The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I went to a meeting tonight because I was "Feeling" So bad .. I walked in and the 4 others were joyful, being positive .. I thought Here I am again .. So, I said .. Hi .. I'm Debbie .. Downer .. everyone knows me though but i said here i am tonight .. Another monday and another rough night .. I "Felt" absolutely crazy and yet so grateful to be there .. As others were sharing I began listening .. One started talking about Feelings .. and I began thinking of how I had gone driving down there with the Intention of spilling my Feelings all over the table .. Then another shared and I recognised I was sitting there Feeling like i was back with my Family of origin Not being allowed to share Anything Real .. No Feelings at the table (if they were going to bring everybody down) .. Of course these others are my 2nd family and wonderful .. and i'm allowed to share in meetings but I recognised where my Feelings of shame were coming from .. Then as another told a story I recognised my parallel behaviors of that of the Addicts in my life .. We've both been affected hard with Others' Feelings only He ran and used and I ran to alanon .. Same affects; same heavy Feelings, etc..
I shared on my family dynamics tonight .. Mentioned my amends to my family was at the bottom of my 9th step because they were my hardest areas to make changes in (most painful) .. As I shared how crazy I felt I felt better but after the meeting a member came running up to me as i'd headed out the door .. Basically telling me to get past where I am and to let the Feelings Go .. mentioned she was in the same spot before and Knows how it Feels .. At first I was a little defensive with the cross talk after the meeting aspect .. but I know enough to know Nothing happens by mistake .. I also Know and appreciate her, etc.. So I kept my mind open regardless of how I'd "Felt"
When I look at things tonight I recognise how I have Never put me first .. I have Always put My "Feelings" and Other people's "Feelings" first .. There was a poster on here who mentioned caretaking "Feelings' .. that was the Only thing I could take on growing up; I was never allowed to participate in Any other way, So .. I took on Everyone's "Feelings" . seeing as I type this that I guess the Truth is .. That made me "Feel" like part of my Family .. Recognising today that was my real enmeshment .. It's not been with people as I'd thought but with People's "Feelings'" .. All these "Feelings" are drowning me tonight and I "Feel"crazy even because after this person and i spoke I'd "Felt despair" to a sense but Ever since we've talked I'm Recognising "Feelings" and how Much Power I give them .. Anyone Ever had any experiences with being Stuck in "Feelings" or done "Feeling" work through the steps ?? I really could use the esh if you wouldn't Mind .. I'm "Feeling" the disease of my family and "Feeling" like Everything I "Feel" is so overwhelming .. I know "Feelings" aren't Facts but tonight the Fact is .. I "Feel" like they aRe .. !!! please help .. I Need to know if i keep coming I will get through this piece .. I just don't "Feel" like i can let them go .. !!
Truth is As much as I like this person, She Scared me because I "Feel" like I will Always be stuck in "Feelings" ..
reading you I Feel you or do I,, does it ever feel like you really want to be alone....maybe totally isolated just to see if you can really find a feeling or sense of YOU. So concerned always with others that they dictate your day, mood, feeling even when you think they might get you but then being too real might upset the apple cart
I know you have already stated this in your post .. however .. feelings really aren't facts. I have found when I have not addressed my feelings in a positive way (meaning trace, face and erase) that I get that "stuck" feeling. I also noticed that came from not knowing how I felt about something ... I was told what I should feel and what I shouldn't .. if I was angry I was told no you aren't .. when I was sad .. no you aren't sad. I was all mixed up with what I really felt. I couldn't tell you if I felt happy, sad, mad, glad, sorry, ashamed, .. I just had no emotional IQ. I can understand the over identifying with other people and what they were or are going through. If you asked me how I felt I couldn't tell you unless of course I was angry, sad or mad. Everything else was off the map. Even anger comes in different spectrum's and sometimes I couldn't tell that I was starting the build of a blow up.
