The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My spouse has a compulsive spending issue. He doesn't see it, or doesn't want to. I know I cannot change him and he has to want to change or see it as a problem. I see so many signs similar to that of an A. There's always a reason, it's always somebody elses fault, it could have been worse, but I'm still putting our child first, why does this happen to me, it's because of you, etc etc etc.
Before we met he filed for bankruptcy (divorce and minimal income). Since we've been together he has increased his earnings substantially and obtained a Masters Degree all to assist that - so he does work and he makes good money. But the signs are all there - borrowed against his 401k to pay of debts he accrued, cashed in IRA's to pay off debt again later, every tax return goes to paying off debt, any bonus he gets he pays off debt he accrued on his credit. He's again run it way up. Don't get me wrong, I use my credit card but I have almost nothing on it. I'm not bashing him - I used to - it's just a pattern that shows there is a problem.
Do I not say anything because it is his problem and just set boundaries that I can live with or do I at least acknowledge that I am concerned? I know this is similar to how one should deal with an alcoholic. I'm just not sure what to do. I know he has to want to change.
His father died when he was young and his mom set little boundaries after that trying to provide for him and make him happy. He rarely heard no. He also worked and made his own money too... so it's sort of like a functional alcoholic. He has the skills to do the right thing and manages it enough to make it look like it's not a problem. Very similar to my mom the functional alcoholic. Most people would never even know she drinks heavily every night but is functional most days like she's never had a drop.
I have known several people like this. In fact I have been married to some of them. I'm sure you're right that trying to control it is like trying to control the wind. For me, I have a hard time keeping quiet about things, so I would say something (calmly) like, "I'm really worried about finances. I'm worried that even after declaring bankruptcy, you still carry huge debt and [whatever the situation is]. I'm worried that you're not saving enough for retirement and that you won't have enough when an emergency happens." Then I'd just leave it. Because that's all we can do: state our truth and step back.
It's important to protect ourselves, though. I had the good fortune not to live in a community property state. I kept all my assets separate. I would hate to die and have him inherit my savings and they would be sucked up by his debt and compulsive spending instead of going to support our child. That's a nightmare scenario. I hope you've protected yourself too.
It's interesting how all the addictions and compulsions are just variants of each other. And good that our own recovery works for all of them. Hugs.
