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The other day I wrote a post on how do i end things. Should I visit him or not. I already mentally prepared myself that this relationship is over. After a year of cheating, lying and instance of physical abuse and taking a hard hit financially with this person and sticking with him through the 1t time in jail and now dealing with it again. This year has taught me a lot. And in this year I have learned a lot. It took a year to come to the conclusion that I have been playing the fool and have been under a sick brain wash with this drug addict. Its sad because I still question everything that has happened since day 1. Now the after effect is hitting me.
I replay every single little thing in my head, every moment good and bad. I get upset because I wish it couldve been different. If this man was good and healthy things would be great. I am sooooooo spiteful right now and have so much anger inside of me because he took away my happiness and joy. I feel like all my oxygen has been depleted and I am slowly trying to breath. I am angry and unmotivated. I pretty much am depressed. But it is it supposed to feel like this? Shouldnt I be celebrating? How can I get over this slump? I have always been a happy optimistic person and no relationship has taken a toll on me like this.
I ended it by going to see him yesterday. I have to admit I wanted to use every minute in there because I knew this was the last. Although I shouldnt be surprised I was. He came in with an attitude and went straight to..dun dun dun dun.
YOU HAD ME LOOKING LIKE A DUCK. I SHOULDNT HAVE EVEN CAME DOWN. YOU DIDNT PUT THE MONEY FOR THE COMINSARY AND I WAS LOOKING STUPID WAITING IN LINE. I JUST KNOW NOW I CANT DEPEND ON YOU.
I laid it in, I teared up but stood my ground. I told him I am the most truthful person you will ever meet. If you cant depend on me, FINE! That just shows me I am only good for my money. He was like are you serious? I was like you dont love me, he was like I should walk out right now. He said if I didnt show up yesterday we were done for good!
I told him I knew the truth about his baby mama and I told him I cant trust him. He was like you care more about her than I do. I dont give a #&^#! We just stared at each other knowing we dont love each other. He looked at me like he didnt trust me at all. Again and again constantly accusing me of seeing other guys. His theory on this is that bc I dont trust him with her, he thinks I am seeing other guys so he doesnt trust me. I NEVER EVER LIED OR CHEATED EVER ON THIS GUY! It makes me sad that people make a fake fantasy about me and no matter how much you force someone to believe the truth, he is believing his own lies.
I told him I could not give him money bc of financial situation and he did not care at all. He was like YOU CAN GO HANG WITH YOUR FRIENDS, YEA RIGHT! YOU HAVE MONEY YOU BETTER PUT IN MONEY ON FRIDAY OR ELSE WERE DONE! IM SERIOUS!
It really made me sad to know this person thinks he can talk to me like this, even if he was joking or not. He would say he thinks about the future between us and how much he wants it to work out and how he is changed and does not want drugs anymore and he says I wasted my life away its not worth it.
He says I bet you have everyone telling you leave him, he will continue to do this,etc, etc. He basically said everything you guys tell me. So its almost like he indirectly admitted what he does.
He mentioned a lot of things that lead me to believe he would sell himself for drugs, he mentioned guys in jail call women out of the classifieds to get minutes and money and visit them. I automatically knew that this spoiled 30 yr old boy that doesnt have his family to care or anyone else and now me and he knows he is going to jail or prison for a long time he doesnt care. He will call those woman if he has too.
He tried to be nice at sometimes but always referred to putting money on his account and this time I felt no emotion, no sympathy and no sorrow. No love or happiness. I was staring at a man that I gave my all too, someone that I wish I could truly be with and I realized I can not hold on anymore. After all the support and advice I tried to block it out of my head how messed up this is. But I cant ignore it anymore. The pain and after affect is killing me. I wish he could love me and I wonder if he will regret what he has done to me. I just dont want to still be hurting and one day see that he is changed and better and its taking me longer to recover.
Thank you again and I will be attending a meeting tomorrow.
(((Julie))) What a hurtful experience for you have to go through. It seems like you have seen the reality of the situation and decided to stop living with his addiction. That looks like major progress to me. I know this is not easy for you, breakups are always painful. But you are on the road to recovery and it WILL get better!
Remember that you are arguing with an insane person. Alcohol changes their mental processes, and a lot of people didn't start out with healthy thoughts in the first place. So you get unhealthy thoughts altered by the insanity of alcohol and you really get insane thinking. It is like arguing with a person ranting on the street. They are not in touch with reality.
And also remember that "Feelings aren't facts." It hurts terribly to think that we've given so much to someone who was incapable of treating us well. We kept hoping and it was all for nothing. But that's water under the bridge. It's in the past and the future can be different. The more we change, the more our future will change.
Whatever he does in the future, it doesn't have to diminish your happiness one bit. But from everything I've seen, people who are that sick in their thinking and that deep in their addictions and insanity do not just turn around and become loving partners to the next person to come along. It takes years of enormous effort and learning to make changes that big. Only a small proportion of people make it. You will know if he should become a healthy person. If he starts recovery (which does not sound even on his horizon right now), and gets into AA or another 12-Step program, and gets a sponsor and sticks with it and works all the steps, one thing he will do is make amends to you that don't demand anything from you, and don't manipulate you or try to make you feel guilty or that you should get back together. If he should enter recovery and become healthy, in 3+ years (and the number could be 20 or 30), you'll get those amends. If you don't get them, you can assume that the only relationships he's in are as hellish as the ones he's had in the past.
I hope your shoulder's feel lighter and yes your heart may be heavy but your steps will become freer as you move along your recovery journey. The heart is a wonderful muscle, capable of solid repair!
I feel for you. It is very hard. But I believe that it does get better - it is getting better for me, and I just made the hard decision to end my marriage about a month ago. And even though it is still very hard (we are still living together), over that month, it has gotten better and better, because I feel free to take care of me. I hope you will take care of you. Go to meetings, and treat yourself, even if it is just to a nap, or a good movie. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
