H is recovering…Y can't I? Help…. - Al-Anon Family Group

upintheair · Newbie

H is recovering…Y can't I? Help….

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Have you found a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting?

I understand what you are saying about cutting off emotions. I did the same thing for almost 20 years. I stopped feeling: no pain, no joy, just living.

After a year in Al-Anon along with a year in therapy with a counselor who specializes in helping addicts and their families, I am finally beginning to feel again. The first wave was the anger. Then the pain. And, now I'm beginning to feel the gratitude and the joy for the life I have lived and am living.

My AH is still active in his addiction, so repairing our marriage isn't possible yet. But, repairing me is possible. So, that is what I work on one day at a time.

It is a long, slow, painful process yet I am so grateful to be where I am now.

Welcome! You are in the right place.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear UPINTHEAIR

I also would like to add my Welcome to MIP

I am so sorry that you have experienced the devastating effect of alcoholism in your home. Your post touched my heart and soul because you expressed exactly had I felt oh so many years ago. That was my bottom and the day I walked into the rooms of alanon and found people who understood as no one else could and welcomed me with new tools that saved my life.

I urge you to find face to face meetings in your community and attend. Living with this disease is devastating and we need help to recover. I assure you that you can find joy, happiness and most importantly YOURSELF once again.

Please keep coming here and posting and know you are not alone

Al-Anon meetings in you community at:

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 17th of January 2012 12:16:55 AM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place.

Thank you for expressing how I have felt and still feel.

This is a horrible, powerful, baffling, and cunning disease. One of the many tools of Alanon is to practice being easy on ourselves and forgiveness. When I first came to Alanon, the concept was foreign and it took me a long time to start understanding and learning how to apply the Alanon concepts. I remember wanting to move out of that ugly space, and, one morning I woke up and the heaviness was gone.... I had a different perspective.

Anger and fear can sure overwhelm and influence other feelings. Once the negative can be processed and a focus can come to the positive, I find that I am more open, grateful, and notice choices that I otherwise would not have noticed.

I am in the process of learning how to trust myself and forge a new way of living. In many ways, I'm in a better place today than I was 5 years ago, 2 years ago, last year, and, even last month.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP!

I can certainly relate to all that you shared. I once felt all that too.

I spent many years in counseling - around 17 years. Lost count.

Then, still feeling guilt and self-hatred, I drove myself to an Al-Anon meeting (very reluctantly). My first few meetings were quite ackward. I would ask myself WHY come here???? But feeling as though I had no other option left, I kept returning. In addition to feeling so low after all the years of therapy, I saw that there were members in the meeting groups that exuded happiness, even though their lives were not perfect.
I would wonder where did their happiness come from? Aw, I'm glad I hung around because I find the answer. It's something you have to seek in order to find. No one can tell you, but you. This has been my experience.

Individual therapy was great. But for me, it took face-to-face meetings in order for me to begin to implement changes in my life. The members gave me hope that things could get better and tools to use in all aspects of my life.

So here's a little nudge from me to you: please consider Al-Anon. You can take what you like from the program. You don't have to swallow the whole enchilida!

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 17th of January 2012 01:35:46 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it's no wonder that you're having a hard time putting all that behind you. A counselor once suggested to me that it takes a lot of change to put things behind you. That is, the more you build a history of things being different, the less the past matters. However, I can't think that it will ever be as if it didn't happen. I hope your H is acknowledging all the pain and horror he put you through. Not just expecting you to forget it like turning off a light.

I began to understand anger better when I learned that it's really just a way to keep us distant from something that might hurt us. And that behind it is just as much grief.

Hugs.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Please find meetings for yourself , you need support . This is called alcoholism not alcoholwasm because you have been affected by someone elses drinking you too need to recover . AA will continue to take care of him , let Al-Anon return some sanity to your life .

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

"The more you build a history of things being different, the less the past matters."

Thank you Mattie

upintheair · Newbie

Thank you for your encouragement. Unfortunately my choice to step out of my marriage only served to confuse and depress me more than ever (and I really didn't think that was possible) but I was getting near suicidal and I just stopped caring about anything anymore. It was only 6 weeks or so before my husband found out and we decided to divorce. It was like a weight lifted off me. I felt horrible for having engaged in an affair (because I have been on the receiving end many, many times with hubby) but at least I could move on and start taking care of me. So a week later when he told me he wanted to go to counseling and had joined AA I still did not want to return to our marriage but the changes in him since October have been profound. He seems to be genuinely remorseful for what he's put our family through and has not pressured me in any way to "forgive" him. Even to the extent that my behavior has been completely over-the-edge irresponsible but he has been patient and waited for me to "get it out" so to speak. Well, therapy has finally helped me start to recover from the damage I inflicted on myself with my affair so I guess I expected some clarity. It's not happening and I just feel like I'll never be able to make a decision again. I wasn't like this before. I used to be so independent and confident. I don't recognize this person and worse I can't stand her.

Sorry to rant. I will find a meeting because I really don't feel like I have anything to lose at this point.

-- Edited by upintheair on Tuesday 17th of January 2012 08:46:34 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to mip, I just wanted to say what you stated about not having anything left to loose is where I was at when I came through the doors of alanon. I didn't like who I saw in the mirror and on a, deeper level realized that things for me couldn't keep going the way they were. Please keep coming back, go to a meeting and be gentle with yourself. It really does get better. Hugs p;)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I agree with Pushka: It was the moment when I realized I didn't have anything left to lose that I finally crawled into a meeting.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I dragged myself into an Al-anon meeting at my bottom too and it has only gotten better since that day! I am glad you found us at MIP and so happy you plan to find a meeting. I am sending you love and support.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are already on the right road... you found this site. Al-Anon has saved my life and restored me to sanity. Its hard to believe standing where you are now but just to know that other people could relate to my out of control life eased some of my anxiety when I first came to Al-Anon. It's wonderful that your husband is finding recovery and although you are angry now just know that so many experience that.. the feelings of why now? or why wasn't I the one who helped/chaned him? But there is something you can do for you and you deserve it.. no matter how angry you are at yourself, you are worth a happy life. Hope to see you posting. Glad you found MIP.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Your story sounds familiar to me. I didn't have an affair, but I too felt I had lost so much of my life, wasted on my AH. I was so angry and so hurt. But after attending Alanon and much reading and soul searching, I discovered something that worked for me. I learned to forgive... because it freed MY soul. The Alanon program will help you so much, face to face and coming here. Keep coming back. Take what you like and leave the rest. I hope you find peace....

Seahorse · Newbie

I'm new here too - and can relate to all that you wrote. My functioning alcoholic husband is fresh out of a treatment center and I am full of resentment. He has not acknowledged any of what he has done to me or the kids. I too went to a lawyer to file divorce papers if the intervention didn't work - i had disconnected from my feelings for him in order to survive. And now I don't feel safe to trust him or to love him. We are still together and have not talked about our marriage since he's home...he's assuming everything is okay because he went to treatment.
There are no Alanon meetings where i live - and I have spent the last 3 nights attending 2 alanon meetings in chat and on the telephone each night - I just still feel like I am in so much turmoil and am looking forward to one day finding peace and serenity finally. It hurts so much to think that almost half of my life was spent in codependency and living in a deep dark black hole - and worse is the guilt for pulling my now young adult kids into that hole with me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.