The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is on day 6 now of sobriety and is attending "90 AA meetings in 90 days"... I have never seen him so committed to the program, or take this much initiative to change. He encourages me to go to Alanon, has reached out to a pastor to keep him accountable, and I have been really proud of him.
I am struggling with balancing how to support him and let him know I believe in him with the reality of the situation- that he might totally relapse any day now, that it has only been six days. I know to protect my heart and my high hopes (easier said than done, of course), but I am unsure of how to act or what to say to him throughout this journey. Do I unconditionally cheer him on, tell him I'm proud of him, and help him rejoice each day that goes by without alcohol, or do I try and stay grounded, remind him that it's hard work, and tell him it's only been six days and he has a long road ahead of him? I know that sounds like the most ridiculous question, but I tend to lean one way or the other, one day talking about how we should celebrate after 90 days and go to dinner, another day saying it's only after two or three years that you can celebrate. Any suggestions?
Take each day as the blessing that it is and don't put so much pressure on yourself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I found the best way to 'help' was mind my own business. A's in recovery are accountable to themselves, their higher power and their AA family/sponsor. I have learned in Alanon to turn the spotlight on myself, get busy and focus on my own recovery. Keeping the spotlight on the A can make them more nervy,...... maybe wait & see if he shares anything to do with his recovery with you and respond supportively and then let it go.
I agree with the above. I would go for the "keep it simple" approach, mind your own well-being and leave his recovery to him. I personally have found that my AH didn't do too well when he felt his progress was being monitored by me (in a positive or negative way). And I got tired of it myself. You can certainly be supportive of his efforts, but I think you should channel your energy in being your own cheerleader :) Sending you support, nyc
I'd suggest that it would help him best to neither cheer him on or remind him of hard truths. The more his recovery gets entangled with other people, the less he can focus on it himself. I would think the most positive thing you could do might be to go about your daily life with the loving detachment that you would hope for in any situation, and turn it over to HP. I so know that impulse to be involved. But you can't be his sponsor or his therapist, and you shouldn't be. If he feels tempted to relapse, he should turn to his sponsor or his fellow AA members, not to you. Because 1) they know how to handle it, and 2) if he does relapse, you don't want to be in a position where he can try to blame you for doing the wrong thing. That takes the focus off him and onto you and things get all messed up.
What I've seen is that the very best thing we can do for their recovery is to occupy ourselves with our own recovery. It sounds paradoxical but it's true.
Early recovery can be stressful for everyone. Take good care of yourself.
My sponsor taught me to talk to my brain kinda like a dog.... "Stay!"
Stay in the day...
Stay out of your head....
Stay on your side of the street...
Stay out of his business...
Stay!!!!
hehee, it works for me. Living in the insanity of alcoholism left me with a great, big "thinking problem." Alcoholics need meetings to help with the drinking problem, and we need meetings to help with our thinking problem. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks for all of the advice- I am definitely going about things the wrong way because I am extremely involved in "helping" him. Tonight, for example, I asked him to look up the times for the meetings to confirm that there was actually a meeting at 7 like he was banking on. Again, I wouldn't have known there was anything wrong with helping him manage his recovery if it weren't for this board, so I greatly appreciate it. It will be sort of difficult for me to detach from this situation because it's almost as if he wants me to be a part of it- he likes to tell me about meetings because he gets excited after them, and I'm sure it's fine to listen and say, "I'm glad you are getting something out of them," it's probably not my place to make sure he's going to a meeting any given day or try to be his therapist, which I am so guilty of!
His recovery is his business to deal with just like your recovery is your business to deal with. I know I would not appreciate my spouse telling me how to work my alanon program or how I'm doing it wrong or when to go to a meeting and so on. I try to keep in mind how do I wish to be treated and I certainly do not want to be treated as a child.
It is easy for us to be involved because it absolves them of any kind of responsibility if they don't go to a meeting some how it becomes our fault. Why didn't we tell them after all there was a meeting? I just find managing a loved one's recovery or anything else hasn't worked for me in the past, so if I want things to change I have to change because nothing changes .. nothing changes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It helped me to think of my "help" as arrogance. It's flat-out arrogance when I think I know what someone else should be doing, especially if they're not asking for my help! It is NONE of my business what anyone else does on their life journey. As a spouse or partner, I am not allowing them the dignity to live their own life... and I have no personal boundaries when I am in their business, telling them what to do, what time to do it.... what a mess. Who likes that kind of person?!
Today, I recognize that when I "need" someone to do something for my comfort and personal security... I am not relying on a Higher power to take care of me. I am saddling someone... a fellow human-being.... with the responsibility of being my higher power. What a selfish demand of me and what an impossible task!! But I did it. I did it for years, we were terribly enmeshed.
I didn't know. And I didn't know that I didn't know.
That's why I come to al-anon, where I realize what I had become. Today, the goal is to place my reliance and my well-being in the hands of the One who owns the universe.
The entire universe..... !!!!
Jump into your own journey, kerry, life gets soooo much better ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 6th of January 2012 08:03:30 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Take everything glad lee just said and thats what I was thinking. Everyone gave great ESH on these threads. Awesome to read because I am having a particularly hard day. Its getting better just reading your responses
I used to think I was my own higher power and I used to think I was my husband's, my co-workers', my mom's, my brothers', my friends' higher power too. I knew what was best, I knew the way, if i just said it one more time they would get it!!! I spent alot of time and energy talking about and dwelling on what everyone else was doing. When I finally figured out that there is a higher power I can rely on and I can turn it over to him, the relief was amazing. I also discovered that I did not know everything, haha, and though I said I knew I didnt i secretly thought I did. I have to do it every day now. steps 1,2,3. repeat. Today I have been handing over the fact that I am having a bad day by saying "maybe this will last all day or week or month, thats for you to decide, God, I am handing over the problem to you."
When my husband comes home and had a great aa meeting. If he talk to me about it I listen, I dont say "hey, thats your business, keep it to yourself." I listen if its something that I can handle hearing and I support him, encourage him, and tell him I'm happy for him. I don't feel so "proud" of him anymore as I do "happy" for him because for years he tried to will it himself and for years I thought he could... and that did not work and only when he gave it over to his HP did it work so its not so much a proud thing (although he has done his fair share of work) but more so a happy for him thing because I am happy and grateful he has found some serenity and figured out how to accept God's will, however it comes. But I think the point I am getting to is that it is great to listen and support but asking questions, looking up meetings, finding out what step their working on.. it drove me crazy and did not help him any. Now I focus on looking up my own meetings, asking my own questions, thinking about what step I am on and then I feel better because Im working on my recovery.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
As long as you are supportive...it's going to turn out however it is going to turn out. If he really wants this for all the right reasons, he will stay sober regardless of whether you are cheering every day or not even mentioning it. Sobriety has it's own rewards and if he doesn't get that, he won't say sober anyhow. There are reasons to celebrate life every day. In general, we do try and live life on a 24 hour basis in AA and I think Alanon is the same.
I am new to these boards and I just wanted to say that this thread has helped me immensely.
We had a bit of a scene last night with my brother and I was feeling guilty for detaching from it, but everyone's words here are making me feel that I did the right thing.
I think I'm going to copy some of these comments and save them to reread later as they really are inspiring.
Thanks to the OP for posting it as I have many of the same questions that you do.
