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So, I made a Big post earlier but i couldn't type so easy and just couldn't get me to cut it down to size; would of taken too long so i threw it out here and let it be what it is .. it's on feelings & manipulation ..
My daughter is supposed to visit with her dad on Sundays .. Last Sunday he called to cancel because it was New Years .. I was angry he called .. Tonight he called to tell me he was canceling this Sunday .. He wanted to reschedule for monday or another day .. I told him no .. the day is Sunday .. He said can i talk to her .. I was in my car and i said no, i'm not home .. his sister or .. somebody was in the background saying why can't you see her friday or saturday .. he said yeah why can't i see her friday or saturday .. I said because I have plans and your day to see her is Sunday .. If something came up that's more important to you that you are not able to give her your one day of the week, then i guess that's the way it is .. he said ok and hung up .. I called him back .. I said I can't switch days .. i go back to work on monday and we have a schedule and routine and you can't expect that when it's suddenly convenient for you i can just up and switch everything around . and I don't have to, but you should know I'm keeping track of when you cancel .. he said you're the one not putting her on the phone .. I said for what ? so you can tell her your not gonig to see her this sunday either and reopen her wounds that haven't even hardly begun to heal ?? disappoint her again .. relieve Your guilt ? so you can go out with a clean conscience .. This isn't about you .. or me .. it's about her being in therapy for abandonment issues and needing consistancy and stability .. he said well i won't see her this week .. i'll see her next and hung up ..
I am So angry at him .. I am also seeing how Sick I am with him .. Someone said today I won't give up the control because I don't know I'm powerless .. Maybe i'm trying for the control ?? I really need someone to reason this with me if you would .. I'm So angry for staying by him So long .. being used .. All i accepted .. then having him Run to someone new and completely up and abandon me too .. I am, however, just being honest and also honestly Concerned and fearful of what this is doing to our daughter .. Please help me .. I am Jealous & envious still .. I don't want him back the way he was and how can everything about him irritate me and then me sit and say i miss him .. Gggggggggeeez ..
I'm up and down and then all around back on the merry go round .. but actually tonight I recognise I don't want to dwell on him .. I just need a little help and so that's progress because I'm willing to stop .. Just need the diversion and esh .. my tooth is Also Killing me .. Thanks for being patient .. I think this is all still part of the process .. I just have not yet worked through everything in me regarding my thoughts on him and my behaviors toward him ..
It's so hard to stop expecting them not to push at our boundaries. And to be fair, I think it was reasonable of him to say, "Would another day work?" (Although just after canceling a visit on New Year's was probably not the best time to ask.) But just as it's reasonable for him to ask if another day would work, it is reasonable for you to answer, "No, only the day we've agreed on works." Some people might have an open schedule and be okay with a lot of flexibility and late changes. Many people would not be. So once he's asked, the reasonable behavior, as I see it, would be to accept that he should abide by the original agreement, not keep pushing.
However, they often do push. All we have to do is to say no -- we don't have to convince them. Our behavior will convince them. If we're consistent in our behavior, they'll learn how things work, whether they like it or don't like it. And as the Al-Anon saying goes, "'No' is a complete sentence." If he were capable of cooperating, you might well still be together.
I understand, though, how someone pushing and pushing can trigger all those emotions about how far they've pushed in the past and how painful it is. All I can say is that my experience is that the more we progress on from those days, the better we feel. You show a lot of awareness. Hugs.
Hi, I don't think you need to be jealous of the new someone. He is still the same person and he will do it again if it suits him.
You're right, you don't have control over him. But you do have control over you and what you will put up with. You have to do whatever you have to do to make yOUR life more comfortable (just the same as he is trying to do). You have the right to say no. You have the right to have boundaries. You have the right to protect your child.
Everything you obsess about becomes bigger in your mind. You think and think and think about him. And he gets bigger and bigger. Force yourself to think about anything else.
Good luck with the painful tooth. At least it is getting your mind on something else.....LOL!
The best book I read about codependency were by Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go" and "Codependent No More". "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me have insight into lots of cycles.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
