The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's funny. I'm reading things online about "putting him in the back of my mind" and "stop trying to tell him how to recover" etc.. and it's making tears swell up in my eyes. I do all the things on these lists. I want to change these things about myself and I consider how to attach the problems but I can't figure it out. It's like the answer is tucked away in a deep dark hole inside myself.
How can I help myself when I'm so focused on him? I will never recover if I can't get over my desire to control him. I want his recovery to work. I want him to be able to work his program without me intervening but my own self confidence issues keep me from letting go. I want to know how much he loves me all the time, if he's interested in other women, crazy things and questions I'm constantly throwing at him. He was going to post something sweet on fb and was bragging about how he really liked the idea. When it started taking forever (by forever I mean*like 30 mins. lol) I started thinking is he lying? Does it take this long? Is he talking to another girl? My underlying problem is my need of self assurance. The funny thing is, I can't remember if I've been this way forever, I just know I'm this way now.
Anyway. I have to "Let go and Let God." Is that the saying? I can't control him and it shouldn't matter but I don't even know how to approach that bridge, let alone cross it.
Mel... you said earlier you're struggling with your HP, so perhaps "Let Go and Let God" won't work for you, at least for now....
My wise old sponsor once reminded me to "allow my A the dignity to lead her life, and make her own choices", and that one hit home for me..... who am I, after all, to think, want, or try to lead someone else's life, and/or possibly know what is the right decisions for them to make...
Al-Anon is for you... plain and simple... it is choosing recovery for YOU, regardless of what your A does or doesn't do.... It is a great program, and like most good things - you get out of it what you put into it.... try it for awhile.... there is a great old tongue-in-cheek saying: "try us for six meetings... if you are not completely satisfied, we will gladly refund your misery".....
A book recommendation would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.... it was a lifesaver for me, and taught me soooo much.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's so hard, isn't it? The way I understand it, we try to control them (make them reassure us, stop drinking, make decisions the way we would, etc. etc.) because we're scared of what would happen if we didn't. What would happen if he didn't love you as much as you wanted or as much as he should, or if he weren't capable of it? (I'm not asking for you to write it down, just for yourself.) When I'm in these situations, I think I won't be able to bear it. It's as if all my strength comes from another person and if they don't give it to me, I won't exist, or I won't be able to get through life. A therapist once told me that a healthy person thinks, "Whatever happens, I'll get through it and be fine." That's pretty much the opposite of my thoughts when I've been co-dependent on addicts. And strangely, the more I try to control them, the more I lose myself and my sense of my own strength. It took a lot for me to start being able to say, "If he doesn't do X and Y, this man might not be a good man for me. But that will be okay. I'll move on just fine." Some days I have more conviction than others. But it helps me to know what I'm aiming at.
I couldn't have said it better. You and I are struggling with EXACTLY the same thing. I literally feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head that i couldn't myself get out. Thank you so much for that. I wish you the best of luck. I am also new to Al-anon and have much difficulty understanding it all. I can't make any wise comments because we are struggling with exactly the issues.
It's so hard, isn't it? The way I understand it, we try to control them (make them reassure us, stop drinking, make decisions the way we would, etc. etc.) because we're scared of what would happen if we didn't. What would happen if he didn't love you as much as you wanted or as much as he should, or if he weren't capable of it? (I'm not asking for you to write it down, just for yourself.) When I'm in these situations, I think I won't be able to bear it. It's as if all my strength comes from another person and if they don't give it to me, I won't exist, or I won't be able to get through life. A therapist once told me that a healthy person thinks, "Whatever happens, I'll get through it and be fine." That's pretty much the opposite of my thoughts when I've been co-dependent on addicts. And strangely, the more I try to control them, the more I lose myself and my sense of my own strength. It took a lot for me to start being able to say, "If he doesn't do X and Y, this man might not be a good man for me. But that will be okay. I'll move on just fine." Some days I have more conviction than others. But it helps me to know what I'm aiming at.
