I went over my Mom's today mainly to eat dinner because I am down to seven dollars and I need gas to get to and from work.  This is why I love my Mom.  She is the best Mom in the world in a million ways and if i could go back when I was a floating soul or whatever we are before we're born I would have picked her for my Mom, even knowing all I know, if I were given the choice.  But I go there and she is this sad, angry, depressing, glass half empty mood.  She starts talking about how she wished she had never moved to the town she's in (this happened literally 30 years ago) and would have stayed where she was from.  I have heard her argue with my Dad every day since I knew English over this mater and a few others. The same arguments, the same results.  My Dad is not an alcoholic but has many attributes alcoholics share.  He is an addict but his addiction is a computer game.  My Mom definitely needed Al-Anon.  My whole life I listened to her yell and nag at my Dad to get him to do everything the way she wanted and in her defense, I get why... my Dad is lazy and selfish.. keep in mind I also love my Dad with all my heart.  I have accepted them both just how they are and I see the good in each of them.  I choose to try to ignore the bad and focus on the good..My Dad has become the withdrawn "whatever you say" parent.

But today it was like I could do no right when I went over there.  I don't know why.  I feel like my Mom is resentful that I'm happy... after all Ive been through with my AH and everything (read the first sentences in Goodbye2011 if you would like details.)  I know my Mom wants me to be happy, she would never wish me sadness or anger but I think shes confused as to why Im not moping or whining and I have even said a couple times "The reason I'm as happy as I am is because of Al-Anon" and once I think I even told her I was grateful for everything Ive gone through because I now have a closeness with my HP.  I feel like my Mom is waiting for my emotional bomb to drop but the thing is.. I am honestly happy and content with life.

So she starts talking about how she wishes she did not live in this town then almost starts crying telling me something her sister in law said to her once... I have only seen my Mom cry twice in her life and its when both of her parents died.. so I don't know what is going on with her.  My one brother still lives at home and wont get a job.. he has an anxiety disorder, I think, its undiagnosed because he wont go see anyone about it.  My other brother lives at home but is a senior in highschool.  His coping skills are very poorly developed, he becomes very angry very easily and often punches walls and speaks hurtfully towards people especially my Mom.  This really hurts me because I feel like shes always been the one that people take things out on since shes always been the enabler and the care taker and she just takes it.

I love my Mom and my heart breaks for her.  She was very harsh with me tonight and I did not know what to say to her because I did not want to have a fight over this foolishness.  She just does not see that there is a more peaceful, happier way to live and now I see it.  So I think how grateful I am once again for finding Al-Anon and how proud I am of myself for putting my time in and really opening my mind. I am back on step four again working on my positive characteristics and its encouraging because I do have plenty that I was born with and plenty Ive acquired.

I called my sponsor after I left.  She told me I did the right thing leaving and that its best not to preach for people to change because its usually pointless and they wont seek to change til they are ready to. i don't know if my Mom will ever be ready to let go of the control she thinks she has over others but I guess I am not here to take her inventory. I am here to take my own.  Today I just gracefully left my childhood home without a fight.

I completely see why I ended up with an addict/alcoholic... Im glad I ended up with the one I did because he's my very best friend... but I see it so clearly now and I have to remember that others just don't.  God only lets you see what you are ready to I guess and Im glad I was finally ready to see things clearly so that I could change my patterns.

I called my Mom once I got home and I said "Mom, Im sorry if you're upset and I want you to know that I love you."  She started going on and on about how she's not upset and how she doesnt get upset and how she should not have told me that thing her sister in law said because its her problem to deal with and how she doesnt talk about things. I just said "well you can talk to me if you ever want to."  Then I did explain a bit that I am honestly happy and she does not have to worry about me.  That I am not internalizing my AH's problems and, instead, just focusing on myself.  I told her I am grateful for everything because it led me to this point.  My Mom sounded relieved a bit.. I think she is constantly worrying about me.  She then told me she loved me and we said goodnight.

I am so proud that we did not end up in a fight at all. My childhood was not a sad one but it was a hostile one.  We all argued daily, we communicated through screaming at one another. I didnt realize that not everyone did this.  Its pretty much how I showed love.  My husband sort of taught me that it is not necessary to pick fights or yell at him.  With the help of Al-ANon, this site, my HP, therapy, my AH, and my wonderful sponsor I have learned that I can be as happy as I let myself be, its an inside job and that screaming and fighting is not a serene way to live.. and I want serene.. Let it begin with me.

This was so therapeutic just to share this stuff.  Thanks to anyone who read it. Thank you.