), eats an icecream or something. It woudl be worse for me if he bought a pack of 4 and ate one on consequetive nights. I would not be happy and I would be asking him if this is a new habit of his. Similarly, my food of choice is carbs.. breads etc.. so.. if my hubby were to say bring chocolate home when I was dieting because he knows I prefer straight carbs to eat, I would still be upset watching him eat chocolate still knowing that I can't eat it cos I am on a diet.... does that make sense????

Maybe I am more like an alcoholic than I think I am hahahahaha. Your parnter may have been ok for years, but maybe things have changed... life does that.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest, this is just my experience

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I currently have 3 bottles of wine in the refrigerator. They were gifts given to us when we hosted a Christmas party for our friends. Apparently they never noticed that my hubby quit drinking 11 yrs. ago. And I didn't tell them. So we get wine as gifts. I also have a bottle of tequila that I bought in Mexico last year. I have a 6 yr old bottle of curacao that I bought while on a cruise to Curacao. I have sampled all the bottles, but my favorite is marguaritas. Obviously, if I have 2 drinks in a month, it is a lot. But the fact is, it is MY choice. We recently went on a cruise and I probably had 5 drinks in 7 days. Hubby knows it is none of his business. I meet lots of people in AlAnon that drink whatever they want.

I found that when trying to make/keep my hubby happy that he keeps changing the rules. What made him happy yesterday, now that he has it, he wants something else. I simply got tired of dancing to his tune. I learned in AlAnon that I keep my side of the street clean. And that "no" is a complete answer. . This journey through life is my journey and I have to live it the best way I can. It doesn't mean I have to cater to someone with their own issues.

-- Edited by maryjane on Thursday 19th of January 2012 12:47:14 PM

-- Edited by maryjane on Thursday 19th of January 2012 12:49:48 PM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Great share, LoveWarrior because I love when shares start threads like this one. Debate is important in reminding everyone that we are all individuals, each with a unique story.

Personally, I feel the same as Tom described. I have not been doing much drinking at all lately, actually I have not drank since Halloween. It is in my husband's hands to stay sober. It is up to him. I don't want alcohol in the home because I have some anger and intolerance toward the stuff, though. It has killed some of my friends. My family members are HUGE drinkers, irish catholic, and my Mom has made several comments in terms of being sad that my husband can't drink. I used to think non-drinkers had less fun but now I see it opposite. I would wait for the fun to start.. when I could go out or drink or be with friends.. now i find fun in every moment.. the little things make me smile. am actually so grateful alcoholism came into my life (it was always there but came closer) so that I would start looking at it differently. I have not been drinking lately because I have been having such spiritual and emotional growth and when I drink I feel farther from that growth and from my HP. When I am hung over I want to sleep all day and I don't pray or walk or meditate. Now this is me. I once was questioning whther I was an alcoholic b/c my husband and I used to party together. I am not an alcoholic because the issue is not a question for me. I don't need the stuff and right now I kind of hate the stuff. But I do not drink FOR my husband, his sobriety is his responsibility as I said before. If I wanted to drink, I would, I just don't today. I would, however, drink at a friends or at a bar not because I feel like I am "tempting" my husband but because it would not be enjoyable for me to drink in front of him. I would feel uncomfortable... my husband is in early recovery. whether or not your husband needs a meeting is his business just as whether or not you have a glass of wine.. is yours.

LoveWarrior, I suggest you attend some face to face al-anon meetings, they might teach you a bit about taking things lighter as you mentioned you want to do. Plus they are a great place for support.

I always used to say if my husband picked up his drug of choice again I would leave him... I have learned setting terms like that are not helpful because you don't know what you feel when you are in the moment. It made me feel guilty even when I did not follow through on what I claimed I would do.

Now I live one day at a time. If he decides to drink or use I will make my decision based on that day, It may be to vaccuum the living room or maybe get out of the house and away from the stuff and go shopping... not sure what I would do because today I dont have to think about it. I thank my HP every day that I can live my life like that.. one day at a time.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Thursday 19th of January 2012 02:44:52 PM

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Thursday 19th of January 2012 02:48:30 PM

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I'll defer to others as to what the "right" thing to do is here, but for me, I would never consider drinking in front of my partner or having alcohol in the house. When she first started recovery, we had some left over beer in the fridge and I noticed it dwindling down gradually as weeks and months went by. I would ask her about it and she would say it was a male friend of ours who stopped by fairly often. I never asked him but I suspect she drank it, not him. Doesn't really matter though. The point is, if there is alcohol in the house, my wife will drink it. Period. But that's where she is at right now. Everyone's situation is different.

To me, this comes back to having some level of sympathy and understanding for the alcoholic's condition. If they could control themselves and not drink, they would. But they can't. Granted, 24 years of sobriety would suggest some level of control, but his words would indicate he is having a problem with it and his disease is flaring up. For me, that would be all I would need to hear.

Yes, it's a sacrifice, but in my eyes a small one.

