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Thank you to all who've responded. You are amazing. Truly. Below are answers to some questions, and an update about an incident last night
To answer some questions:
My AH went into rehab last May-June. He got out, did some AA for about 8 weeks (at best), and ditched. Then he went to couseling, ditched recently. We've done marriage counseling in that time - he manipulated that.
I am going to take your advice - a long, and short term plan. It's hard - I have no time, between my 20 month old daughter and a full time job, and managing through chaos in my home and family. I need to rise above this and just DO IT.
Someone mentioned that our home is also our daughter's home, and that typically (legally) the mother/child will be permitted to stay (to refresh, my AH is telling me that, if I divorce him, he will throw me out b/c the house doesn't belong to me - ?). In the state of OHIO, does anyone know if the house equally belongs to me via marriage? I believe so.
I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer next week. Please pray for me, and my daughter. I'm going in just to ask some questions for now.
In terms of my fear - thank you for your wisdom! Some of my fear is due to my AH being intimidating - he will yell, get in my face, and put his hands on me enough to yank me around a little. He isn't thinking with a sane mind, and that only escalates. The instability in his mentality and moods scares me. His threats to throw me out if I divorce him, his past threats to keep our daughter if I divorce him (he says I can't leave with her, even if I'm afraid), his threat to kill himself if I divorce him - they all scare me.
Last night: My AH asked for us to go out on a date night. It was nice, and he was trying to be kind/considerate. It was a good break - but I'm pretty sure it's just so I will sign the purchase agreement to buy this foreclosed him, so he can fix it up and charge rent (illegally btw - it has to be owner occupied for the first year at least). THEN: I put my daughter to bed, and asked him to come up when I left her room to stay for a bit - that way she will stay calmer when I leave. This took a while - she was overly tired, didn't have her Motrin (teething toddler), and wasn't falling asleep (would cry, etc). I came upstairs so he could let me know if he needed me to take over again. I heard four loud "bangs." I went down the hall to see her door shut, she was crying, and he was walking toward me. When I asked "what happened?" - he said "I slammed the door - after 45 mins of her still being awake!" I went in - clearly he had kicked her door/wall in a rage a couple of times, and slammed it as he walked out - leaving her on her bed/crib to cry. He later apologized for "losing his temper." I said "you need to hand it off to me when it gets to that point" and I went to her.
This is so friggin NOT OK! I stayed calm, but am I supposed to accept that as normal parental frustrations???? Someone please tell me.
Gratitude -
Kristen
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
No, you are absolutely right that this is not okay. It can be terrifying to the child. Everyone finds cranky toddlers frustrating, but healthy people deal with their frustration in healthy ways (taking time out to calm down, breathing deeply, finding time for themselves when available, reminding themselves that it is what it is, etc. etc.) Even if your daughter grows up physically unharmed, it can cause fear and/or a sense that violent men (or men that act out physically when upset) are "normal" and familiar and that she doesn't deserve any better. That's not okay.
I am also worried by his habit of acting out physically in other ways. You have not been hurt yet, as I understand, but this is the kind of behavior that very often goes before actual violence. No one can foretell the future, but your safety is of the utmost importance.
I'm afraid I don't know anything about Ohio laws, but I can tell that your husband doesn't either. I think it is extremely (extremely) unlikely that he would get custody of your daughter. It would help for you to document his anger problems and his relapses from recovery, in a place where he can never find them. That will help the courts when the time comes to decide these things. Your lawyer should have experience with addictive, potentially risky spouses. If he sounds clueless, do get another lawyer. My lawyer told me that the primary caregiver (in this case, you) will remain the primary caregiver unless there is compelling evidence that they are not suitable. And that any tradition you set up (for instance, husband comes over to see child on Sundays) and have had going for a while will probably be the way the court wants it continued, again unless there is compelling evidence that it should be different.
One thing my lawyer warned me about is letting my AH have our child unsupervised. If I were to do this, it would be evidence that I feel he is a responsible caregiver, and the courts would honor that. So that would mean that he might be able to take our child overnight, etc.
Our child is now older and well able to phone me should something go wrong, and also my ex-AH is a binge drinker (spends long periods sober and then messes up bigtime, on a cycle) and never violent, so my situation is somewhat different from yours and I have let him have certain kinds of access. What is appropriate for your situation will be different.
Whether your AH can throw you out of the house would depend on a number of different factors, so your lawyer will have to say. The fact that he is threatening to throw his own baby daughter out of her house shows right there that he is not a parent who takes parental responsibility very seriously. That could be useful evidence for a court. You are also certainly entitled to leave with your daughter. (And he would be liable for child support.) His threats concern me, though. The National Domestic Violence hotline number is 1800799SAFE(7233). Don't hesitate to use it if things escalate. If he shows signs of being serious about his threat to kill himself, call 9-1-1. You are not a professional and cannot be his bulwark against suicide. If he is feeling that way, he needs to get help from people who know what to do. If he is just manipulating you, he needs to stop it.
This is a tough situation. Please take good care of yourself and your precious daughter. Sending you many hugs.
In NC there are law firms that have websites that have frequently asked questions sections. I was at work and looked to find my answers regarding NC property laws. Perhaps there are law firms in your area that offer a similar space on their website.
I would have some picture documentation of the kick marks on the wall and door. I would also have a friend who I could text to call the police if you feel at all threatened, there is no way you will leave your baby, and yet you need a plan. Perhaps you being able to call directly is not possible but you could have a quick text set up so that you have someone who can call on your behalf?
Sending so much love and support, .. find out what your options are because they will serve you best .. I just said earlier today that knowledge is power and I firmly believe that.
Take care of you and your little one, find strength in knowing you are not alone and others have gone through this before you. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this all at the same time. It sounds like you are standing firm and fair in your boundaries and working a solid program. If you have a sponsor, keep them on speed dial for moral support. If you don't have a sponsor now would be a good time to get one.
You've gotten such solid ESH in these posts keep doing what you are doing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
No definitely not okay and if he lays hands on you already and reacts that way to your baby crying be careful! I hate giving advice, but please take care of you and the little one. It sounds like dv and or extreme bullying is going on which in my book is unacceptable behavior. Keep protecting the two of you. I am sending you lots of love, courage and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
do an internet search for Ohio Divorce Laws, first search option I got, told me a WHOLE lot about what you will be facing. Your H is Way Off BAse dear, he cannot throw you and child out on your ear. He is using your fear of being abandoned against you. see for yourself:
I hope this comes through the way I think it will....
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
