The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My relationship with my CH boyfriend has taken my life away. I am depressed, lost, confused, unmotivated and do not love myself and I dont even do the drugs.
I have been with him for a little over a year and go figure in a year how much your life physically, mentally and financially can change from one persons sick addiction. Before I met my boyfriend I started a business, graduated with my masters, was on TV and attending many events. I started dating my boyfriend and it was love at first sight. He had a baby about to be born but told me My baby mother and I are not together. I didnt think anything of it since we were just friends and time flew by. We were together 247 and I ignored every single RED flag.
I always knew friends that tried drugs but have never been around it ever. It wasnt till one night we got away for the weekend and he did it for the 1st time. I knew some of the symptoms of cocaine but not crack. He didnt do it in front of me but made me check the blinds, the door, my car, etc every 20 minutes. He constantly would stop and tell me to be quiet because he would think he would hear things.
I didnt think anything of it or knowing how bad his addiction was until he felt comfortable doing it around me and this is where the money started running out fast. And of course, it was my money. He is 30 years old with no job, no car, no ambition in life. He has a peter pan syndrome where he still lives in the party, high school mentality. He is cute and does not look like your average crack head. He is the scary one you will be blindsided by.He comes from a good family, which made me overlook the person he was. I have been friends with his brother for over 10 years, but we recently got in touch. His brother told me recently that he has been doing drugs for over 10 years, from X, to tabs, Xanax etc.
When he is sober its not 100% great. He was living with his baby mama and I put up with it but he was always talking about other girls and trying to get with other girls. One night he left me in the club by myself to go party with these other girls.
The biggest incident that made him get worse was when he got out of jail. He went to jail July 10- Sept 10. We got back together right away. We were together and more in love. It wasnt until one night he smoked weed (He was put on probation) and pretty much said F IT and got some dope. It was a snowball effect after that.Because our relationship grew stronger. His baby mama kicked him out before Thanksgiving and no one in his family would help him. Everyone depended on me and told him to come to me. ( I feel like they think I was the reason for all this) I basically was his caregiver during this time. He didnt want to do anything but get high. I couldve put my foot down, but I have been so brainwashed and manipulated by this man I felt obligated to prove to his family and him that I can be the woman he needs. He would even get mad and say your selfish, I left my family for you and look at where im at You can and took another womans man, what kind of woman are you
I was paying for all the hotels, buying all the drugs, scared everytime we would drive bc he wouldnt listen to me and just smoke in my car. But he wouldnt make the situation better because he would become very paranoid and yell at me. Now that I was the only person here for him, he would go to the ATM and I would tell him only take out $20 or $40 and he would overdraft my account and lie. I gave up and submissed to what he said. I knew he has abused his baby mama in the past and has yelled and scared me horribley. Well he finally hit me. He was high off xanax and crack and I had to leave to go home. He didnt want me to leave, and I got scared and he hit me. He constantly accuses me of being with other guys and sleeping around. But I never have on him or anyone I have ever been with. Im stuck in stupidville.
But of course, I forgave him and took him back. He stayed at his baby mamas house one night after his binge and the next morning he stole her car and returned it 2 days later.
He went to rehab and got picked up by the cops for car jacking, domestic violence and Violaton of probation.He is now sitting in jail and could be facing prison.
He wasnt supposed to have any contact with his baby mama and decided to call her when he found out she put minutes on his phone in jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was one thing with the drugs that kept me with him because I always feel like he is going to change but to now have his baby mama pretend like he did nothing to her and want him back (because she doesnt want me with him) and before he spoke to her he told me I will never take her back, if we live together she will bring her to us, its about us now. Now that he spoke to her and she tells him she is moving to GA, she says when things become better u can move up with us.
In my head, I am just the person he is using as a clutch so he can get on his feet and leave. This is what rips my heart and soul apart to know how much I love this man and put up and he continues this cycle with her. What if he decides to change and blame me for taking him for drugs and enabling him. Believe me, I almost had a heart attack every time I would do it, but it was out of fear and love for this person.
I am slowly dying inside because my perception of how much of a fool I have been made and how much I was not love is showing. And I have become addicted to him. And now I feel like I refuse to listen to anyones advice because I am refusing to leave mentalliy.
