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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> feel my past is hauting me
Post Info TOPIC: feel my past is hauting me
Lindaoakford


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feel my past is hauting me
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HI

From my bio you will read that I have a few violent past partners.  One of those partners still lives in the relatively small city that I live in.  He is a local businessman in the same area of building trade that my husband works in.

I have often expressed my warnings that if they were ever to run into each other, for my husband to be fully aware of what he is dealing with.  My husband has recently started at a new job.  When I met the boss, I again gave a warning about my ex's business, the boss stated he is in negotiations with this man to contract to him.  I advised he proceed with caution and wiht his eyes open.

Hubby and I discussed the issue and decided that IF he and my ex were to meet (my ex being the boss, not a hands on tradie anymore), hubby would remain professional and interact as little as possible.  On his first day at the new job, boss asked hubby how he felt about going onto my ex's worksites as he noted I was not happy about it.  Hubby stated that it is business and he has no personal reason at this point to have a problem.  We were all aware of potention conflict of interest should anything 'go down'.

so.. you guessed it.  They met.  My ex entered the building, and although they have never met, hubby knew who he was straight away.  He asked hubby a question and hubby forwarded him to the other worker on site.  The other worker and my ex had an altercation.  Ex 'went off the deep end' at coworker due to the lateness of the job being done and threatened to kick them off the worksite (get off my job ifyou are not going to do as I say).  Hubby stepped in and said, OK then, I am off. 

Ex puffed up and was bearing up to take a swing at coworker.  Co worker tried to defuse situation.  Hubby tried to defuse but was ready to retaliate should the need arise.  It was rather stressful.  Hubby stayed very calm and packed his tools and left.

Now... it so happens that is the only contract that hubby's new job has on.  Hubby has refused to ever go back on a site belonging to my ex.  So... it now stands to look like my hubby will lose his job because of this incident with my ex.

That impacts on my present due to financial hardship and hubby being seen as difficult??? 

It feels to me that I am never going to escape the influence of my past.  I know none of this is my fault.  I did nothing wrong.. why do I keep being adversely affected by my past.

I feel a little sick actually.  Why woudl the universe place this man in my present again.



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Linda - a work in progress
Debilyn


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I don't know how it is there, but sadly contractors and sub contractors do butt heads.

Remember you were not there.

As far as your huband labled as difficult, it's the work that matters. The bottom line is always time and time is money.

If your husband has never had something go off like this before, I would say he is fortunate. Besides he did not do anything wrong.

Right now as always we look at you. This is your husbands job, he will figure it all out for himself. I know when mine was a contractor, I loved it when he vented, but it was not up to me to fix it, or be concerned.

We have no idea what the impact will be. Life is full of this kind of thing, so we take each day, do our best,do what needs to be done and rest and or play.

There is no use blaming your past. It was just coincidense that your ex was involved with this job.It has nothing to do with you.

I honestly don't get what makes you believe your past had any part in this.

You said you live in the same area, it just happened.

From what i have seen in my day this sounds like ptsd. there are different levels of it. well you know that. That makes sense that this would upset you and bring back memories.

I know my AH's career was his own.

As far as financial, this just happened. ONE day at a time. Things will always be ok,worked out.

I am glad you came and vented. Time to do for you. Go pick some flowers, get lost in a book. Anti stressors work for me.

Money comes and money goes. Life is full of ups and downs. What is important is that ex did not touch your husband, and husband held his integrity. I think that is pretty cool.

When I  get some feelings I wish were worked out that bug me, I have to tell myself that stuff is over. I am here now.

Plant your feet where you are. John F.

hugs linda,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Lindaoakford


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Thanks for your reply

Just to clarify..... It is my past because if it weren't for the history with me and my ex, my husband would not be refusing to go back to the job site entirely and he would still have a job. He has decided that it is too risky as he does not know what reaction he will have given that he knows what this man did to me. There is no way in the universe I ever want to be in a situation where this man is back in my life. I particularly would not be comfortable if my husband were to be 'under' him so to speak.

