The material presented
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so i have mentally prepared myself that relationship is over. I am trying to come face the music and accept the truth of what we had and what we did not have.
My answer should be obvious but how do i let him know i am done. Every single Tuesday I go visit him and tomorrow is visiting day. I wanted closure by going and visiting him and telling him. But is that wise? Should I write him a letter or not go at all. I am afraid to go cold turkey because my analytical mind will go crazy to think what will he think if I dont show up. If he calls me cursing me because I wasnt there. I think I have the courage to it face to face.
I went to a CoDa meeting today but arrived late due to work. I got a little shy so i didnt go in. I got all the info and meeting times but how do I find a sponsor????
Facing the truth instead of the "potential" is a big step.
I hope you can find a good meeting soon. They say to try six different ones because they're all different. To get a sponsor, you just look for someone who seems as if she has the serenity you'd like, and ask her if she's available to sponsor you. Some people won't be able to (already too many commitments, or whatever), so if the first person doesn't work out, don't feel discouraged.
I think when we try to change our lives, it helps to have a lot of support systems at the ready. Addicts can be very manipulative, especially when they're worried that they're going to lose an advantage. They can use anger to manipulate us and try to make us feel guilty. Also sorrow ("No one has ever stuck by me"), threats of suicide ("If I die it will be your fault"), threats of violence ("You'll pay for this"), insults ("You never were ... you're so mixed up you'd be lucky to get anyone" etc.), other threats ("I'll go to so-and-so, she'll understand me," "You'll come crawling back"), pleas ("You've always been the only one for me, you're the thing that makes my life worth living..."). And all the rest. I've believed most of them in my day. It helps to remember that "What other people think of you is none of your business" (it doesn't matter if he's mad, if he thinks you're the worst woman on earth, if he thinks you lied and cheated, whatever -- his opinion of you is irrelevant). It always helped me to have things ready to say ("Okay. I have to go now.")
How best to go about it, you're in the best position to know. For me, I'd be wary of being in person with him because it's hard to get away fast (unlike hanging up the phone), and I might waver and go back on my decision. I went back on my decision about twenty times. It was painful after I split up from my A, no question. The final time I did it, I thought, "If I'd only carried this through the first time, I would have been long over the pain by now."
Mattie has given you some very wise words and I can't add much except to say remember this is about you, your needs and wants.
Ive learned to keep everything in 'I' rather than 'you' (i.e stabbing the finger at someone) statements.
Everything you say should reflect what you need for your own recovery, you can say what you mean with loving detachment and you don't need to 'J.A.D.E' (justify, argue, defend or explain)
You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to!
Only you know if a letter or a face to face meeting is best, look after your own serenity in any decision you make.
Remember, 'what other people think of you is none of your business'
I hope you will pursue finding a sponsor and continue with Al-anon......it does work......if we work it
Sit quietly, with no distractions, focus on you, tell yourself what you need for you......then tell him.
Just because someone curses at you, calls you names, tries to convince you that you are wrong...crazy... It does not mean you have to believe it or give it credence. You have had time to get some perspective on this relationship and you have come to the rational conclusion that he is not good for you. Hence, it doesn't matter what he says. I understand the pull of people pleasing and the awful sting of disapproval even when it comes from someone who objectively has treated me like crap. I understand that and I know that it comes from childhood inferiority baggage I have been carrying around all my life. I have gotten a bit stronger by knowing that, learning to take a step back and answering to the thoughts in my head that actually believe some of the BS that people who are abusive, who are jerks, or whom I don't even care about say to me.
While it will be very hard for you cuz it is against your natural tendency - You might have to literally repeat to yourself a milliion times "who cares what he thinks" and "it doesn't matter what he thinks" even though your heart is telling you different. Be strong. Change is difficult...if this was easy, you would have done it a long time ago. But, you are doing it now so keep putting one foot in front of the other and be good to yourself.
I made this same decision with my AH husband in December. We are, however, still living together until February until he moves out. And every day I go home with butterflies in my stomach, feeling nauseous, because I don't know whether he'll be in an accepting mood, a confrontational mood, or if he'll be drunk or high. And I hate it. Nothing he can do or say can change my decision now that it is made (and making the decision and telling him was very, very hard), and I tell myself that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter any more, but my body seems to have a mind of its own, and being around him makes me almost physically sick sometimes, with nervousness, with the desire to be away, etc. I'm telling you this because I think this is just part of the process. It feels horrible, and there is no way around it feeling horrible. But the more important point is if you know you are doing the right thing for yourself, you can get through the horrible. I am getting through the horrible, day by day. I had to run away and hide one night, and slept in the cold and the dark with my dog, and I hated it, and I was scared, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel once you have made the decision and told him! It will end. You will be free of all the addictive person mind games. So I hope you can go into the experience - however you decide to do it - knowing that the horrible part is necessary, you have to go through to get over - but then you are on the clear road to freedom. You have freed yourself. To me, that feeling is worth just about everything.
