how to word it. - Al-Anon Family Group

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

how to word it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Breaking up with someone via text in my personal opinion is childish, disrespectful, kind of chicken too (granted abusive relationships whole other issue however if it's not it's not really a nice way to break up). It's not something I would want done to me. Sending an ultimatum via text pretty much what is happening. Now that is just my opinion.

I would highly encourage you to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. I also encourage you to look at your motives are you really prepared for the consequences of what you are going to say? There is always the large possibility that he is going to pick the alcohol. Are you really done or do you think you are going to control the situation by saying this? It's not to say you don't have a right to say something about his drinking it is about motives and control.

A book I highly recommend reading is something called The Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage I realize you aren't married however there are some really great tips on communication and they translate to all walks of relationships. I'm currently trying to get into Getting Them Sober and I've heard really great things about that book as well.

Anyway, I am sending you love and support. I know it's not an easy situation to walk. When having this kind of conversation I really try and come from the standpoint of is this something I would want done to me. THINK .. (Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind)

Hugs P :)

Take what you like or leave it all hugs :)

-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 13th of January 2012 08:30:07 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

As I understand it, you are not breaking up with him, just telling him that if he's drinking, he should stay elsewhere? It sounds as if you've been through some really difficult experiences when he comes home drunk. I'd guess we've all been there. I'm so sorry.

My experience is that alcoholics will push and push at the boundaries. They have to see that you really mean it and they'll test. They may agree (or not), but the agreement may mean just "I'm not going to argue about it, I'll push it at the time." So he may agree or not agree to your boundary, but then he'll come home drunk. That's where you need to have the plan thought out in advance. What happens if he doesn't abide by the boundary, and comes home drunk? Not abiding by boundaries is kind of the essence of alcoholism.

So before sending him the message -- or however you deliver it -- you'd want to have a plan for if he violates it. I assume he has a key to your place. I assume you wouldn't have a legal right to have him physically thrown out. Is there a way to assure he doesn't come home even if he'd determined to? Or is there a different boundary that you could set that would have the same effect of you not having to be around it? (And you not having to disrupt your life because of it.) In my experience, the chances that he will violate the boundary and come home drunk anyway are pretty much 100%. And if he's anything like my A, he will deny he's drunk. "I'm not drrrrunk! [Loses balance.] You'rrre imaginning things again! I can't stand yur parrranoia!" Etc. etc. (If you're like me, it's hard to stay calm at this point, unless you have a ton of recovery. Or else you laugh -- sometimes you just have to laugh.)

I do think telling him on the phone or in person would have more chance of sounding serious to him than doing it by text. But my hunch is that he will violate the boundary however he hears it.

Do you go to meetings? Setting appropriate boundaries was one of the things that took me a long time to figure out and practice, so meetings can be so useful. Take care of yourself. (Also, everything I've said also applies if I've misunderstood and you're meaning to break up with him, in my experience!)

-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 13th of January 2012 10:57:09 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are making it to face to face meetings and the book mentioned above "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews can be of help in this exact instance, atleast it was for me and boundaries and ultimatums. Are you setting new boundaries are reinforcing the old and what are the consequences? I try to remember whether the A will drink or not, what are you gonna do? It helped me to have a life of my own and not base my plans or day on what my exAH was doing or whether he was drinking or not. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Question: You think there was some sort of misunderstanding when you spoke to him before??

No matter how clever I was at stringing my words together, my AH wanted what he wanted, and the drink always came first. Always. It didn't help that my boundaries were flimsy, but I had a terrible fear of losing him and the security that he represented for me, so I would always give in... that's my part in the insanity. Plus, I thought I could string those words together and somehow change him....

But I found my way into the rooms of al-anon, and I am learning how to manage my life much better. I do hope that you are doing the same.