My husband is a calm man usually. He is a 3xblack belted martial artist so knows the best way to win a fight is to avoid a fight. I do wish they had all listened to me in the first place and my husband had refused to go to those worksites in teh first instance and this would not be an issue now, it could have been addressed prior to beginning work there.

Today, the colleague went back to the site and my husband has been told there is no work for him.

He will find another job no doubt about it. He is a good tradesman and will find work by the end of the week I would say. He hasn't been paid since before Xmas, so it is getting to the point we will need this with the amount of debt we currently have. Ihave perfect faith and trust in his ability to fix this himself.

I fully agree none of this is my fault, or within my area of needing to fix. The consequences would have been different if this man were not my violent ex partner, therfore our current financial situation (no pay for a few more days), is a direct result of the past relationships.

I just wonder what lesson I am supposed to be learning from this situation I suppose.



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Linda - a work in progress
Debilyn


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Linda good question about the lesson.

When things come up in my life over and over I ask the same thing,what do i need to learn from this?

Maybe since his presence can't spell...ugh still buggin you is saying you are not healed up from his bs.

You still have bad feelings. My goal with this stuff was to feel nothing. Not care anymore. Its the past. I am thinking for me, the more the same thing happened, the less I cared as I saw it didn't really hurt me any.

I am talking facing conflict. mean people. The administration of the school district, this crappy prejudice neighbor.

I grew in ways that when people are ugly, I think geez what is THEIR problem? I don't take their bs anymore. They cannot control me.

My mother taught me that. That when we allow others to upset us they care controlling us.

Seems like things have to happen over and over for us to find we feel nothing at all about it anymore.

being called in to be talked to by the vp was just sickening for me at first. Then after awhile I saw how stupid it was, so inappropriate of him and stuff that was not true. But at first I was scared. I would say no that is not the way it was at all. But i was not assertive enough. I would be very different now.

That creep does not control you anymore. He doesn't deserve the slime you could throw at him.

I was just thinking how you could draw a picture of him, then write on separate pieces of paper all the things that hurt you all the memories that plague you, then go dig a hole somewhere throw his picture in with his name on it and all those pieces of crap memories etc. then bury him and them! I am serious. Clean the litter box and put the stuff in his grave. then that is that. And when those memories come up in your mind, you can think nope I buried him.

This stuff works. Sounds corny but it really does. When my husband was gone 13 years I put that many pennies on a tiny raft I made, flowers a candle and other stuff then I sent it off in the river. That took care of some huge pain back then.

Anyway hugs! You can just let an orange be an orange some days uno! meaning I hope you are having some joy and laughter too. Don't lose that little girl in you. That is so important! love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
rehprof


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that just stinks

what's been hard for me is to figure out what is just random happenings, and what happenings I am supposed to be tuning in to and learning from...

maybe this was just one of those things that randomly happened...because really, does EVERYTHING happen for a reason? I really don't know...if you figure it out, please share...

In the meantime...you and your hubby have integrity on your side...keep doing the right thing...



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Lindaoakford


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Update. Ended up in an argument with hubby last night, think just because of the stress we are both feeling. We got over it and all was ok. I smoothed things over as I ALWAYS do!!!
anyhoooooooooo

His bosses promised him that if he went to one of the ex's job sites today, that (the ex) would not turn up on site. Hubby agreed but said if X comes on site, he is leaving the site. Yesterday, X was not supposed to be on site either, but when hubby and coworker chatted on phone later in the day (hubby did not work yesterday) it was apparent X did turn up and caused issues.

Anyway... I just want this to be all over. Yes it is coincidental and justone of those inevitable things I suppose. But even as we said last night, it woudl not be such a big deal if it were just some random person. This man can never find out where I live again..... there is a likelihood of violence... he did stalk me with a rifle for several months after our separation... yes police were involved etc etc.

I just can't wait till its over again.

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Linda - a work in progress
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