In Crisis - Al-Anon Family Group

stephaniej · Senior Member

In Crisis

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

No one deserves to be abused--physically, emotionally, or verbally. In the words of my sponsor, and other wise old-timers who know more than I do, read page 13 in ODAT. You do not have to accept the unacceptable.

I have experienced these Jekyll-Hyde moments, too. Sometimes the most innocent of questions can set off my AH. It has taken a lot of work for me finally to realize I can walk away from (or hang up on) any situation where I feel threatened.

There is no reasoning with an alcoholic who is deep into their bottle. I think of it this way: In my world, 1+1=2. Logically, I should be able to say, "Hey, I was just making conversation. I didn't mean to offend you," without fear of a backlash.

However, in my AH's world, 1+1=unicorns. And there is no way I can convince him otherwise. There is no reasoning with a person who lives with unicorns.

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

sparky60 · Newbie

Amazing how they can do that to us.

It was a real eye-opener for me to sit in family group sessions and have nearly 100% of the alcoholics comment that they had no idea how much they affected others.

I hope you can find solace in knowing you aren't alone...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Stephaniej

It sounds as if you were very generous and loving in your choice of Christmas gifts. I am so sorry that this disease is alive and so destructive in your family.

As others have pointed out-there is no talking to the bottle. Once Ii found the person I was speaking with was under the influence I immediately said I could no longer talk and was hanging up. No attempt to explain, no listening to unacceptable language. Just hung up and proceeded to do the next right thing for me

Please try to find meetings and keep coming here You are worth it

stephaniej · Senior Member

Oh Betty, how I wish I had done exactly that. I need to get myself in a mindset that I can end those conversations in a non-dramatic, non-conflict starting way (saying "I need to take the dogs out" or "I need to change the laundry around"). The whole experience just totally blindsided me tonight...usually there is at least a short build-up to the explosion, even if it's just 30 seconds. But tonight it just came out of nowhere, and I felt like I lost most of my Al Anon tools in my horror at how I was being treated.

1+1=Unicorn.
Don't go to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread.

Words to live by for me, especially at this point in my life. There is nothing rational about this man right now. It is profoundly sad, because two years ago he was a kind, loving, fun, giving person. He is totally, utterly unrecognizable now. His reactions to things bear no resemblance to anything remotely appropriate or proportionate to the things that bother him. He is completely unable to cope with anything, which means he cannot help me cope with anything either.

I need to turn to my MIP bakery for that loaf of bread, not my AH.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You said "they" are you saying the kids are with him???!!!!

He is wasted, abusing you in front of them?

Hey obviously you do NOT deserve abuse from the person who is suppose to love you the most. This is the horrible disease of addiction yelling at you. That means it is totally insanity, it means nothing.

No different than if he had a fever and said dumb stuff.

It is NOT personal.

Have you read Getting Them Sober volume one? toby rice drew?

Now this is where I am at and always have been. Myself when my AH was still around and was talking icky, I would say HEY don't talk to me like that!!! That's abuse! How dare you!

I didn't put up with it. That was that too,no talking about it,no wondering what I did to deserve it or start it. bolony.

When we take this abuse in front of the kids, that is even worse. They will grow up taking abuse too.

I invite you to love YOU and to stand up for yourself. Its very ok to protect that precious friend of yours, YOU.

Have said to people I will be treated with respect. I don't care if it was the principal or whoever.

So if I come up and slap you,you will immediately think you must have done something to upset me?

Maybe I am just mad and you were the closest.

Would you want your children to not stand up for themselves?

Your coming here shows you do care,shows you are looking for strength! That is soooo good. Please keep coming.

The womens group I attended helped me more than any one counselor.

Lotsa hugs to you, let us know how you are! love debilyn

stephaniej · Senior Member

Thanks Deb...no, the kids were not with him; I forbid them to go anywhere with him when he's drinking. He went to the fan convention with a friend, so that is the "they" I was referring to.

