When it comes to anyone with a problem with alcohol, there is no TYPICAL BEHAVIOR. I am so sorry you are going through this, that was not cool and if he was a real man he would have been honest and asked for the divorce earlier instead of blaming you for all his problems. My own father blamed ME for his divorce from my mother, he said that if I hadn't been born he wouldn't have married her and suffered his pain. Well, I've learned that sick people say sick things. The question is, how are you going to handle it all? Is there a chance he's on anti-depressants or medication that might alter his mood? My sister's husband went crazy about 2 years ago and we still don't know what happened. He asked her for a divorce, was having an online affair, etc and he isn't an alcoholic but he's an addict in other ways. Anyway, after reconciling he did it again to her 9 months later. Found another woman online and sent video of himself pleasuring himself to a 49 year old grandmother halfway across the country. I guess my point is: who knows why they do the things they do? We only have control over what we do. I'll be praying for you to find some peace. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hi & Welcome to MIP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I know the grief that alcoholism can cause.

I highly suggest that you check out Al-Anon meetings in your area.  It is suggested that a person attend at least 6 meetings before deciding if meetings are right for him or her.

I lived with an active alcoholic for decades, divorced him, and then found my way into the rooms of Al-Anon.  One thing that I quickly learned when I began meetings is that I wasn't the cause of his drinking.  I knew I couldn't cure it, nor could I control it.  However, I did believe that if it weren't for me, he might not have drunk.  That is how twisted my thinking became over the years.

I, like you, was told so many times that I was the cause, I somewhere along the line believed it.

I hope you check Al-Anon out for you.

Thanks all of you for your response....I do realize that even though we are divorceing that there are still things I need to deal with surrounding our relationship so I plan on checking out Al Anon...ive found a group in my city..just kinda nervouse about going.
I know that I am not the cause of his drinking, Its just hard to hear...after 15 years of trying to get him to stop and then leaving because I knew he never would as long as I was there..its just hard to hear.
I thought that once he got sober he would be clear headed enough to work on our problems but he seems more screwed up now then he did then...The way he is dodgeing his responsibilities and blaming everything on anyone available is not what I understood AA to be about. He has been attending AA regularly for the almost 2 yrs hes been sober and I find it hard to believe that no one has called him on his BS...

I know there is nothing I can do and that this is his journey....just was wondering if this is common for Alcoholics that are first sober....ive heard that the affair is very common...which is baffeling to me, It makes more sense to me that he would have had an affair while drinking. Now he acts as if and states that he has made so many improvements in his life and has made so many changes...but I see none of them as good. Even as he was drinking he was the person everyone went to and trusted. He was the person everyone loved and respected...(I know, hard to believe since hes an alcoholic but they didnt live with him) but now sober he has become a person who lies and is capable of being so dishonest and self centered and just cruel...like I said before, it makes no sense to me. Well, again I so appreciate your feed back...i will attend a meeting this week and see how it goes...

I think in a way alcohol often absorbs some of the craziness, and when the alcohol stops the craziness comes out.  That is, alcohol numbs feelings.  When they start sobriety, they have a ton of difficult feelings and absolutely no practice in how to deal with them.  So they often use other methods of distracting themselves from the feelings.  Sometimes this takes the form of other addictions -- drugs, compulsive eating, spending, etc.  Sometimes it takes the form of acting out sexually.  Anything to cause more chaos and drama because those distract from the feelings.  So he's come a tiny bit out of alcoholism, but not all the way.  The alcohol is no longer driving him, but the feelings that drove the alcohol are still driving him.

I'm sorry you're having to watch this.  Keep on taking good care of yourself.

Hi Wanting Answers,

I want answers too. But every alcoholic is different and what drives one of them is not exactly the same as what is driving another one of them. They all act the same, though. And living without the alcohol is way hard for them. We won't ever understand it, which is why AA is such a help. They find it real hard to BS another BS'er. The guys in AA (and women) know all the tricks and all the lies. So they are angels at their meetings and devils at home. If he told one of the guys at his meetings that "she is the reason I drink" I hope they would laugh him out of the room.

The most important thing you have to do is to take care of yourself. There is no one else that IS taking care of you. You have to do it. And you have to take care of yourself before you even think about him. That rage and the hurt that you have can eat away inside you. You have to take care of that. He has the rantings of a crazy person. And I pity the new lady. He will do to her what he did to you.

