During my meditation this morning I drifted back a few years…okay…A LOT of years…lol

I had a friend in High School that was also known as a bully.  She lived two doors down from my house, so we hung out.  She had what I would call a love/hate relationship with me.  There were weeks that she couldn’t stand me and the word would get around that she wanted to pick a fight with me.  The reason I was told was jealousy.  That confused the heck out of me at the time because I couldn’t imagine why I had any reason for someone to be jealous of me.  We lived in the same lower middle-class neighborhood.  We both had dysfunctional families with a big capital “D.”  So when she didn’t call or come around I just left her alone, especially if the fight rumor got around to me.  Then there were weeks that she would do nothing but be a good friend.  But I continued the roller coaster friendship with her, because in truth, I did like her when she was able to just be a good friend. 

The day finally came outside the High School cafeteria that I was confronted to fight her.   She had a small posse of friends behind her; I had no one but the whispering crowd that started to circle around us as she was spewing off threats.  When confronted with an angry lion, what do you do?  Stay perfectly still? Run? Fight?  None of the above seemed liked good options at that moment.   As my mind is racing trying to figure out what to do, she shoves me and I was pushed backward a step and my book bag fell to the floor from my arm.  I stood there for a few seconds not doing anything but looking down at the ground, scared to death.  I did not want to fight her; ‘this is SO stupid,’ I thought in those moments, 'God this is SO stupid!'  Then, I felt this indescribable rush of calm and indestructible Hulk strength at the same time.  I lifted my head and locked my eyes with hers, I stretched my arms out to either side of me like Jesus on the cross and softly said, “Betty Jo, if it’s going to make you feel any better about yourself to hit me, then go ahead and hit me.”  Did I just say that??? Am I crazy??? OH CRAP!  Too late now…

Suddenly the gathered crowd was dead silent.  You could have heard a pin drop. Everyone was just waiting for the next move.  “Come on Betty Jo, if it’s really going to make you feel better, just do it,” I said again.  I didn’t scream those words, I didn’t get ‘into her face’ to say them.  I said them as if we were having a normal, friendly conversation, but I still kept my arms out to either side, showing her that she can do whatever she wants to me right now, her choice.  Then she said, “Come on guys, she’s not f***ing worth it.  Stupid b**ch isn’t going to fight back.”  With that she and her posse turned around to leave, the crowd dissipated, and I was still standing there, alone, in shock that nothing happened, my stomach feeling twisted in a thousand sickening knots. It was really over, I’m okay.  Surreal.  Did that just work?  I didn’t actually “stay still” because I did assume a different position and spoke to her, I didn’t run, and I didn’t fight either?   What made that angry lion leave?

I’m sharing this story from my own morning thoughts because I never really did figure out or gave it any more thought as to why she left at that moment, I was just glad that she did!  The one thing I have learned in recovery is that my HP speaks to me in so many ways.  I have “trained” myself to pay attention to even the slightest message, whether it is a song on the radio, a reading from a book, something I observe between the communications of two people standing in the checkout line at a grocery store.  Each day is a new day of “listening” and I try not to let anything get by me, so to speak.  My HP has been talking to me all along but over the years after my childhood, I trained myself not to listen, not to feel.  I had to learn all over again to recognize His voice.  At the time of my confrontation with Betty Jo I did not recognize it as a Let go-Let God moment, but it was.  I did not recognize that the Guiding Voice that “took over” at that moment was my HP, but it was.  

Today I am reminded of the peace I give myself, and the peace I can live with in every breath I take when I put my HP in the driver seat and "listen" for His messages and His will, knowing that no matter what I am confronted with, I’m going to be just fine, He will guide me.

Thanks for letting me share…

Live to Love and Love to Live,

Satori