I wanted to share with my MIP family what I posted in my journal today. This journal posting will give you some insight into what I've been struggling with lately. I might add that my ex-AH has been sober for 2 1/2 years with a relapse when we divorced and a period of sobriety before that of 3 years. He is not in AA, but works what he calls his own "program" which is basically going to church and praying, which seems to work for him. He does have some AA friends, and admits that if he picks up the drink again he knows that he will die. This is our story:

"You remembered that day you were telling yourself that there was no such thing as love. Why do I keep repeating the same mistake, I don't understand. Here I am standing at your door, looking all pathetic. I'm such a fool to fall for someone bad like you. I don't know, I really don't understand. No matter how bad you are, I keep coming back to you. "Hi, I'm Taec." You recalled it in your mind when that day you looked up to see the biggest and dorkiest grin you'd ever seen in your life. It was partly creepy because the toothy smile really didn't match his giant figure. But you also remembered that it was so bright and warm that for a mere second you forgot to breath. You remembered telling to yourself that one day, you'd like this person. You'd like his dorky smile and playful behavior that it'd be hard for you to refuse him, because you were a dork yourself. But there was always something in you that kept you uneasy. Sometimes your shoulders were too tense, sometimes you were too tired to smile, too serious for your own good. And just by seeing his stupid goofy smile all your frustration vanished and you knew everything was going to be alright."

~ Chronicle of Broken Taecsu ~

I tried the random journal reading today and this is what I found. It SO describes me and ex-AH. I don't know what keeps drawing us back to each other. But back to each other we are drawn. I keep thinking "this is it" we are done now. And then it happens again. I don't understand. What is happening to us? Do I just need to stop loving him? Is that even possible?

I have decided to not date anyone for awhile. I am just going to sit back and wait and see what God does. I don't know if this is meant to be or not, but one thing I do know... I do not love ex-fiance, I can not move on when I'm still in love with ex-AH. He loves me this I know, but I guess he is still wanting me to "prove" that I love him through my actions. Well ex-AH, I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me. I have to know that we are done, before I move on. I am not going to hurt anyone else. In fact, I probably already have. I told new bf everything that is going on now, he says he'll give me a 'little' time, but I'm sure he will move on. I want him to move on, because if he stays he'll just get hurt like ex-fiance did. I don't ever want to do that to another human being again.

I guess I will just have to decide if I even can move on, if ex-AH decides he is done. Each time he says "I'm done." I believe him. It's almost like the alcoholic saying "I won't drink anymore," you believe him (that he won't drink anymore) and then he drinks again. The irony of this situation is the drunk believes he won't drink again either, but then he always does. Is that what is going on with ex-AH and I? Are we each other's drink of choice?

 Overcome