The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has been in an outpatient treatment program for a few weeks now. It has required me to make a lot of sacrifices related to taking care of the kids--things like having to leave the office at odd hours to pick up the kids from pre-school, being out of the office for longer than I should be, coming in late, going home early, etc. I have been more than happy to do it as I know how important this program is for my wife.
Today was one of the days she attended her outpatient program and I had to pick up the kids from school. Usually this means I'm out of the office for 90 minutes or so. Not ideal but my employer is understanding. Today, however, my wife was late getting back from the treatment facility. When she did get home, I noticed she had a grocery bag. She had stopped at the supermarket to pick up some things, even though we had done a full shop just this past weekend and we didn't need anything. Anyway, long story short, this meant I was out of the office for over 2 hours as she was home about a half hour later than usual.
I was furious, and found myself full of rage on the car ride back to the office. I've had a number of Al Anon sayings and thoughts creep into my head this afternoon at work, but the most prominent is "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
I don't feel "good", but the rage and anger is gone. There's a little voice inside of me that is screaming out "she did you wrong! Do something about it!". But I'm not listening to it.
I think the biggest challenge of MY disease... this obnoxious, irrational Al-Anonism... is coming to a place of acceptance and just letting go of feeling like I have to fight and defend my honor all the time. Why on earth did I ever determine I have to get into a wrestling match with every little thing that doesn't go the way I want it to? I forget, sometimes, that HP has things in control and if I'd stop flying off the handle at every little thing, I'd live a much more peaceful life.
There's a saying that always puts my outrage on pause and always gives me something to chew on: "There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so." That says clearly to me that I'm the creator of my misery and I have equal power to create my happiness, too, if I'd change my thinking.
That always gives me pause and really has me asking myself that other question... "How important is it?" meaning... is this situation SO important that it is worth disrupting my serenity and making a conscious decision to get upset, angry and stressed?
I've been practicing a lot of detachment over the last year, and it really is an amazing tool to use to re-establish my happiness.
Good for you in doing the difficult thing... changing... instead of listening to that voice, you're changing the dance and doing something different.
I really try and focus on THINK (is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind) if not I probably need to wait to say something or maybe I choose not to say anything.
The fact you chose to do something different speaks highly of your own program of recovery and what your serenity means to you.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Usetobe...It was ESH from the program and my sponsor like Aloha shared that eventually brought me around. When I was stuck in "self" I was a goner and so easily had by my alcoholic/addict spouse and everyone else who wasn't tiptoeing and walking on egg shells around me. I am not the axis of the universe and that was a long and hard lesson to learn. "It's life on life's terms" not on Jerry F's terms any longer. When I am so tightly held that I don't offer the alcoholic and the world grace and margin I will be the one to cause my own suffering.
You done a good Serenity Prayer walk. Pat yourself on the back and practice letting go and letting God and gratitude.
There are so many ways they show their lack of awareness.
I find myself wondering if the store she went to sells alcohol. I'm hoping you have a Plan B in place, in case of a relapse. Not to say that this is the case. It's just what would have led my ex to stop off at the grocery store.
Hope you can keep on taking good care of yourself.
When I am feeling that anger/resentment, I repeat what I read everyday in the "just for today" bookmark I got in my newcomer's packet.. . "Just for today, I will adjust myselft to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it". Hope this helps and sending you support and understanding!
I understand the strain you feel at the office, even if the boss appears to be understanding.
If taking this much time is going to jeopardize your chance for advancement or job security then I believe that the feelings that you are experiencing may just be a cautious red flag warning to review this situation and consider alternate child care.
Your program is awesome and you are working hard -pray on this and trust HP to lead the way.
Thanks everyone. Really a great day and a real sense of progress now that I can sit back and reflect. A hard experience to go through but hopefully next time will be easier as a result. Mattie, I hear what you are saying and that happened in the past for sure. But I must give credit where it is due: my wife is kicking butt in her treatment and was stone cold sober all day!
I also wanted to add that it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job as a father! I think your wife and children are lucky to have you. All the best to your entire family.
beautiful!!! I think it is okay to say it to her once if you chose to just so she knows it urked you.. once again, "say what you mean, what you say, don't say it mean." I love the serenity prayer and I say it all the time. I also say to my HP "I pray for your will... whatever happens, happens, with You, I can handle it." :)
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
