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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Sick and tired of being sick and tired! but this is my breakthrough!
Post Info TOPIC: Sick and tired of being sick and tired! but this is my breakthrough!
Julie3310


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Sick and tired of being sick and tired! but this is my breakthrough!
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DISCLAIMER: Every single one of you have given me strength and support in your own way. Your stories have provided me with the strength to use it in my own battle. however, I want you guys to know that I write my stories with him to vent and just to get an outside prospective to get opinions to see if this is wrong or not. The more I hear your stories and the more I speak to him it hits head on as to how wrong he speaks to me and how much he does not love me. It is all a game to him. What he did this morning has shown me his head is messed up and I am not a girlfriend, I am his to do list and he lies to me about her.


THE RUDE AWAKENING THIS MORNING!!!


This morning was our last phone call. No more minutes on the phone and he called me 8:00 am this morning and I was asleep. We spoke happy and just saying he missed me etc. He asked me as always what did i do last night. (he probably thinks otherwise as always) but he didnt say anything slick, like yea right! I know u were on a date.

Than all of a sudden, he says u dont understand whats going on, nevermind im not gonna mention it. So i was like go ahead say it. He said its my baby mama. She wrote me a latter saying she is speaking to an investigator and that she might show up to court if she finds out who is visiting me and if she finds out I was visiting him it will make it worse for him. I was like 'xxx'!!!!!! 'xxx'!!! is going on. I know he is talking to her. I said I thought she had minutes on your phone, i know your speaking to her. He was saying no she canceled the minutes, blah blah. In my head I knew it was BS. because why would she care who visits him if she is moving away with their child and wanting him to go to prison. Its like if she cant have him, she wants to see him suffer. So I was like (playing like I didnt care) I can't come visit you???? He was like I DONT CARE ABOUT HER, IM DONE. I WANT YOU TO COME, ETC, ETC.

NEXT SUBJECT: PUTTING MONEY FOR HIS SNACK PACK.

I told him last week I wasnt sure if i could do it, my check isnt for a lot this week and of course from losing tons of money from him im trying to save up. My check was actually good but i didnt want him to know. I told him i dont think i can today. I have to check my balance etc. HE BLEW UP!!!!

COME ON! I NEED FOOD. YOUR JUST LIKE MY FAMILY YOU DONT CARE TO SEE HOW IM DOING IN HERE. WHAT KIND OF GIRLFRIEND ARE YOU. EVERYONES GIRLFRIEND IN HERE IS GETTING STUFF AND PUTTING MONEY ON FOR THEM. IM ABOUT TO GO CRAZY!!!! AND FLIP ON SOMEONE IN HERE AND GO INTO THE PSYCH/SUICIDE WATCH!!!

I WAS LIKE "YEA RIGHT" YOUR ALL TALK"

HE SAID THE WORST THING.......HE SAID "ILL JUST CALL MY BABY MAMA AND ASK HER TO PUT MONEY THAN!!!!"

I WAS LIKE OMG THIS ISNT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. HE IS NOT PLAYING GAMES WITH ME SAYING SHE IS GONNA DO THIS TO HIM, AND THAN ASK HER FOR MONEY. THAT MADE ME AUTOMATICALLY THINK HE IS TALKING TO HER AND TELLING HER HE WANTS TO WORK IT OUT AND IM PROBABLY OUT OF HIS LIFE. ETC, ETC I COULD ONLY IMAGINE.

HE KEPT ASKING ARE YOU GONNA PUT? ARE YOU GONNA PUT? SO I WAS LIKE FINALLY YES! TO SHUT HIM UP.

SO THAN HE ASKED CAN YOU PUT MINUTES ON MY PHONE????

THIS HAS JUST SHOWED ME HOW MUCH HE ISNT GOING TO CHANGE. AFTER WAKING UP AND REALIZING HOW HE LIED AND SPOKE TO ME ON OUR LAST CALL JUST MAKES ME LET GO EVEN MORE. IT HURTS EVEN MORE. BUT ITS SAD BECAUSE THE MORE HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHE WILL BE THERE IF I LEAVE, MAKES ME AFRAID TO LEAVE. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE HE LOVES HER AND DOESNT LOVE ME. OR AT LEAST CARES FOR HER MORE THAN ME.

HE TRIED TO BE SWEET AFTER THAT SAYING I LOVE YOU. IM SORRY IM JUST TIRED OF BEING IN HERE, IM FACING PRISON POINTS, I HOPE YOU CAN STICK BY MY SIDE THE WHOLE WAY.


