"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

manty · Newbie

i'm sure

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings in you area and a great book to read is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I am sending you love and support.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Manty, and good for you in finding us.... Al-Anon is a great program for you, and will help support you on your journey of emotional growth and recovery....

MIP is a great board, and you'll find all kinds of people who can relate, and will share their E,S,&H with you....

In the end, the only person we truly have the power to change is ourselves - how we react to given situations, the perspectives we bring, etc., etc....

Kudos to you for your 10 years....

Take care,

Tom

p.s. I'm a big believer in blatant honesty as well - your hubby can no longer be considered "sober for 9 years" if he is smoking pot! :)

manty · Newbie

Thank you very much

manty · Newbie

I am scared...

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Manty -- I'm glad you found us. It sounds as if you need more support than you have in your life right now. A wise counselor once told me, "Whenever you're feeling the strain, you need more support." You have addiction in your background and in your husband's, and it sounds as if maybe now his addictive impulses are coming out in the marijuana and yours are coming out in codependency (and cutting, if I understand correctly?). And you're still feeling a lot of depression. So both of you could use a great deal of support and you especially, since your life is for you -- you're the one who can take best care of yourself. Depression is awful. And the problem is that codependency can distract us (like cutting, and other self-harming additive habits like drinking, etc.), but it doesn't really address the problem, so the problem goes on and on.

Do you have an Al-Anon or CODA group you go to? Face-to-face meetings can be so helpful. You know they say to try 6 because they're all different. And do you have AA or another group for your sobriety? And maybe be a good therapist? Really, life can be so hard that I think we all need all the support we can get. Please take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keeping back. Hugs to you.

never going back · Senior Member

(((Manty)))
I am so glad you found us. I'm still pretty new to all this myself, but the things I've learned in al-anon have made my life so much better. I'll repeat what's already been said, please try to find an al-anon meeting in your area, if you can.

And keep coming back here, let us know how you're doing.

Sending you positive thoughts.....

........Denise

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Manty. Welcome and Keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Manty lady.

I am very concerned for you. Am not quite sure where the fear is coming from. If it is someone is hurting you physically I invite you to call the Dept for Human Services, and ask about a group for abused women please!! many colleges have them on campus too.You could also call any counselor listed in the yellow pages to get direction. IF you need to leave there are special shelters you can go to.

If these scars are from self abuse, I invite you to to find a good counselor you feel comfortable with.

I am sure you are very disappointed and sad that he has gone back to that world. We know we can do nothing about them. So we learn what to do for ourselves.

At the bottom of this share is a number to call and a site to find an Al Anon group in your area. You can also pm someone here if you need to talk one on one. Just click on anyones name.

We all feel better when we share and when we proactively are doing something.

We mean it when we say we care Manty, this is not bs.

You are not feeling sorry for you coming here or going anywhere for help. You are showing self care which is vital to all humans. This world is very hard to be in alone when we have specific needs.

To be with one all that time and having a relationship. Then for them to relapse and your oneness changes is horrible. Been there.

The key is to love YOU. Love the you the creator gave you enough to take care of her.

We love it when new people come here. Believe me many, many of us have been thru what you have. We know the pain, fear and confusion.

PLEASE know you are good enough for everyone! including you!!

Keep coming. PM me anytime. hugs,debilyn in Oregon

manty · Newbie

Thank you all for the kind words...I do have a counselor:) I just started going back to her a couple of weeks ago...My husband I go together, but I think it's to much to hear some of the things he has to say. I don't know how to not take on his feelings and it hurts. He is a wonderful person and I can think of all these great things about him and nothing nice about myself...He has never hit me. My scars are from myself...I'm consumed with what other people think of me, I'm scared of living my life and thinking about what my husband thinks and will he think I don't care?...I know of one Al-Anon meeting where I live, and for sure going to go. I need to get back to A.A. But just for today i'm working on some letting go and letting god. Will see what tomorrow brings:) Thank you for all the kind words. It's something wonderful to know I can connect with people online and get that feeling of not being alone...So thanks and have a good night

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Manty,
One thing among millions that has helped me is the daily reader by Melanie Beatty called "The Language of Letting Go". What I love about this reader is it does not deal strictly with one 12 step program. Since you are a double winner it might be helpful to you. Sometimes you can find them at Amazon for a greatly reduced price. I am Al-Anon and my sponsor is AA/Al-Anon and it was the first book she told me to get when we started working the steps. It has proven to be a very valuable tool in my work towards Serenity. Remember to take care of yourself first, and let the others take care of themselves. Yea I know it's hard to do but you can do it, it just takes a lot of practice and trust in your higher power.
(((HUGS)))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Manty...you've found your way thru the doors of unconditional love and acceptance...get ready to learn and practice that with this group of MIPers and Al-Anonees. I'm a double meaning both programs and like you I haven't drank or used any chemicals for a long while. Today its about me facing me and applying the unconditional love and acceptance the fellowship of Al-Anon gives me a daily diet of. If what you're going thru is just "fear of" or "fear to" or "fear from" that's temporary; I know that from my own Al-Anon experiences. I was taught good. Most fear lives in my head...evidence and messages which are dream't up from...? So I learned an Acronym in recovery that helps me when my head is going of on its own drawing and painting pictures of gloom, doom, and self destruction..."False Evidence Appearing Real". When I find myself in that old habit of practicing depression (anger turned inward) I debunk the evidence. I can't remember the last time I "what iffed" or the opposite of it "what if not". With the program and my Higher Power in constant attendance the fear has been replaced over and over and over.

No one here to hurt you and you don't have permission to hurt yourself. There is no justification for it.

Get to the face to face meetings of Al-Anon and get the literature and keep coming back here. Congradulations on your sobriety...soooo important cause without that you can't have much of anything else.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 13th of January 2012 12:33:18 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"