The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These three subjects seem to be all merging together for me today .. I recognised this week that keeping my feelings in and not sharing on them makes them poisonous Secrets and that we are As as in equally as sick as our secrets .. My feelings through the years have literally been hurt not as in boohoo feel sorry for me but as in literally hurt, harmed, damaged, etc.. I also recognised I've never had compassion on the alcoholics because I never had compassion on me; I never allowed myself to talk about how I felt growing up .. it wasn't really allowed; noone said this but the action and Secret message was certainly there .. Today I am recognising that for the first time I am having compassion on Me .. allowing myself to just be .. where I am in my past as it surfaces Today .. One day at a time . If God is showing me what I need to share, then that is where I am because afterall My recovery is my own ..
Last night, however, or a little before I had another awareness .. For years in alanon I have thought of the line that Reads: When my husband and I got married, we became one, we became Him .. I always said that line was written for me .. So enmeshed and focused on Him there was no me .. Today what I'm recognising is that I never became one with Him .. we were Never one on anything .. opinions, ideals, values, beliefs, enjoyments, etc .. or agreements on where we go .. However, I was one with his disease and his Feelings .. My feelings .. Our feelings combined, etc.. Later I see how I've Always tried to connect to people through our feelings, etc.. family included .. No wonder it's been So hard to let go of feelings .. If I lose those connections what have I got ?? Nothing .. So letting go for me has subconsciously been the same as letting go of the people which i have Never been willing to do (if that reads sense) ..
Today I also see how I connect Even to my children through feelings and that scares me ... I am sometimes Enmeshed with my youngest's feelings and what she is going through in school .. I know I can't fix it but I can't help Feeling So much guilt for not walking away from my x so much sooner .. She has Certainly Felt the Affects of this disease .. Everytime she Felt our tension anger fear arguments, confusion, etc.. I was So powerless "Over" so much for so long and it took me So long to even Begin to see it ..
I'm not sure what I'm asking for today but esh is So desperately needed and welcomed into the area of parenting .. any area really ..
My daughter has 2 girls from school who have Always left her out of playtime and I can't get her to change Any of her own behavior that would help her to Feel better through the situation .. She isn't assertive and she becomes this welcome matt .. the Guilt in me ?? when i stayed in this last relationship I was really showing her Learned Helplessness .. the focus was so on him that now i'm really Feeling the affects of how that must have affected her .. I even hate sharing this but it is what it is .. My willingness to go to any length to get my recovery which someday I hope !! will pass to my children on a deeper level .. No ideas what to do .. so if anyone would could .. Please share .. Thanks so much !!
This is a great share. I relate so much to being one with my exAH and it took me a year to find myself and who I was. I than had to unmesh from my oldest daughter and let her figure out her own friendships without my judgements. She was a timid and scared girl a year and a half ago when I left her dad, she is now almost 14 years old and blooming like crazy. Straight A's and the only 8th grader in her school taking high school college credit classes. She sings at Church and plays guitar and plays basketball. She has come out of herself the healthier I get the healthier she gets. I had gotten her some Al-ateen books awhile back and she journals a lot. I have backed off and let her figure things out and honestly it was the best thing I could do. She is a great sister and daughter. I am proud of her and because I got out of her dads way than out of hers we are all headed in the right direction. Things still get hard at times, but we talk through it without me trying to steer or control her life. It is hard and as I let go of guilt and look at atleast I got away from the exAH's house before my children were grown. They now know a relaxed and cheerful environment and are able to grow and be who they are.
Keep working your program, you are on the right track! Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Just wanted to say great post! I believe im in your same boat in alot of ways... I only wish I could give you some great ESH but I too have the same feelings and questions you do.. Im looking forward to see your responces..
Circumstances do not define us as children .. oh sure they can and they can certainly have an impact. It's more important to have tools to help our children process what we couldn't. Maybe we didn't have those tools when they were born .. kids are totally resilient. It truly is how we cope with our adversities. The tools to process emotions, to verbalize how we feel, teaching (and learning) self esteem, all of those things can be taught at any age. There are some things I'm learning just now .. I'm grateful for the simple fact that as I learn them so will my children.
Can't fix my own broken past, whatever I've messed up with as far as my own children go, I have to make amends .. there is no time machine to fix what is past.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks to all of you .. I just got back on here now .. Grr i miss this site so much when I lose my connection to the net .. I don't always get on here so my shares seem to be in spurts ..
The one thing that jumped out at me is the line .. " There are some things I'm learning just now .. I always hear that after a certain age, the forming years are done as if children are then who they are and can't change etc.. But in truth .. i'm how old .. and I'm Still learning today .. so thank you .. i needed the hope .. Still .. There's the little voice inside that says but really ?? I can hardly wait til my daughter is 13 and able to attend alateen up here .. breaking it's good to read your story .. It also jumped out at me that if i try to steer her, i will steer her to where I know which I don't really want to do either ..
I have only just begun to share in f2f on my parenting so I have some tools to gain still .. I have the general tools in that I recognise the focus would be better served kept on her .. in other words that she may not be able to change her situation but she can find her voice and feel better walking through it .. build her own self esteem up, dignity, courage, etc .. the problem is that I myself cannot get her to assert herself .. she just doesn't seem to be there yet .. she does however attend family therapy with me to work through some of the feelings of her dad leaving, etc.. she did also say last time that if i had somewhere to go i could go .. sigh .. the good thing in that is before the appointment i couldn't get her to stay without me .. then she couldn't wait to get rid of me so ... she felt comfortable with the therapist .. well i'm keeping my fingers crossed because yesterday she came home Again saying the little girl continued to kick her out of the playtime and i had been fried from my day and called the teacher immediately .. we spoke and we will again but then i don't want to look like the loonatic mom who tries to fix all her daughters problems either .. i could expand so much on this but i'm tired tonight .. best i can do .. except all these teacher comments about talking to the kids about niceness .. if we know who the source is and who is continuously causing the problems, why isn't there direct communication to this One girl .. why sidestep it .. makes me so literally mad .. (( hugs & serenity ))