He ask me to do everything for him while he is in jail, make a million 3 ways and I have no idea if he is speaking to her or who knows what they are talking about because she added him on facebook???? (yes, immature to worry about, but after a yr of lies and manipulation, I second guess everything) Why would she add him on facebook after all this???
I dont think my biggest challenge is him, it is about letting go. Because He is my comfort zone, and I am in the middle of all this, being messanger, everything and to all of a sudden disappear and not worry about whats going on drives me crazy. I have spite inside of me. I sometimes want him to go to prison, I even sometimes (as sad as it seems) dont want him to change, bc I am unhappy and he doesnt deserve to be happy.
I have gotten tons of people saying Al-Anon and therapy. Yes, and I will go again. The pain hurts so much though. How do I let go???
There are many slogans here in AlAnon. Is this your first time, or do you have any familiarity of it? FYI, there is online meetings here twice a day which are awesome and al- annon...also the room is a chat room after meeting hours. You are always welcome! What comes to mind to me at first for you, is are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? It is said we are as sick, or even sicker than the user because they are drugged/liquored up and we are not. The merry go round continues until "we" make a move to break the cycle.
How? This is where working a program comes in handy, having a sponsor whom you can call upon and who can be available for you to point you in the right direction.
I must say this, No ONE deserves to be hit. Period! I am passionate about that. And only you can take the steps to ensure that it does not happen again. Domestic violence escalates and your self esteem deteriorates. That Is the sad reality. You my dear are worth So Much More!!!! But like Smokey the Bear, only You can put out that fire once and for all.
I believe, you answered your own questions. If you read your post again, you should be able to see it.
The 3 C's are invaluable when it comes to addictions of others in your life. You didn't Cause, You cannot Cure it, nor can You Control it. Easy Does It, Let Go and Let God (get yourself out of his way in dealing with the situation). Also, sometimes we have to take things One Day At a Time, One Hour At a Time or One Minute At a Time. Fix yourself a hot bath, have a nice cup of tea. Pamper yourself and love on yourself the way a man Should love on you! Do this, and repeat it until it becomes second nature to you. Buy yourself some pretty flowers....treasure yourself. Forgive yourself.....you are human. Learn from your mistakes, which is what all of us are here for. Get rid of the stinkin thinkin and let healthy positive thoughts infuse your mind. You Are able to take your thoughts and mind captive and think only on what is lovely, true and pure.
Keep coming back, It works IF you work it and Many are here to help you do just that if this is what you want. Confusion can be replaced with reason.
Aloha Julie and welcome to the board...the answer to your last question is that you get to the face to face Al-Anon Meeting and take your pain with you. When you get into the meeting and it is your turn to share...put your pain out on the table as you have here and share it with others who will help you carry it. That is what I did and that is what worked for me. You will be loved and accepted unconditionally and everyone there like here at MIP will know where you are at and what you are going thru.
Been there....done that!!
Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the number to Al-Anon. Call that number and find the places and times we get together in your area and then come site with us.
Also a suggestion for motivation...read your post here as if you were one of us...then use the feeling to motivate you into the rooms.
Welcome to the message boards, welcome to recovery! I am glad that you reached out to us.
Under most circumstances, we do not give advice. In Alanon, we believe that every person must make their own decisions and that those decisions will come in time as they reach out, get a sponsor, go to meetings, and begin to work the solution of Alanon. Of course, I recommend those avenues to you--they have helped me immensely!
However, we also make an exception to the advice giving when someone seems to be in a dangerous situation. I really encourage you to reread your post with an alertness to the dangers and crimes you outlined because although they are your boyfriend's crimes, they put you in very serious danger as well. I am assuming carjacking and possession of crack are both felonies? While your boyfriend is the one committing the crimes, if you are with him, you could very well be implicated (say, if you were stopped for a routine traffic violation and he was smoking crack, etc.). And, he has hit you, so the domestic violence is very likely to escalate. I cannot stress enough that you seem to be in a very dangerous situation that is not only endangering your physical safety, but may impact your long-term health and sanity let alone your freedom. Please consider what is at stake here--and get the help you need.
