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I have taken the first step into healing myself I hope. I have lived on and off with my partner for 8 years this 19th decemebr 2011. He has bashed me causing 24 stitches in my head leaving me in a pool of blood oblivious to the fact that i was hurt. when he found out he denied he was at fault saying i drove him to it. we had been together only 8 months. 10 months later he took to me with a hammer. after that i had a restraining order put on him. He said he would have counciling but he went for two weeks and decided he was cured. We decided to live apart but stay as a couple. Things then went from bad to insane. He will throw me out of his life almost every three months saying he needs time to drink away his deamons. He was molested as a child and uses drink as a crutch to cope but i feel that he uses drink as a punishment to anyone that is with him. I worked for 6 1/2 years of the time we where together and he had a very comfortable life. I bought almost everything he has so that i had comfort in his life as much as i have in my own home. I didnt realise that i was just enabling his drinking. I took him to Bali and that was a good holiday but our England trip was horrific. He drank the whole time and found fake dope was legal in England so he stayed drunk and stoned for the entire trip. He ruined any hope of the stopover inThailand of being nice as he drank from 6am in the morning till he passed out in the mid day. that happened every day for the whole 5 weeks. My kids are ready to disown me if i go back to him. I feel so guilty that i have not tried to contact him even though he has destroyed any for of comunication with him and doesnt answer emails. i have panic attacks and the guilt eats away on my heart every day. I never did anything just right but i still miss him SO much. He was my best friend and i just wish that the person i met would some day return but i dont think he will for me and that males me very sad and alone. Thanks for listening to my story i just want the end the guilt and the hurt
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The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
That he drinks/ get stoned is nothing to do with you he does it because he has a disease which is progressive and can only be arrested (not cured) by total abstinence.
Addicts lash out at their loved ones and others ..... because hurt people hurt people.....and so the vicious downward spiral begins. We redouble our efforts to help and fix them while all the while we become more and more diminished as a person. Does it change them....NO.
An addict is going to do what hes going to do and NO ONE can change this except them.
I urge you to find an Alanon face to face group meeting, please dont be scared to go.....you will be among people who walk in the same shoes who will share their experience strength and hope and you will be given wonderful support. The disease likes to isolate us until we can only live and function within it. You will garner tools to help you recover from the effects of this horrible disease whether the drinking continues or not.
In Alanon we have the 3Cs....we didnt Cause it, we cant Control it and we cant Cure it.
You have given me such a boost and i thank you so much ..i will look up the meeting places and attend a meeting asap. for years i felt that i was the one who could cure him if i just held on. now in seeing your words i know that i have to cure myself. again thank you
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The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
I understand completely what your feeling. I was the one who tried to control my boyfriend. I could cure him. I was the only one he was going to listen to. He would get help cause he loved me. the truth is that he won't get help until he's ready and that is exactly what my boyfriend did. Will it be enough to keep him sober. Will he walk the right path? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and in my own sickness I'm still trying to control the outcome. I have to attend my own meetings to learn how to live without insanity in my heart and anxiety in my world. I hope that with meetings and sponsorship I can let go and let god. Prays for you for sure!!
Hi, kwinanachick, Welcome to MIP!! its called miracles in progress because that's what the people on here are.. each and everyone of them and everyone is exactly where they are meant to be in their own recovery. You are not alone in your feelings and this is a safe place to vent and feel support as well as face to face meetings which I highly recommend. Keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Welcome Kwinanachick! Thank you for sharing with us. As Michelle already said, this is a safe place to vent. I know it has helped me. Please keep coming back.
Today my boyfriend has asked me to go round to see him. He says that he wants us to be adult and talk things over. He says he doesn't want to loose what we have together. I am afraid that if I go over there he will talk me into giving in again and that everything will be status quo. This happens every time he throws me out. I had a long talk with his daughter and even she says that he will never change he was the same with her mom. Can friendship ever be had with an alcoholic? He has stated clearly that if we part he will move away is that friendship will not be an option. I'm scared of being alone but I'm scared of doing this for the rest of our relationship. Does ultermatium work on an alcoholic? Should I offer him my love with conditions? Such as AA meetings or a program similar ? I just feel so lost at sea and my stomach constantly turns
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The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Hugs and welcome, I'm so sorry you are going through this at this point and time. It does get better and you are not alone. The 3 C's come to mind, .. you did not cause the addiction, you can't control his addiction and you won't cure it.
I've had to go through and really look at myself and what my motives are for being in a relationship and this answer is different for each person. What is worse being in a bad relationship or the idea of being alone?
Ultimatums do not work. The best thing I did for myself was walk through the doors straight into alanon. If you can go to a meeting (recommended 6) I highly encourage you to do so, it has worked miracles in my life. I know I'm exactly where I need to be right this min in my program of recovery. The obsessing about the should's, would's and could's have stopped running a muck in my mind. I am present in today, without worry about the yesterdays or tomorrows.
The other thing I've heard about alcoholics is don't worry they will be back the hardest thing to get rid of is an active alcoholic. I don't know how much of that is true however based upon what i've seen if the original doesn't come back don't worry another one will be waiting to be fixed around the corner. I guess for me that's why i had to start working on myself big time the idea that I could do this again and it might be worse scared me big time.
There is no easy answer to your question about being "friends" with an alcoholic on one hand I could say oh sure because it wouldn't feel so personal, however with a sig other .. I think I would get sucked back in to the same patterns if I wasn't in alanon and truly working my program.
I hope you will continue to stick around and read, share and see where things take you, it does get better. Alanon doesn't mean your sig other will get sober however it's so much better to live with the alanon program than try and navigate the waters of addiction alone because it effects everyone around it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