MidwesternMom · Member

I never keep alcohol in the house. I have a drink or two when we go out to dinner or a party. I haven't completed stopped drinking, but I think I owe it to him to keep temptation out of his own home.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It surprises me how many of you think you should never drink in front of your qualifiers....But then again, I forget that it's pretty easy for you guys to just give up alcohol. I personally think there is no right answer. We live in a society where you can't go grocery shopping or walk down the street without seeing alcohol. If a person is going to get sober, they will have to learn to live in society and encounter alcohol. It is not disrespectful to enjoy a glass of wine, a mixed drink, or a beer or even 2 or 3 in front of your partner. It is your prerogative.

I can see were usetobeanyer is coming from though when you are talking about someone in early recovery. It would have made me uncomfortable to have alcohol around in my first year or so. At 24 years sober, the issue is not about his drinking. It is about him wanting to control you and wanting you to have the same habits and beliefs as him.

You also don't have to get so flustered or feel so annoyed by his statements. What about next time you hear "Is this gonna be an every night habit?"...Just respond with neutrality along the lines of "I doubt it." Let him stew in his own control issues and avoid snarky comebacks.

You are not being an A-hole. You are right that he is the one with the problem, but even at 24 years sober, alcholics are still living and coping with a chronic illness. For that reason, you might let the comments bounce off of you a little easier.

Mark

LoveWarrior · Newbie

Thank you pinkchip. You and Debilyn both suggest that I lighten up. I feel that is excellent advice. Taking on his stuff is not something that I need do!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think i HAVE to give it up, just that it isn't important enough to me to have it if it means being supportive of someone who is bothered by it. That being said I can look at the issue this way: My ex had a bigger problem with my outgoing nature - he was always condemning me for being one who will chat with anyone about anything - I love my small town life where a four block away walk down to the post office could take an hour because of who I stop and chat with. He seethed with anger whenever this type of thing happened, accused me of sleeping around, being with boyfriend, making him feel unimportant, etc. My place was always where he wanted me to be! And for a time I gave up my usual self, stopped lingering to chat and was immensely unhappy because of it - only after getting away from him did I realize the extent of control he exerted over me.

So I can understand you not wanting to give up something just to appease him because, after this one thing, what's next? what will be the next thing he forces you to give up? It seemed like nothing I gave up was ever enough to prove my love and loyalty to him.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

This is certainly a very interesting thread.

I believe I would support Glad Lee's suggestion :

If your drinking is a problem for him ,then he will find help in Alanon.

Ask your husband to join us here and search out Alanon face to face meetings in your community.

He deserves the tools we have all learned to live by and I know he will not be BORED

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of January 2012 07:01:18 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of January 2012 07:01:46 PM

db55 · Veteran Member

Well, I struggled with this, too. My husband even blamed his relapses on my drinking. I had quit before to support him, too. And I used to protest. But, recently, I just decided I didn't want to drink. If he wanted to that's his business. Whoa... he couldn't let me out do him, so he quit, too... hooray! So, try it... what the heck... give up the alcohol if it you really don't NEED to drink. See what changes?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH has about 3 years of sobriety. He says that it's a drinking world out there and that alcoholics can get booze anywhere they want anytime they want. I think we can all agree on that much.

I don't think there's a right answer that fits every situation. If a person is struggling with getting sober, certainly having alcohol in the house might seem like a bad idea. A person with 24 years of sobriety seems conceptually a little different.

I don't think we have to give up alcohol to be supportive. Personally, I grew up with active alcoholism and have been married to 2 alcoholics, both of whom were drinking for at least part of our marriages. Because I can so clearly remember the chaos and drama, and because I just don't care very much about whether I have a glass of wine or not, I don't keep it in the house. If my AH relapses, he relapses - and every single bit of responsibilty for obtaining the alchohol can be placed on him. [Just to clarify - if I had wine in the house and my AH relapsed drinking it, the responsibiltiy would still be his. But I might struggle at least initially with guilt for having it there. I don't want to have to wrestle with that. It simply isn't worth it to me.] I have a glass once in a great while at a restaurant or party.

I agree that the person with the problem needs to be responsible for his or her feelings. If your choices are okay with you and you feel good about them, great. We can't make everyone happy all the time. I like Pinkchip's suggestion of a neutral response. No need to take the bait for an argument and get defensive and flustered.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Interesting thread, and I truly believe there is no right or wrong answer on this one...

For me, I stopped drinking altogether (for over 5 years) when my ex-AW was active. I did this partly in support of her, and mostly in support of my kids, who were young, and didn't need to see anything more in their lives of uncertainty.... A few years ago, after divorcing, I returned to 'social drinking', and don't tend to do even that very much...

I think the answer - for me - is that I have very little use or respect for alcohol, and if I were in a relationship that I wanted to be successful, and my partner wasn't comfortable with my drinking - I would gladly, and easily, give it up.