I am re-reading Getting Them Sober as of last night; clearly I need it much more than I thought. Progress, not perfection

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry for your experience, stephanie. You do not deserve to be treated that way as you stated earlier "maybe" you did. No one deserves that verbal abuse but unfortunately many experience it as a result of alcoholism. You already received awesome ESH. My best advice is to do something wonderful for yourself because you deserve it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs stephanie, you've already received great esh all I wanted to add is sending you love and support.

danni · Senior Member

sending you tremendous support. That sounds very upsetting and very sad. Plese be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are working a wonderful program, and you are doing the best you can in a unpredictable situation. Progress, not perfection. You have made tremendous progress. Keep up the good work and know that you are not alone. hugs

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

It was horrible, and now I am a basket case. Usually I can identify how I contribute to the outburst, but this time it absolutely came out of nowhere. I was shocked and stunned. I feel violated and beaten down. I feel like there is no hope, and that obviously I deserve it if someone treats me this way.
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Hi Stephanie,
I know how it feels, as do we all, when it comes out of nowhere. And the feeling of being violated and beaten down. But you absolutely don't deserve it and should never be treated this way. But we all have been where you are. And the feeling of no hope is really your grief coming out.

The disease will continue to get worse. These outbursts and bad behavior will come more often. He is getting deeper into his disease. It is mental illness brought on by booze. So you have to protect yourself. You are getting good ideas from a lot of people on this site that have been where you are now. Stay close and be supported by everyone here.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That was the "Mr. Hyde" response Steph...the bottle talking. ((((Hugs)))) stay in the reality it wasn't justified except by the booze. Let HP hold you and the MIP fellowship. If you're in program make a phone call and talk to a real voice also.

This is when it sucks!! (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The next time he starts up with that ,ask him to stop talking to you like that or your going to hang up the phone , if it dosent stop hang up and turn phone off .. No one has to be abused like that steph , alcoholics treat us that way because we let them . Some one told me along time ago , If your tired of being treated like a door mat = get up off the floor . Boundaries do that for us .. Louise

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a quick lesson in this on a train ride in St. Louis, MO. I was on the train near downtown and a very dirty, obviously stereotype alcoholic street person was sitting by me. He was saying not nice things to me, but I was ignoring him. A very nice, young man, also sitting next to me, said to me to tell him to stop talking like that. He told me the guy won't stop until you tell him to stop it. The alcoholic heard him say that to me but still continued. I finally stopped ignoring the alcoholic's behavior and looked at him and said, "stop saying that!". He stopped. I looked at the nice young man and said, "thanks for telling me that". And we finished our ride in peace.

It happened about 10 years ago, but I have never forgotten that. Don't ignore their bad behavior. Stick up for yourself. Take care of yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sticking up for yourself is good, but I would do it in a way that preserves your serenity. Instead of trying to argue with him when he is plastered and not making sense, 2 sentences would suffice "You are acting inappropriately and I am not going to stand here and listen. Not sure what upset you so much, but if you can explain it to me without cursing and yelling later, I'll be glad to talk to you." Then walk away. If he follows you, amps it up or runs over that boundary, then you have another problem of domestic violence on your hands and you do NOT need to tolerate it.

I know you didn't ask for any of this stephanie, but you gotta teach him how to treat you cuz he seems to think this is okay. It is up to you to teach him it's not and that will take being firm and maybe even utilizing outside help (police) if he wont stop terrorizing you after a clearly stated reasonable boundary. You don't have to live under threats and screaming. It may seem normal to you and your self-esteem has taken quite a beating, but it's not normal and you don't deserve it.

Mark

When I say it's up to you to teach him, I mean that it's up to you to do this for yourself. If he can't learn how to be civil and treat you with respect - that does not have to be your life long quest to teach him. You can let go of that at any time you choose.

stephaniej · Senior Member

Thank you so very, very much everyone! The ESH, the fellowship, the support...it has made a tremendous difference for me.

By the time my AH woke up on Sunday (well into the afternoon, with a raging hangover), he kept wanting to re-hash our "fight" over and over, in the guise of apologizing. Finally I told him that I appreciated his apology, and that I did not want to discuss it further. It was clear to me that continuing to talk and talk and talk would disrupt my serenity. For the most part, he respected this boundary.

I know his outburst was not about me. And I know this kind of behavior is totally unacceptable. A lifetime of self-loathing is a hard cycle to break, but I am slowly learning to love myself, and learning to create an environment that preserves and strengthens me.

Thank you again, so very very much.

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