I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. BUT WHY IS IT THE MORE HARDER IT IS AND THE MORE I WANT TO LEAVE AND SEE THE TRUTH, IT DRAWS ME IN MORE????? HE IS A SPOILED BRAT. 30 YRS OLD WORRIED ABOUT POP TARTS AND COOKIES.

THE WORST PART IS THAT HE DOESNT SEE THE LITTLE COMMENTS HE MAKES TO GET HIMSELF CAUGHT IN HIS LIES.

I AM AFRAID THAT HE WILL NOT CARE AT ALL IF I LEAVE HIM, BECAUSE SINCE SHE WANTS HIM, SHE DOESNT KNOW WHAT ENABLING IS, SHE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM AND TAKE HIM BACK.

 

 

To update this post, he wrote me a sweet letter and poem from jail and i just got it today after he said this. more manipulation tactics i guess



-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 8th of January 2012 08:48:19 PM

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Jerry F


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Aloha Julie...that post reminds me of the "Merry-Go-Round" lessons in early recovery.  I also went round and round and round with my alcoholic addict with all kinds of control and manipulations coming at me from all angles and levels and stuff.  It was like being on a Merry-Go-Round sitting on the horse going up and down round and round fast and faster with that sick tinny music playing all the time.  It made me want to throw up until my sponsor asked me to picture myself on the ride...sick of it...nauseous and feeling like it would never stop and then I was told to picture yelling at the operator "Stop...STOP THIS RIDE!!" and the operator did and asked me if I was okay and I turned to him and said...NO!! I'm sick of it and I'm getting off and not ever am I going to come back on it".  I haven't ridden the Merry-Go-Round since.   You too can get off anytime you want...get off and walk away from the circus.

Picture that in your mind.  Picture yourself getting off of the ride.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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Julie3310


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That is a great analogy! I think for my ride I keep telling myself "Dont get sick, hold it in, it will be fun again, the horsey will be more fun this time around" Than one more circle the lights shut off or the music messes up and than the next circle it is good.

when in reality I should be on a bigger and better ride because merry go rounds are for kids, (especially a 30 yr old addict asking for cookies like a little boy) and I am the bad "MOMMY" for not giving it too him.

He uses my jealously towards his baby mama to make me do stuff, he thinks by saying bad stuff about her and than saying he will turn to her will make me drop everything I am doing to make sure he doesnt go back to her.

I was speaking in the chat room and it hit me even more. Why I am jealous of her abuse and their horrible relationship. I feel like he does love her more since they have a child. I think he regrets being with me and leaving her because of the actions he did to ruin everything between his family, her and myself.

I LOVE his potential and what he tells me it could be between us. SAD is that nobody thinks he will change besides me.

she wants to keep him in jail or prison if she cant have him and she def. doesnt want him to be with me. I am trying to get healthy but trying to make a healthy relationship out of us. It will never be that way.


I wish the words in his letter were the truth. Its all about him at the end of the day. I'd rather remove myself and have my own healing pain than to continue to throw my life away.

i just get the fear that the day I leave is the day he will change. :(

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Debilyn


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hi julie, I can tell you from my experience, they are at their manupulating worst when they are in prison and jail.

yea I got the love letters too. visited him, made sure he had money. He was my husband. dui of course.

all the we made it before we can now. I had fought to get over him. only went as a friend. Then made the stupid decision to try again.

He gets out, walks to this woman of ill repukes apt and has been there for years now. does not contact me. said he lost my number. called my friend who would not give it to him.

then years later he goes to prison. ,dui again. I decided to visit him and see if he was different if he was not using. OH he played a nice game. But he showed his true colors one time and I was outa there. WEnt home, got the divorce, changed my name back and have not spoken since.

He is very sick but keeps going, but I religiously pay the life insurance before anything else. Yea the disease took everything.

Be glad you are seeing his true sick colors. The disease is strong in him.

I invite you to go to meetings come here, pm us. Read literature. ONE day at a time. I figured out even more what I wanted and lived away from him. I mean I made my own life. It took me a few years but I am totally away from him I even sold his pick up so I would not have to look at it and I love and miss the pic up!! not him though.

What do you want? I mean besides a mate? How can you make you and your life better? I am telling you to get ourselves happy on our own, then meet new possible mates is the only way to go!

hugs hugs, debilyn



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pinkchip


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I posted my response on your last thread....

Again, I think you are at a turning point here. It is often when they are away in jail or rehab that it becomes more clear how much of a user and manipulator the person is.

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Julie3310


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I am at a turning point but it sucks when i ignore the things that matter. his comments and not caring about my well being or how im doing. not caring that our last phone call was only about him and her. i sometimes dont wish him the best. i sometimes wish he would be locked up forever.