I can say this is not untypical of being in early recovery. When a person falls deeper into alcoholism it often accompanies being in a dead relationship or one that isn't really working....throw that on top of some sort of midlife crisis and there you have a newly recovering person with a new relationship and acting very different than before.

It will be extraordinarily hard for you to see this with any objectivity as this is highly painful and his choices are directly impacting you in such a big way. I am guessing he was suffering and miserable in many ways when drinking. Now sober for 2 years, he looks back on the whole period as being painful and difficult and you are the face that goes along with that period of time. I used to put my ex's face on my own alcholism also. Sadly, I still tie the worst period of my drinking to him just because that was my lifestyle back then. At 3 years sober, I don't bury my anger and sadness inside and drink it away. It would appear to others that I am more angry than before, but really I just have better boundaries and I tell people when they are treading on me rather than being the person everyone goes to while never looking out for myself.

Not saying your husband is "right" at all here. What I AM saying is that he is a person trying out a new way of life, new roles, and doing some painful growing in midlife (40's?). He is just starting to learn what he likes and does not like after years of drowning all of that with alchohol. He is going to be fickle and immature in some ways. Don't be too surprised that he has poor coping skills now that his chief coping skill (drinking) for dealing with problems is gone. It takes a while to stable out and find out what makes one happy as a sober individual. Some folks try new jobs, new relationships...whatever. Along with sobriety, comes a wider range of life choices and the fear that locks a person into staying in a job they don't like, a relationship they dont like...etc...those dissipate.

I have a new relationship and a new job since in recovery also... I am pretty sure my ex would have told you I was selfish and a whole lot of other bad things. I was never stupid enough to tell him that he was the "reason" I was drinking. I did say that I was miserable in that relationship and had fallen deeper into a pattern of alcholic drinking in response. Truth be told though, I was drinking like an alcoholic since I was a teenager though so blaming anyone else (including my parents) was futile. If he really thinks that you were the cause of his drinking, then feel sorry for him because the minute this current relationship goes sour and is not all shiny, new, and exciting, he will relapse.

To the degree you can separate yourself from him at this point, it will save you a lot of heartache. He is on a bumpy and difficult ride (trust me) and you don't have to ride it any more with him. Stepwork would help you to let go. You are powerless over his choices, his lifestyle, his view of things.... The more you think about them and obsess and stay angry, the more power that gives him and you are handing over your serenity on a platter that is engraved with the words "bitter ex" on it. Yes, you have good reasons to be upset, angry, betrayed...but none of those are going to help you deal with reality and be happy.

I do understand how you got the really short end of the stick here by hanging in there for 18 years for him to get sober and then do this to you. But, like I said, you can't change it and staying angry is going to hurt you and your son and not him. Of course all the above recommendations for alanon are good ones. The meetings, fellowship, and stepwork will all help you get busy forming a new life for yourself while coming to terms with who your ex is.

Mark

Thank you all for the great info...
I found an Al- Anon meeting that actually has Al-Ateen at the same time on Friday...Im going to a beginners meeting on Wed and then going to talk to my son and try to get him to try the one on friday while I go to the adult one.
We had a long weekend dealing with my husband, he lied to our son about working so he wouldnt have to spend the day with son and could have a day to spend with his "girl friend" whom our son knows nothing about....son has also asked about a girlfriend and he has lied to him about that also so its a pattern for sure.
I ended up calling him on the lie and he said he knew he shouldnt have done that and then proceeded to blame and attack me for making him feel bad for lieing........It is so frustrating to be his skape goat all the time, I told him I wasnt going to enable him anymore by ignoring his behavior and if he felt bad he should look in the mirror.
I dont know if I should have called him on it or not....but im sick of being dragged through the mudd and dragging our son along for the ride. and covering for him all the time, thats getting old to. I hope I can learn in al anon how to deal with these situations.
I for see it getting worse as I found out he is not attending AA regularly as he use to....that is a first in the last 2 years, he has always been pretty religiouse about going and now its getting less and less...its to bad since hes comeing up on his 2 yr birthday for AA in about 3 weeks. He says he talks to his sponsor but Im doubting that also...but this is not my problem. If he does crash and burn, there is nothing I can do about that . I def have already learned that. Just want to figure out how I can keep myself and my son from getting burned in the process...
thank you for all your input. I feel like Ive finally found some people who get it....

found a meeting 3 blocks from my home tomorrow night....kinda nervouse...