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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dirty Water
Post Info TOPIC: Dirty Water
rehprof


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Dirty Water
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Back story: separated for over a year from AH, currently divorcing. Dated a guy for 6 mos and that's been over for 6 weeks..and it hurt.

Living with an AH for almost thirty years, I am realizing that I am starved for attention and affection. So, when I dated this guy I clung to what little he could give me, and was devastated when it ended.

In hindsight, I am seeing the relationship was better in the fantasy world in my head than it was in reality. I was seeing potential not reality. I am also realizing that though I am petrified of being alone, being married to an A is a profoundly lonely experience...so in reality I have been alone for a long time.

My counselor used a dirty water metaphor that helped me...he said: you have been in a desert...and when you are dying of thirst (e.g. starving for love and affection) even DIRTY WATER (e.g., emotionally unavailable men) tastes good.

However, dirty water will make me VERY SICK over time.

I need to hold out for the cool, clean water of a healthy relationship.

Here's to sparkling, clean water!

K.



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Pushka


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Hugs,

Great metaphor!!! As well as awareness!!!

I know for me too is I've said this before is there is a reason as much as I say I want emotional availability in a relationship, I have to come to terms why I am emotionally unavailable as well. There is no accident that I have continued to pick emotionally unavailable men in my life. I'm really starting to see safety is a big issue for me.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
MelB


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I understand where your coming from. I'm still with my ABF but for a little while during our relationship we separated. I thought I could date someone else and see how much better my life would be. The problem is that I'm co-dependent and being co-dependent makes it hard for me to be with someone "healthy." I'm always picking the men that I believe need to change. The broken ones. They seem great a first but the truth is that the grass isn't greener and I am consumed with the bad parts of any relationship I'm in. I'm not healthy, I have learned that I need to work on ME! No relationship is going to work if I'm sick. I'm also obsessed with the fantasy! I can't help but what this romantic movie kind of love.
Anyway, your post reminded me that I need to work on myself before I will see anything positive come out of anything I'm doing. I will keep you in my prayers and thanks so much for sharing.
((Hugs))

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Melanie Brostek
never going back


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I love the 'dirty water' metaphor, it can apply to so many things. Thanks for sharing, and I hope your next drink IS sparkling clean!

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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
likemyheart


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I like the dirty water metaphor - what also strikes me about your post is there are so many who are "petrified of being alone". Seems to me if we work on THAT issue, then we won't mind turning down the unacceptable prospects because we don't mind, embrace, or love, being alone.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Debilyn


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His analogy is a good one.

But the other side is, if you worked on you, got strong,learned to nurture yourself, found out you don't have to be lonely when you are alone, you will not be so thirsty to have to drink dirty water.

You won't cling, you will stand by his side. You won't be waiting for anyone or anything. Being busy and happy in your growth and interests, you will be more interesting.

As u are going on in your life, someone will come along, and you will make good choices. One cannot still be starving and petrified of being alone and have a good relationship.

Hey I used to beg for the phone to ring! I know how you feel. Over a few years I changed by going back to college, and working full time with sp. ed kids.

been living with self more than ever living with anyone else. Its not what I really choose, but that is how it is. I chose very well. But was ignorant to what addiction was. When he lost his mind, and was the opposite of who I met, it ended.

Anyway working on me made a huge difference in my life!

love,debilyn



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Michelle814


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I have learned to love and cherish my alone time. I am grateful for that. Thanks for sharing, love that dirty water metephor and though I was never in an abusive relationship per se I did crave that attention love and affection rather than love myself and cherish my space. Now I have my time filled up with al-anon, reading, writing, walking, learning guitar, painting, music, meditation, prayer, and cleaning the house.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
rrib


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Great post! Thanks!



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Mattie


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I could have written your message myself -- but the dirty water analogy I hadn't heard.  That's really valuable.  And it really will make us sick over time.  Thank you.



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Breakingfree


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I love the analogy! I jumped from my husband to dating another guy so as not to be alone and neither relationship was good for me. I now see the value in spending the alone time and getting healthy within myself so I don't repeat this cycle any longer. Great post!

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