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Mattie


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It's okay not to wish him the best.  Sometimes our anger is there to protect us and remind us to keep our distance.

It sounds to me as if he mentions this other girl whenever he wants to get you to do something.  The thing is, whatever his feelings toward her, they are what they are.  (My guess is that he uses her as he uses everyone, because addicts and alcoholics are not capable of healthy relationships while they're in their addiction.)  But if you did get free of him and he went back to her -- well, poor her -- but apart from that, all it would mean is that you got yourself out of a destructive situation and you're free to work on your own recovery and ultimately find someone who's respectful and not manipulative.  I can hear that every time he threatens to end up with her, your emotions are very strong, and your emotions urge you to do whatever you can to keep him with you so you don't have to have those feelings.  And so his threat works and he keeps using it.  It sure is a Merry-go-round, how they use these things. 

I hope you'll take good care of yourself in the way that only you can.



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GreenerGrass


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Oh my goodness! I am so glad you see through all this guys B. S! People who try to play mind games really aren't that smart because they underestimate the intelligence of those they are trying to fool. You don't need this guy in your life. You don't need anyone in your life who is in jail. Sorry if that sounds snobbish, but if you follow the rules of society, then why would you associate with someone who doesn't? That's my boundary anyway. If and when my husband gets a DUI, it will be splitsville! There are good guys out there, I hope one finds you someday!

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kris10


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Wow sounds just like my sons father... Took me 6 years to get away from him and since we have a child together I still have to talk to him once in a while... Be thankful you arent her!! If you decide to do so you can have a clean break with no child in the middle... Just wanted to let you know that no matter how bad he will try to make you feel, IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSABILITY TO GIVE HIM MONEY FOR ANYTHING... Your money you earned... His own fault he is in jail not yours... And NO not everyone sends money to people in jail... Actually I think fewer people get money sent in for them than people that dont... Take this time to relax!! Go out with some more friends!! Save that money you would be sending him and get a messege for yourself!!! Or something YOU have been wanting!!! You deserve it!! And NO THIS IS NOT SELFISH!!!

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Kristen

pinksurvivor


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I waited 7 years for mine whle he was in jail.  During that time, I saw a lot and I saw a lot of women being manipulated by the incarcerated men. For me, it was the biggest waste of time ever.

Listen carefully to the things he says to you...  read between the lines.

Even if she does get him, what is she really getting?  He will be no better for her then he was to you.   He is not going to change for anyone.

Potential-that's all it ever really is.

I always throw away all those stupid letters, love poems, etc.  It's all a manipulation game-something these jalbirds know all about firsthand.

((((hugs))))  I've been in your situation firsthand. 



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Jadie


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Poor me, poor me......listen to him whine. hmm

Where is the reflecting of why he is where he is, where is the recovery work, where is the amends, where is the humility. ??

I want I want I want......I want everyone else to be doing what I should be doing for myself.

He is where he is because of who he is while addiction is master...... and nothing changes if nothing changes.

He may change, he may not.

He will only start to change if he has to take care of himself.

Al-anon meetings are a huge support for us and a sponsor even more so. A sponsor can give one to one time which meetings can't.

Your awareness & acceptance is growing.

Keep coming back

Jadie x



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glad lee


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Love the title of the post... when I accepted and truly believed that I was sick, I had to take my medicine.... meetings. At first I declared I had no time for more than one a week. Today, I embrace recovery on a daily basis becase today I accept that I have a thinking problem. I have to accept that the things I chose for myself in the past, like getting involved with an addict... I did with my best thinking, haha!

I hope to hear more about your meeting experiences and step progress. That's the only thing that changed ME. Reading this board helped me to observe that we do have a tendency to waltz right back into the same type of relationship if we don't believe we have a thinking problem.

I can't resist making the suggestion of running from this man, you are worth much, much more. Dive into your own recovery with lots and lots of meetings.

Take what you like ((dear one))

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Julie3310


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so i have mentally prepared myself that relationship is over. I am trying to come to the face the music and accept the truth of what we had and what we did not have.


My answer should be obvious but how do i let him know i am done. Every single Tuesday I go visit him and tomorrow is visiting day. I wanted closure by going and visiting him and telling him. But is that wise? Should I write him a letter or not go at all. I am afraid to go cold turkey because my analytical mind will go crazy to think what will he think if I dont show up. If he calls me cursing me because I wasnt there. I think I have the courage to it face to face.


I went to a CoDa meeting today but arrived late due to work. I got a little shy so i didnt go in. I got all the info and meeting times but how do I find a sponsor????


Thank you! (((HUGS)))

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