The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Of course, I have long since learned that when he does this, I absolutely should NOT develop any expectations that he will actually quit drinking. I can't even begin to count the number of times he has said he's going to quit, or cut back, blah blah blah.
How do you all handle these types of situations? I never bring up the topic, but he is talking about it constantly. On New Year's Eve, it was "I'm going to quit drinking in the new year." On New Year's Day it was "today is my last day to drink." Yesterday it was "I'm going to stop after this holiday weekend is over." I don't react at all, but then he does things like look at our 19-month old son and say "Mommy doesn't think I can do it" (he does this A LOT--puts our son right in the middle of this stuff, and it drives me nuts).
I'm nervous to sound overly rah-rah gung ho about his statements, because I know he's not actually going to quit and if I get to outwardly excited he will then go on and on and on about how he knows I'm disappointed in him when he inevitably doesn't quit. I also don't want to totally ignore him. Suggestions?
I hear that statement, I know you're disappointed in me, I know that you insert the statement, and what I've started to do is either say, I'm not disappointed you are an adult with a right to your choices (sometimes it just depends) the other statement I use is quit putting words and thoughts into my mind and head. I said that last night in fact.
Last week my AH had an appointment with a psychologist for anxiety, add and substance abuse issues, when he told me I said that I'm praying for you. Then he cancelled that appointment. I told him that I would only say this one time, I wish you (my AH) would at least got and talk to the person. However it's your (my AH) decision to make. I left it alone after that.
Right now I'm trying extremely hard to remember to give up the drinking to my HP, my AH is drinking more, there is nothing I can do other then pray.
With his daughter I've made it very clear to him that she is 3 and he is not to put his issues on her. I've stated this during times when he is not drinking. He is so insecure and little people look for ways to push buttons, especially 3 year olds and I continue to point this out.
Sending you hugs and support, it's so frustrating and disheartening make sure you take care of you!!!
It's good that you're working your program and are remaining detached rather than react, initiate the conversation, and set expectations.
I'm not happy regarding his statements to your son that are directed at you - something that I see as common with an active A (or an A not immeshed in working a program). I know it's not personal and is a symptom of the disease. When I've been in those situations, I've learned to comment a neutral "not nice" and walk away rather than enter chaos with a deep conversation.
In my experience, my exHA rallies to rope me into the disease, and, while I wouldn't set expectations, I might say something like "that would be wonderful". I would express things in a positive way, which may not answer his instigations directly- for example, if he says to you, "You don't think I can do it, do you!?" You might try something like, "I've heard success stories about people who work the 12 steps in AA." Just my thoughts... I'm still learning too.
@ Bud "You might try something like, "I've heard success stories about people who work the 12 steps in AA." Just my thoughts... I'm still learning too."
Great topic! First off, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds incredibly frustrating and painful. I also know the tight rope walk feeling of wondering what to say or not say to things. Sometimes I just freeze and nod, because I'm scared to say the "wrong" thing. My sponser has reminded me to take the pressure off myself. My response won't make or break his desire to drink. I need to check my motivations. Is there anything I need to say for ME? If so, I can state it one time clearly, quietly, and move on--regardless of how I think he may or may not react. I'll be reading the responses to this post for more insight. Sending you support!
I feel for your AH because I think he really does want to quit but he just can't and he probably wonders "why oh why did I drink again" and then feels down, as if he is not strong and then when hes feeling down he thinks.. "hey, if i drink I won't feel down anymore." My husband tried to will his sobriety for a long time and until he took step 1 he was stuck in this cycle for a long long time. He thought he was more powerful than alcohol/drugs.. he thought he could wake up one day and do it but every day he could not, felt low, and then did it again to feel better just for the moment. Its a cycle and this is why its a disease. I think support is crucial. I know in my own experience when I made my AH feel like I did think he could do it. I would say, "I know you can do it but you have to do it, I can't do it for you. I believe in you and I'm rooting for you." That way the decision is on him, the work is his to do, but he knows I want it for him and am in support of it. There are people who can say "Im going to quit and quit.." but those people are few and far between. Your AH probably needs to come to the realization that he cannot just say "I'll quit" and quit.. that he needs AA, he needs a sponsor, etc. The trouble here is even though you know it, he still may not know it. He might think maybe he does at times. The tricky part, I learned is that no amount of nagging, threatening, or coercing my AH could get him out of denial... he had to get himself out. That being said, I learned I could help him, by getting my own support in Al-Anon and just showing him I care and support his recovery should he choose that route.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 3rd of January 2012 12:33:41 PM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am also sorry you are in so much conflict of what to believe. Personally, for me actions speak much louder than words. I have said it one time and that is all that there can be at this point. I apply this rule to myself as well. I can talk a good game that I need to loose weight .. lol .. I know what I need to do putting it into application is a whole other world of doing.
You have already received some wonderful ESH. There is a great book called The Delimma of an Alcoholic Marriage and I have to say that has some wonderful insight on communication. I am now working very vigilantly on focusing on the "what's" and staying away from the how's, why's and when's.
What do you think? What are you going to do? Have been very common place in my vocabulary while remaining positive and supportive. I find it is extremely important to allow others the dignity to come to their own conclusions. Even in the negative .. we are all exactly where we need to be in the moment in order to find healing.
As far as hanging any hopes on what an active A says, actions speak far louder than words. Let him talk, I find that what they want is approval to continue to do what they are doing OR they are looking for an excuse to continue what they are doing. Either way .. it's important to just be supportive without owning their choices.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks so much everyone! Lord knows I struggle a lot with tons of things in the program, but one thing that has never troubled me, even before Al Anon, is I have never, ever accepted the blame for his drinking. That is HIS choice, and the consequences are his. He has never tried to blame me outright for his drinking, but he often tries to blame me for his behavior that stems from his alcoholism (his emotional abuse, most notably). So I never feel that his "failure" to quit is a reflection on me at all.
When he received his third DUI several years ago (before we were dating), he attend "intensive outpatient rehab," and part of that process was AA meetings. He has always talked about how he felt the people at his AA meetings were "phonies." He clearly never has and has no intention of admitting that he is powerless over alcohol. He prefers to think he can control it and his drinking. As long as he remains in that mindset, nothing will change. I accept that, and I accept that he is the only person who can change that mindset for himself. I certainly can't make him see it. With a couple of in-the-heat-of-the-moment exceptions, for months I have limited my comments about drinking to insisting that I drive if he has had 2 or more beers in the hour before we drive somewhere.
Pushka, I am going to load that book onto my e-reader today. My husband is very astute, and I am finding that the nuances of communication with him are very, very important. I can definitely use more guidance in that area, for my own peace of mind and to continue to reduce my need (and the appearance of my need) to control. There's one thing I don't blame him for one bit...I don't blame him for being angry when I try to control him or a situation over which I really have no power. I work on that one day at a time.
stephaniej wrote:Pushka, I am going to load that book onto my e-reader today. My husband is very astute, and I am finding that the nuances of communication with him are very, very important. I can definitely use more guidance in that area, for my own peace of mind and to continue to reduce my need (and the appearance of my need) to control. There's one thing I don't blame him for one bit...I don't blame him for being angry when I try to control him or a situation over which I really have no power. I work on that one day at a time.
My AH is very astute and trying to have conversations with him can leave me frustrated. I've read Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage and it has definitely helped me to be able to communicate more effectively, verbally. I can write all day long :D
And...shocker! I arrived home to 7 beer cans in the garbage. Not at all surprised that the resolution to quit has fallen by the wayside. Sad that the drinking is escalating before work, because his job is dangerous, but it is what it is . They are his choices.