We are powerless over alcohol. Powerless. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 13th of January 2012 12:58:00 PM

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

I am not trying to control him. I'm just trying to take back my home. If he leaves I am fine with that. He dose not provide me with anything that I need to get by financially or any other way. I have no other way to detach from him but to tell him to leave. I cant just leave the room he comes with me. It is my house and I refuse to leave it. My mother lives in the same house and she is disabled and has very bad nerves. Im thinking that I might have her to also tell him that she dose not want him in her home if is going to be drinking or is already drunk. And we will no longer allow him to bring beer home. If he wants to sober up and stay fine. If not then some one else can look at him while he is passed out. I am tried of worrying about weather or not i have to come up with a reason why so and so cant come over. Last time i just didn't care anymore and told my friend that he was passed out because he was drunk and it was only 4pm on a weekday. she laughed about it but I know she was judging the situation. I just cant really think of a good way to put it that wont make it look like im starting a fight.

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

I have already read getting them sober. Im looking for more books that i can get on kindle

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Said yourself you have told him several times. He still does it. Doing the same thing expecting a different result is insanity.

For me it is this person made their choice, it is now out of your hands. He chose to drink and still come to your house.

so what do you want to do now? Get a storage unit and put his stuff in it and change the locks.

Ask him, since you chose to drink many times and come home when I told you not to, I see you have chosen not to live here. I am fine with that.

What you wrote was both confusing and it means nothing as you have said it several times and did not follow thru.

I am very glad you are in a good place, with out him. It is so horribly scarey when we aren't.

you know too, I think it is more, "I choose not to live with anyone who ignores my requests." Isn't that really what you are saying?

Its not that simple anyway. Him just not drinking is moot. That is only part of it all,only a symptom. Plus what makes one think they can just stop?

For me I am clear. I do better with clear.

He made his choice, so what are you going to do? hugs hugs,debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You've received great supportive replies. My ideal check list is checking my motives and being clear with myself first, then saying what I mean- mean what I say and don't say it meanly... also to be brief. My anger and fear used to cloud how I interacted with my exAH. I have discovered that I am most comfortable with myself and the situation when I can speak from a place of honesty and kindness. It is a journey for me to find a loving place without making myself too vulnerable to everything I encounter.

My exAH has impeccable radar and senses to what degree I'll hold a specific boundary. If he thinks there is any opportunity, and the mood strikes, he'll masterfully test it.

I have found that training myself to speak in a calm voice goes a distance with him and curtails some of the boundary testing... and when it doesn't, it goes a distance with me for not reacting.

There are rare occasions we need to be in contact. If he seems to be spinning out of control, I tell him, "let's be in contact when you're feeling calmer". I tell him I need to excuse myself from the phone and we can discuss what we need to at a later time. It took some practice for both of us, and I find he often is not interested in listening to me when we speak, but, somehow he seems to be respecting/ responding to this more.

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

I told him Friday night that he is no longer allowed to drink at my house or come to my house after he has been drinking. I told him that if he decides to drink then he must stay somewhere else. I also told him that it was not just my decision but a household one that everyone has agreed on. Not just me. My sisters kids stay with us on the weekends and that is one of my concerns is that her son will think that his behavior is normal and ok. I also told him that if he dose come to the house after drinking that he will be asked to leave. If he dose not comply with the house rules that we will have to have him removed because his choices are affecting everyone in the home not just him. All he said was OK. and so far he has done great. He really wanted to drink yesterday. He kept complaining about how bad he felt and how a beer would make him feel better. I never told him he could not a have a beer a just calmly said. You can not have any beer in the house. He said he knew and just came to hang out on the couch with me. 10 hours later he still didn't feel great but he also never left to get beer. I left for work this morning and came back and still had not had a drink.....I know that this will probably not last long but at least he took it a little more serous this time.

Yllek · Member

You are one lucky lady that went very well, this time. You are in the right place for the support aspect of the program.

I found How Al-anon Works a very good resource for face to face interactions to deal with someone that is so sick.

I recommend a weekly meeting or two, your situation sounds like the calm before the storm, to me. There is no-one more appealling than a sober AH, they are so charismatic and cunning they could sweet talk a banana out of its peel.

Sending you warm thoughts and prayers, keep coming back!

Yllek

Blessing

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