The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my ABF for almost 2 1/2 years. Just over a year ago he became suspicious of me cheating. There was no reason to even consider that possibility - it was his mind from the drinking. He went to great lengths to try and catch me at it. It was disturbing for me and very hurtful to know that he suspected that. This has been an on and off issue for him - one that I truly struggle with because I have done nothing. It would be clear from anyone looking in from the outside but not in his cloudy brain. Anyway, I work at the complete opposite side of town from where we live. I spoke to him just before lunch and told him I was going to run some errands on lunch. On my way back to the office I saw his vehicle turning into a parking lot. I called him and brought it up. He said he was at home. I let it slide - for a bit. I did call him on it later saying that I didn't understand why he had lied. He gave no response and has not spoken to me since.
A year ago, I was hurt and upset by his behaviour and wondered how I could help change it. Today, I know there's nothing I can do about the choices he makes and thoughts he has. I know I have done nothing inappropriate and given no reason for him to think otherwise.
I just wish it would stop. This will ultimately be the straw that breaks the camels back.
Great responses JN!! Not only alcoholics and addicts are paranoid and immature either. I got the suspicious treatment myself not too long ago and had to use the awareness of "where she came from" in order to allow her space to go thru it and come out of it with a more healthy perspective. It's called taking care of me inspite of you cause for that I am responsible.
You're taking care of yourself and that's good...coming to the realization that change at times means changing the people in my life and how I spend my life with them is as important a choice as a healthy diet and/or financial security.
A few weeks ago I was accused of cheating, because the event at church went long and I didn't check in (the event lasted around 3 hours). I refused to accept the verbal spewing and tried to get in my car, he would not let me leave.
I have a plan in place now for when/if he blocks my car again. I waited a few days (making sure the conversation was had while he was sober) and then pointed out that trust can't grow in an environment where false accusations of infidelity are being thrown out.
He stated that he has insecurities. I have said then what are you going to do about it? I refuse to prove myself or justify, this is not my issue to solve, I have given it and him to my HP.
I have accepted that I am powerless over the disease, but I have choices and will not accept false accusations.
Hugs, it's hurtful and aggravating I know. Supporting you on your journey!
I was told that he was likely projecting his own guilt onto me, either he had had an affair or he THOUGHT about having an affair and so he assumed that I was, or was thinking about it too.
Is that true? I have no idea. I asked, of course, he always said no....
((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 5th of January 2012 10:33:38 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Not Alone, I am happy for you that you can engage in a little slice of serenity at least knowing that its not your job to change his distorted thoughts, that you cannot control his thinking and that it is up to him to work on it. I know its still hard but at least you are not doing what you did a year ago. Proud of you and happy for you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
And we say here, "It is none of my business what you think about me". Meaning, I take care of my side of the street. I live my life in a way that I am proud of and not ashamed or hiding anything. If you think bad of me, that is your thoughts. I am proud of me and I think I am okay. There is no amount of justification that can change someone's mind who doesn't want to have their mind changed. So stay silent and don't get into the argument. Maybe he is projecting his guilt. You will know eventually. And yes, lack of trust is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Well, it appears that it was indeed the straw that broke the camels back! The more I thought about the more angry I got. I asked him to leave the other day and told him it was over. He seemed surpised - which in turn surprised me. It's not like it was a one off incident, this has been going on for ages. I told him that I just deal with the drama that our relationship always seemed to have. There is enough drama in my life with my 15 and 13 year old!! He didn't believe me and thought I had been talking to someone who put these ideas in my head. Then he pleaded for it not to be over. During the entire time I had to be "cold" - in the sense that I just had to do it and not become emotional. I think he finally realised this - asked if he could have a couple weeks to get a place and get his stuff together. I said of course as long as you're not drinking because I don't want that in the house. He decided to leave there and then - that says a lot to me as well. He called me the next evening - he wanted to know if he went to a treatment centre would it be all good between us. I know I have hurt him but I have to think of me and my children. I need to find me again! He went on to say that he understood why I did what I did. I listened but didn't play into it. He needs help so badly and I do love him and I know that sober, we were meant be but not the way he is now.
I know I will have to be strong in the coming weeks. He left once already and I thought that would be it but somehow he ended up back here. Not that it wasn't enjoyable for a bit - he was going to meetings regularly and was really working on it. Shame it didn't last.
