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I have really regressed in my recovery. I hate my soon-to-be ex-AH so much, and I am so full of resentments. I've been going to extra meetings, but it hasn't really helped yet.
I posted before that I am divorcing my AH. He's been clean for about 15 months, but not really working a program of recovery. And, we have a 2 month old daughter now, and I have simply had enough.
I was talking to him today about support, visitation, and those types of things, and the extreme hate just really came to the surface.
I hate him for all of the lies he has told, for all of the lies that he still tells, for all of times I visited him in rehab, for all of the calls I made to get him into rehab, for all of the times I sat by his hospital bed when he was in for alcohol poisoning, for all of the money he stole from me, for all of the times I visited him in jail, for not being here to help me take care of our newborn daughter, for all of the times that I lied for him, for all of the times that I picked him up off of the floor when he was passed out, for all of the rides I gave him when his license was revoked, I could go on and on...
Your not going to like this much but for me when I accepted the fact that my husb did nothing to me that I didnt allow * over and over again * he was only doing what alcoholics do , What in hell was the matter with me ?? In Al-Anon I learned what was the matter with me and have stayed long enough to change most of my problems . Taking responsibility for my part in the relationship was not easy but necessary for me to move from hate to compassion .. Just my opinion Louise
I am really torn here...yes we "allow" things to happen to an extent...
yet some of the things that people do are completely outragious and wrong...and I think it is really okay to be angry at this behavior. Addiction does not absolve ANYONE of stealing, lying and/or abusive behavior.
Where I used to err is in trying to MAKE my A behave differently...and get HIM to understand how WRONG he was...now that was futile.But when he stole money and lied...I had (and still have) every right to be angry about it...
(((stopandchat))) Oh, it hurts me so to read what you just wrote about hating yourself. I think I understand as I have also been in that place. You may not be able to see it right now, and I don't even know you, BUT - I know you are a good, worthwhile person deserving of love. I so hope that you will be able to see that and come to love yourself. Alcoholism/addiction truly is a family disease. It not only destroys the A, but the chaos and craziness can also destroy his/her family and loved ones. Please don't let yourself be destroyed by this. You deserve and are worth so much more1
Do you hate yourself because of the hate you feel for him and you have judged that as wrong?
If so, emotions are ok in any form. It is what we do with them that counts.
In my experience, that feeling will pass. Right now it is the hate that is driving you, it is creating momentum, it is getting you through this stage of grieving for your lost hope and dreams of your relationship.
I agree with TooHard
From my experience, divorce, no matter the circumstances, creates discomfort, dislike and yes sometimes hate.
I hated my ex husband, now I am more ambivelant with periods of hate and resentment and now even some sadness.
I am learning recently to try not to judge my emotions, to feel them, and to move through them. I can't do this on my own however, I need the help of this board and my psychologist.
I hate myself for allowing him to hurt me for as long as I did, especially the past year or so. I knew better then, and I still stayed and let him make a fool out of me. I was so desperately trying to hang on to the illusion of a family unit f
Anger is a defensive emotion that we get when we need to confront something we are afraid of. When we are angry (to the point of hatred) we feel stronger, have less conscious fear and are prone to act.
I believe all of our emotions are for a reason, you are reacting to emotional pain that was inflicted on you. Just like when we are hurt physically, the pain we feel is our body telling us we need to go easy while we recover, the pain you are feeling is your emotional self telling you the relationship needs to change.
Go ahead and feel angry, don't hate yourself, and keep going to meetings, it will get better.
Forgive yourself , you like most of us did what we thought was best at the time , when we know better we do better. Self esteem and self worth take time this program will give those back and you will not allow yourself to be treated like that again . Louise
Please please put down the bat & pick up some of the gentle al-anon tools, keep going to those meetings.....keep yourself supported......do you have a sponsor who can give time to you thats not always available at meetings?
Ive learned in Al-anon to make amends to myself, love myself.
I see you are a new Mummy....congratulations! You are in fierce protective mode, you have something precious to protect & your anger is healthy. Use it positively.