Hugs.
Mattie- this is what is hardest for me...it is almost as if Al-Anon and AA support and really advise for divorce...why? It is almost like you should both become selfish in recovery and only be concerned with yourself and if that includes separating and/or divorce. That is the way it is. In fact, most of the premises I have been reading in the Al-Anon Works book make me question how any couple can go through these programs and remain married?
I don't know if that will show as a link or not. if not copy and past this for me says it best of what a real relationship is about .. it's not emeshment it's about being whole as a single being and then not one being but two.
Anyway, I have found alanon has given me a life and in turn made my marriage so much better than I ever thought it could because I stopped obsessing about what my spouse was or wasn't doing and just started living. I'm a whole lot more interesting to my spouse because I do have a life.
It's just how it works.
Hugs sorry for the crosstalk, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka- thanks so much. It makes me feel hope to hear that...I was really starting to have significant doubts about my future. I will look at the link.
Love
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give the impression that divorce is the answer. In the situation I was talking about, the relationship was just starting. There is no one right answer to whether to stay together or to divorce because everyone's situation is unique. But many people have learned to use the tools of Al-Anon and recovery to be happy in their marriages even though their spouse continues to drink. It's all about not letting their bad mood ruin our bad mood. Alcoholics are in a continual bad mood -- that's where drinking starts and what drinking causes -- and they try to spread it to others so they can offload it from themselves. That's simplifying things, of course, but that's the way I understand it. But when we have recovery tools, we can stay on an even keel no matter what mood they're in. Al-Anon advises making no major decisions in the first six months. After six months + of recovery, a lot of things look different and things that seemed impossible seem a lot more possible. That's been my experience too.
"Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls... Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone... Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping... And stand together but not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
I read this in September and I believe the One Dat at a Time in Al-Anon or the Courage to Change book quote this somewhere. Its from the Prophet. In September I was debating whether I would have to leave my AH. In early December I had these same thoughts when he relapsed again. But something in me changed. Al-Anon started to work and just as Pushka described so perfectly I now feel as if my husband and I have this type of relationship that is described above. We spend time together (before we were together but i often felt he was not there in spirit) and we spend time alone. I give him my heart but it remains in my own possession. My heart knows and loves his heart but it remains my own. "When you start loving yourself you begin a life long romance" and that is what I have found in Al-Anon. My marriage has blossomed and is better than I ever imagined it could be because I am happy with me and he is happy with him. The glorious part is if he slips back into his old habits of self pity, depression, fear, anxiety, worry. I don't have to. I can be happy because I now know its an inside job.
That being said, some people do not remain together, some do... Al-Anon never advices divorce or advice not to divorce. In time all answers answer themselves when your focus is on your own recovery. And perhaps my answers are only answered for today. I have no clue what will happen tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years.. but today I am happy, I am smiling, and I am still married to my alcoholic/addict husband whom I love dearly.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
...it is almost as if Al-Anon and AA support and really advise for divorce...why?
I hear this one a lot, and honestly don't know where it comes from (don't worry LostSurvivor, you are not alone in this feeling)...
One of the preambles of every Al-Anon meeting references that we will learn to lead a life of serenity and can be happy "whether we stay with our A or not" (I am paraphrasing). I have NEVER been encouraged to either stay nor leave - our program teaches us to respect and take care of ourselves, and to focus our attention and "control" onto the only person we can truly control - which is US. Nothing more, nothing less.... Al-Anon doesn't "should" us.... it helps us, encourages us to be honest with ourselves and others, and teaches us life skills and self-esteem skills to be able to work through whatever challenges we are facing...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's funny. I'm reading things online about "putting him in the back of my mind" and "stop trying to tell him how to recover" etc.. and it's making tears swell up in my eyes. I do all the things on these lists. I want to change these things about myself and I consider how to attach the problems but I can't figure it out. It's like the answer is tucked away in a deep dark hole inside myself. 