When I was in dangerous circumstances, I went to counseling and Alanon and I also read literature specifically written to educate me about the emotional and physical abuse I was suffering from. Reaching out for help from a domestic violence shelter and educating myself about the cycle of abuse was a great way for me to start. For me, recognizing that I was being abused was the first step towards setting strong boundaries and making sure I was safe. I was terrified to set boundaries, but with ample support I was able to.
I hope you keep coming back! We all need support, especially when we are faced with the challenges of someone else's addiction. Here you will find the support you need to make the decisions that are right for you.
You can get the "language of letting go" by beattie -- it makes SO much sense to me! You can also visit the CODA board...alot of that book is posted there..
You are taking the first steps in facing reality....keep coming back!
First off, I agree with BlueCloud 100% but also wanted to say...
The number one thing that sticks out for me when I read this is
"and do not love myself "
I think there is still a glimmer of love within your heart for yourself somewhere because you got motivated enough to get on this site. Al-Anon can and will help you if you allow it to. I had to really dig deep and allow myself to open up my mind. The problems you describe, though they seem to be your whole life right now, are only part of your life; A fragment, a moment. You always have you though, til the die we die we have ourselves. I made the choose to find out how to love me. My HP was what really helped me to understand that I am worth it, that I am loveable, and that I am loved as soon as I love myself. My HP led me to Al-Anon and that is where I found the hope and strength to become healthy and happy. If you can get to face to face meetings I highly recommend it and the reason so many are recommending that to you is because.. it really does work if you work it. Individul therapy has also helped me tremendously. Welcome to MIP and keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I want to thank each and everyone for your kind words and support. I never knew how much of an impact this has affected my life till I stepped back and took a look at how things really are. I have been through a domestic situation in the past but he was not a drug user. I don't think I fully had the time to myself to heal and love myself and I ended up getting into a relationship with the guy I speak about now.
The red flags have been ignored and this journey that I have been on with him, flashed before my eyes now that I think about it. The more I just put the negative to the side and kept it going, i pretty much was on drugs without being on drugs. I worry a lot and I worry about the wrong things with him. This sounds sad but I would get more upset about the mother of his child and him flirting with other girls than his drug addiction. I looked it as, "Hey im not doing it, so its not affecting me!" completely wrong. Maybe not physically but I think the mental aspect of it is 100% worse, especially being a co- dependent person.
The hardest part of leaving this is not the drugs, its my addiction to him and thinking he will change and get back with her if I leave or he will become the man I want him to be now after I leave. (Very sad thinking) I know as a human being and caring for everyone, I should be caring for what this person is doing to himself, but I am numb to caring about him helping himself. I feel spiteful and really dont care if he changes and I want him to go to prison.
My mind is so confused because when I am not talking to him or visiting him in jail (where he is now) I am constantly on these sites and other forums expressing my feelings and gaining support. Its like one half of my brain is completely utterly done, looking into the bright road ahead and the other side of my brain is brainwashed into his fantasy world.
I want to cut him off and go cold turkey but just like cigarettes are an addiction just like drugs for him, I dont know how to. Of course, just cutting him off and letting go.
For example, tonight I went to visit him with all intention to cut it off, he kept saying he loves me and never mentioned it back. I can't even have an intellectual conversation with him, without him talking about sex, other guys he thinks im dating and how much things are gonna change when he gets out and how he will pay me back every penny he took from me. Yes, these reasons are enough to make any sane woman leave.
But him being in jail and not have access to getting high, gives me a false hope that he is serious. I pretty much am done in my mind, heart and soul. But its like my mind is paralyzed to doing that.
He has made me feel so much guilt that I would probably be more upset to not talk to him and worry and care more to see how he is doing than visa versa.
But one thing for sure that I read from all your post is a sponsor. I didnt know the familys and spouses of addicts can have sponsors too. I sometimes think I annoy my friends because I always run to them to tell them everything. How do I obtain a sponsor? Would I have to go to a meeting. I promised myself I would go to Al-Anon and co dependency meetings, but having this online helps a lot
Get to meetings and listen to others and pick someone who seems to have been around a while, someone you think has positive things to say and is working a program and ask that person to be your sponsor. If they say "no" do not take offense they may not have been in alanon so long or maybe have too many sponsees.. but yes, alanon works the 12 steps just like AA, sponsors and all those sweet perks. You are worth it!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