I So Very Much Understand your Anger, & Its OK to have it... I Understand your Hatred of the Cituation you are in & the Troubled times that you are having... I think a piece of us all do...
I know this May sound Trite, or Minimal for what you are going thru, but these little things HELP ME, when I was Drownin in my own self Hatred & self Pity... And they are But Little things I did thru Out my Day to Remind me to stay in "THIS" moment, Not looking back at what I "Shoulda... Coulda... Woulda...." Not Done!
For me Serenity Prayer was HUGE... Every time my Anger Resurfaced, I would Calmly Say the Serenity Prayer
God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I CAN NOT CHANGE>>>> "The A" & the Courage to Change the Things I Can >>>> "ME" & the Wisdom to know the Differance...
Also...Ask for H.E.L.P.... Heal Ourself Purge Emptiness
Q.T.I.P..... Quit Taking it Personally... "This one was a Biggy for Me, Every thing He did I thought was Directed to Hurt Me! I Found out later... I was just as Sick (If Not More) then He was...."
DETACH With Love... "Well this one didn't come for a VERY LONG time .... But Once I began to Love Myself again, I did Learn to Pray for Him" It Truly Helped me See him for the Sick Person he was... and Helped Me Accept that Regardless of the Pain that I experienced In My PAST with him... He Taught me How NOT to allow that behavior in My Future... So He Taught Me, How to Take care of Myself but all his Actions I had to experience...
These are all Little things, but if I work them, and Try Everyday to Make the next one Better then the Last, then things will indeed Slowly start turning back around... No One Can Tell you What to Do, You are Your Own Person, and Now You have a Baby to Take care of regardless of where or what he is up to... You Took Charge of Your LIfe & Made Decisions for the both of you, to better your Life, These are All COURAGOUS things... You Should Feel Good about that... Your Courage Got you this Far, & Regardless of the Fears, You Can Get thru this... Just One Moment at a time... And If you have a F2F Meeting in your area, It Truly Could Help you Get thru this spell of Resentment, hatred, Fear, discontent... As Can MIP...
This Program for me has been One of Healing Myself 1st, and Allowing God to Heal those I have no Control Over...
KEEP COMING BACK... Because You Are Worth it ....
Friends in Recovery... Please take what you like & leave the Rest...
Over time and when you and your daughter have moved on to a more secure place in your lives, those feelings will lessen. It's going to take time but in the meanwhile, the alanon will help too.
I can really relate to your post and lately I have been having glimmers or resentment when I start to think of the past. I have to remind myself to stay in today... On the list of people I need to make amends to. I am number one.. because I have put alot of stress on myself that I needed this wonderful life and husband and instead of taking life as it came I put pressure on myself when things did not go the way they "should have." The second person on my list is my husband because every time I coddled him and helped him up up and up I did not let him fall.. hardwhich is what he needed to do. I tried to pressure him and control him and to mold him into exactly what I wanted and in doing so I did not allow him to be him. But the bottom line is that I did not know better then.. like the phrase "if I only knew then what I know now..." so futile to think that way, leads to more resentment and anger because thats the thing.. you did not know then.. even though mentally and logically I should have known better... I was naive to the extent of what I was contributed to the sickness that was swirling around us. The simple things I have learned in al-anon may be no-brainers but to me... they were epiphanies.. really.. as they say, its a simple program for complicated people.. and that was me.. very complicated. Along with that complicated personality, however, came very positive attributes.. I am very passionate and spirited.. I think it is important for you to remember what there is about yourself that is just wonderful.. I am sure you are full of positive traits, as is every person in the world. You are very angry with hima nd yourself right now.. and feelings are natural.. just remember that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.. and I think the resentment you are holding to your soon to be ex AH is exactly what you are doing to yourself. HE lied.. HE stole.. HE manipulated... let that stuff be HIS to hold... and you can hold your head up and your daughter in your arms.. and be good to yourself and good to her. No one can take away from you the right to work on yourself and to make yourself happy and healthy.. That is all up to you and you are so worth it. I needed this post today.. thank you.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Thursday 12th of January 2012 12:06:29 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Thank you everyone for your ESH, words of wisdom, and support. I truly appreciate it. I've been attending f2f meetings, but I do not have a sponsor. I know that I need to get one. I'm going to a meeting tonight. There is woman there that I've been thinking I would ask to be my sponsor.