Take care

Tom

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I feel similar to Tom. My life with an active husband was pretty much hellish. I prayed for years for him to find sobriety. Knowing where he's been, what we've both suffered and where he is now.. I don't drink.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My parents were both smokers. At different times both of them tried to give it up -- but never at the same time, as it happened. Both of them said, "I'm having too hard a time giving it up while watching you smoking every evening." And the other person said, "I don't want to give it up and I should be able to smoke when I want to. If you can't be around it without being tempted to smoke, that's your own problem."

So the upshot was that neither of them managed to give up smoking. They both died of smoking-related cancers.

I think perhaps the reason LoveWarrior feels differently from some of us is that she has only known her partner sober. (Sorry to talk about you in the third person, LoveWarrior.) Those of us who have been been with active alcoholism up close can have an allergy to alcohol that can make us wonder how anyone can stand to have it around. So maybe our perspective is skewed in a way.

It seems to be me that in a situation like this, either both people compromise, or one declares they won't compromise and the other had to try to adjust. So one way to think about it might be what pattern for resolving disputes has worked best for your relationship. Sending you all good wishes for a good outcome, LoveWarrior.

ythannah · Senior Member

As the child of two alcoholic parents I've never been much of a drinker. My latent potential for addiction scares me. So it's nothing for me to "give up" as it's not something I have around the house anyway.

LW, you were so right when you said it doesn't matter if the beverage is right in front of them or down the block. When my ex ABF was in early withdrawal and staying at my home (because it's alcohol-free), one night he managed to drink his way through every baking extract I had in the cupboards, including a brand new bottle of vanilla -- because they contain alcohol. When he couldn't get them to sell him alcohol at the liquor store, he's been known to drink mouthwash.

When the craving is that strong, they'll find alcohol.

I do know that recovering alcoholics differ in whether or not observing another person drinking is a trigger for them, and even in the same person that seems to change from day to day.

db55 · Veteran Member

I posted above... and I am not debating, just sharing my experience. Like I said I used to protest and want to keep and drink wine here.... why? Why not give it up? I am reading Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism. I swear as I learn even more, I am wondering what good any alcohol has anyway.... amazing book. I recommend it highly!

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Reading a few more replies got me thinking more on this topic. Alcohol use and abuse has been a constant problem by the people in my life since I can remember. I have seen with my own eyes since I was a small child horrible things that were a direct result of someone consuming alcohol. Alcohol has killed hundreds of thousands of people. I hate alcohol. It is evil.

Yes, individuals have to hold some responsibility, and the majority of people who consume alcohol do so responsibly. I personally don't want it in my house.

rrib · Senior Member

At the lunch counter today I was listening to a young mom explain to her pre-schooler "...when you care about someone, you do everything in your power to make sure they don't get harmed".

Alot of people show up a A.A. before they become 'real' alcoholics. Maybe they played around with alcohol abuse for awhile, got into some trouble, decided maybe they shouldn't drink anymore. Alot more show up because some huge train wreck occurred in their lives. People show up here at Al-Anon for that reason too. Because addiction crashed through their lives and the only way to crawl out from under the wreckage was to do this spiritual thing - trust God, take inventory, help others.

<sarcastic>Your fellow is probably one of the former types.

I suggest you put it to the test and encourage him to join you.

This could be a win/win situation.

If he isn't a 'real' alcoholic, then he'll be OK with a glass of wine now and then - after all, its not the scotch he prefers - and the two of you can have such pleasure together, going to Wine Tasteings. White wine with fish, red with meat.

If it turns out that he IS a real alcoholic ... well, he'll crash and burn soon enough. After all it's HIS problem only and he should have know better anyway. And if his bottom is low enough, you'll get to learn a little about addiction and why people come here. </sarcastic>

Please excuse my rudeness. By all means, if you want to drink then drink.

Jadie · Veteran Member

This is a prime example of why I keep coming back.

Im in Al-anon because I am affected by alcohol, whether I drink it or not.

I can only balance my decisions on my place of recovery and act according to the day.

I have no control over anothers recovery, only mine.

I am not an alcoholic but the glass or two or three I used to enjoy is diminished.

I am definitely scarred.

I keep it simple, or try to.

I don't question my consumption, it's not a problem, but the enjoyment has gone.

Work in progress.

Jadie x

tired of trying · Veteran Member

I too have no problem with alcohol and do like an occasional glass of wine or mixed drink. When my AH first got sober, I chose not to drink around him knowing him was working hard on his recovery. He was well aware that I might have a drink when I was out with friends or at social gatherings. After several years , he started saying it was ok if I had a drink if we were at a wedding or party together-sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. NEVER kept alcohol in the house and it was never a part of our gatherings at the house and everyone respected this. Since his relapse, I once again no longer drink around him and I know he appreciates it. If I am on a diet I know I would not appreciate him sitting down and having a hot fudge sundae while I went with out. JMHO-IF I want a drink that bad, it doesn't have to be in front of him-for me that would be cruel.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"