The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, while my spouse and daughter were out, I called my parents. It's rare that I do that because my alcoholic mom can barely hear over the phone and she makes you repeat everything and she never wants a discussion she just wants to talk about her ailments. She drinks heavily every night and then feels like crap every morning - she always feels bad and can't seem to get clued in as to why. I've mostly detached myself from that but it still gets to me once in a while. I'm not perfect.
She answered the phone of course, and in the midst of her talking about her latest CT scan she blurted out "Well, I was surprised by your decision" - in a VERY short derogatory tone. She was referencing my trying to work things out with my spouse. I immediately felt my hackles go up and I could visualize that little girl getting that disapproval from her mother that she so desparately wanted attention from. When I tried to discuss why I made the decision she stopped me and said "I was just surprised - here's your father" and handed the phone to my dad.
Oh my did it open up so much for me - she has NEVER been there for me emotionally - why should I expect any different now. But it still hurts. It makes me so freaking angry. I then think awful thoughts about her. It is so very hard to feel love for her when I have received so very little from her.
She makes me want to SCREAM. I'm trying to let go... hand this over to my HP - but it is such a familiar feeling. When I need my mom she's not there - she never has been. Disease or not, I will never get it.
I remember those same Feelings With my Afather... He was My Reason for finding this Program after I Lost him to this Very Disease at 58 yrs old, and he was very much still in Denial the Day before his Death when we had our Normal... 'Dad When is enough ...Enough Talk!"
All I Ever Wanted when I was Younger was his Love & I feel I had to Work Sooo Hard to have it, and when he Past I found Al-Anon and when I did, I was Still so VERY Angry at him for going out the way he did... i was still Very Angry because of all the things that was thru at me as a Child because my Afather was Never around... Which left my Mom at Work support 3 kids and Me Babysitting 85% of My Childhood...
It was not till I Got Here, & Got Busy that I Can Now Say... My Afather did the Best he Could... When i Removed the Rose Colored Glasses of My OWN Expectation, I then Could see, that tho he Did have Faults... He too was Raised by Not one but TWO Alcoholic Parents... How could I Expect a Good Father, when He was Raised by the Disease that Would eventually Claim his life... My Agrandma is Now 87, Still Drinks In Excess, Still Drives, & Bounces Off Guard rails, and Tells Me Why!!!! The Excuses are Unbelieveable when you look at this 4foot Nothing Beautiful Little Soul... Yet, It is Not for Me to Judge...
When i Got Here there was Alot of things that Helped me Get back on Track, but the Biggest I Guess would have to be reading EVERYTHING I Could about the Disease of Alcohol & Understanind How it effects the Body, Mind & Spirit of Those Emersed in it... And in Doing so, I had to Except my Own part in it, for I Too am An Alcoholic... I Quit Drinkin Myself 2 Octobers ago, and Know I could have Never done it without the Love & Support I have Found Here & At My F2F Meetings...
You are At the Right Place... Keep Coming back & Sharing your Feelings along with your Experience, Strength & Hope, because as you are Trying to Heal Yourself, Your Inner Child, You are Openning the Door for So Many others that Are in the same place you are, to find the help they need as well...
So Glad your Here... Please Take what you like & Leave the Rest... Friends in Recovery...
I can relate with my mom too. All I can do is dettach, even my 13 year old asked while we were visiting her before Christmas if Granny liked her, I said I know that is how she is all walls. It is hard, but dettaching helps me to not take it personally. I am grateful that I have a better relationship with my girls. Sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hugs just wanted to send love and support, you've gotten great ESH.
Keep coming back and know feelings aren't facts. You survived a broken past and nothing in the world is going to rework it. You can however give yourself and find the support you so rightly deserve. Going to mom is no different than going to that hardware store for bread and it has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with the fact she lacks the ability to give emotionally to anyone. That was what I was able to really get about being powerless over people, places, things or the past. I was never going to fix my broken past. I am never going to remake my mom into what I deserve (what we all deserve as children). I had to let go of the expectation that she could give more. It's a lot easier now because I can listen to her and I know that it's just not about me. When I've had enough .. keeping the conversations to the issue at hand and I can always call back later or the next day. I think we all become that little child looking for that approval and the reality is it's never going to be good enough, right enough, perfect enough for them because it's a reflection of who they are and how they process things as well as the fact they have such guilt over their own perceived failures.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You're getting it Sis...the road to recovery gets smoother as it goes on. It won't always be this way as you practice the principles of the program. One for me when I was in similar circumstances was "Don't React!!"...yes a slogan given to me by my elder sponsor (Don.T). The slogan teaches me to put sometime...however long or short in between what shakes me and how I r e s p o n d to it. When I do it that way I am not reacting and can think before I just emotionally fritz out. I had a similar relationship with my parents which changed when I realized that the only difference twix me and them was age and gender depending on who I was interacting with. Also remembering where they came from and what they were dealing with kept the whole stage play human. After I learn some Al-Anon stuff the relationship became weirdly good. We were cool. Awareness, understanding and compassion really helps to level the playing field.
Keep coming back...give yourself (and them) time and do your program homework and don't forget to practice, practice, practice.
Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 13th of January 2012 12:47:42 AM