I am definitely in fierce protective mode since I have become a mom. But, these resentments are going to kill me if I don't address them.
Here is just a bit of perception change. Question. Do you hate him and yourself or do you hate the behaviors; his and yours. There's a difference and knowing the difference saved my ptuttie many times. I learned that when I was hating her, my alcoholic/addict wife and the addict wife before that I was also judging them harshly and that judgement reflected back on myself too. I wasn't a saint then and are not one now. When I learned to hate the behavior in myself I could change the only behavior I could...mine and that is where the program has worked as it is supposed to when I work it.
Never saw you as a hateful person...angry is what I can relate to. Hateful? I don't think so...Loving people get pretty squirrely when the love isn't returned. Normal, natural and inevitible without the program.
So sorry this is so hard and painful on you. Something that has helped me get readjusted is "Hate uses up all my good." It's a quote from a wonderful alanon sister. I love that because it reminds me that as long as I stay there I'm not really doing anything productive for me.
Please cut yourself some slack, you have a 2 month old baby and boy oh boy do those hormones run ragged for a long time after birth. I'm so glad that you are attending face to face meetings as often as you can. Feelings aren't facts and I fully get the anger, justified resentment as well as even the hate. All of that is not really who you are it just is how you feel and rightfully so even. The death of any dream is the death of a dream. It hurts a LOT.
Sending you love and support during this trying time. Be good to you and remember you are more than just the feelings you have in the moment.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hello Stopandchat - your post has been running its way through my mind over the last couple days - I keep wanting to reply to it and thinking exactly what it is I want to say. Sometimes, when my mood is down and I am not so strong, I can get pretty angry at my ex-ah. Angry at the game he played with my heart which is pretty broken right now - its been 15 months since we lived together and 5 months since our divorce and if I let myself go there, I can rant and rave pretty heavy on him. I NEVER would have given him a second sentence if he had shown the way he really wanted to be. It isn't all alcoholism related, he's got some pretty big chauvinistic attitudes towards women, and (here's part of my part in it) if I'd taken more time getting to know him and recognized the red flags when they happened, I wouldn't have ended up where I am today. Most of the time I realize that the anger is a wasted emotion because the person who needs to acknowledge the wrongs won't listen, just won't, he doesn't have to, can't make him, the harder you try to get through to him the more stubborn he becomes and the more he defends his right to be himself.
I have had long cyclic conversations with him while in my car alone. In them I try everything, every way I can think of to get him to really see my point of view and in the end I get to the point where I realize it just ain't gonna happen. And that brings me some measure of peace because I get the futility of trying.
When I think about it, it all can make me mad as h e double toothpicks - the lying and accusing me of lying, the cheating and accusing me of cheating, etc.
But what I know is this: no amount of anger is going to make him see my point of view. All the anger does is raise MY blood pressure, get my heart pounding, risk MY life if driving erratically because of it, you know? I am so so angry at the lies and cheating and belligerance, the hopes that were destroyed, the faith I had in him, the trust in love, the dreams of the future. To this day I STILL can close my eyes and feel how it used to feel to be with him in the "good" times - and every time he writes an email saying how much he misses his life with me it makes me want to pound on the keyboard about all the things he did to screw up HIS life and mine.
I remember watching the original "Walking Tall" with first ex, he LOVED the movie, I thought it was really stupid to keep fighting at all costs. The lead character's wife was killed because of his fight - was it worth it? All the anger does is hurt me, its not worth it. I need to function, I need to work to pay the bills, I need to interact with other people without them paying the price for my ex's sins. I need, and I am more important than the anger is. But I do understand where you are coming from.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