All I can tell you is .. what worked for me is identifying what it was I was feeling .. what was I? Was I feeling anger? Was I feeling sadness? It's important to me I know what I'm experiencing. My mind was trying to tell me that I was feeling something I just didn't know what because after so many years of stuffing everything .. I was just nothing except numb when it came to experiencing anything except confusion and anger. I totally got anger down I know when I feel that way. I couldn't identify other emotions.
That's pretty big to see that you are giving your feelings that much power.
What I don't do during those times until I can figure out what I'm feeling is I don't make any big decisions. I call my sponsor, a very trusted friend, an alanon friend, see a counselor, something to help me identify what it is I'm actually feeling. Then I go and look at why am I feeling that way. Then I can say .. ok .. is this something I can address or will it just pass. It is a lot of work to do in the beginning the pay off is that when that emotion pops up again (and it does .. lol .. because that's how feelings work), it doesn't take me as long to work through it because NOW I know how I feel and I can say ohhh that's such and such .. ok .. what happened that I feel that way .. can I control what happened, do I need to address it, or do I just let it go? I then wait 24 hours (if time permits) and by that time .. this to shall pass sometimes it's really not as big of a deal as it felt in that moment.
It does get better and it does get easier. When I start to experience these things though I know I'm right on the verge of a break through not a stuck point. I encourage you to be easy on yourself and just give it time don't stress over not knowing how you feel. It's going to come. I do encourage you to get a sponsor if you don't have one, it makes a very big difference to know you have someone to call and will help you identify what is going on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is so verry understandable since, in our family of origin we were told we "Were responsible for everyone else's feelings" and that our feelings did not count. We were taught to disregard our true instincts,and inner voice and stuff our feelings because they were "Not Important". Now that we are grown ups these tools DO NOT Work We must feel OUR feelings, Find a safe person and place to express them, sort them out find out what is real and true and what is false All this is a process We have truly lost ourselves thinking g that we cold disappear and take care of others and we would be taken care of. It does not work that way
We need to Find out Who we are, What we need and express it. These Boards and Meetings taught me how to do jus th
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of January 2012 10:28:35 PM
Thank you so much for your most honest post on "feelings". I have gained ESH from you and those who have replied. I am one of the "walking dead" who at my age am embarrassed to admit I don't know who I am and what I am feeling...... but I am working on it and old habits die hard..... I am in support of your questioning and being on this website that is so helpful.
Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
If you think about it, this is a process of self-discovery and what a can of worms that is bound to open! I know for me, I had swept a lot under the rug... for years! It was the best I could do.
When I would phone my sponsor in early recovery, she could get me to relax in a matter of minutes. (she is having surgery today... please send prayers, love and light to vivian!) Sometimes it was just a matter of hearing her voice....
She had a way of helping me to not take myself so seriously. To not get into the panic mode of "omg, this is serious!!!" That is never the guidance of higher power for me. I can certainly do it, and certainly have.... it was just soooo unnecessary. Higher power reveals things to me for my benefit, so that I can grow spiritually, ever closer.
The goal is serenity. And I can trust that the information that comes is for my healing. It's a gift and I don't have to be afraid.
Journaling is helpful, just get it out. Be where you are, it is safe. Think of the process as having stirred a glass of muddy water.... get quiet, be where you are... and it will settle and become clear. Just takes time. When I prayed for healing, God never dropped me on my head.
Trust. And breathe deeply.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can relate to the stuck feeling also being a apart of nothing knowing how i feel about something .. I don't know how I feel about anything right now .. I just know I feel plain bad .. but I also know i felt responsible for everybody's feelings .. that also helps to give an understanding .. Everything was about making my parents and family members Feel better .. what bothered me about the woman talking to me after the meeting last night if the fact that I Need to be able to talk about my family and the message was that if i talk about it i'm staying stuck in it .. well in my experience i stay stuck in things i Don't talk about .. If i show up to a meeting and sit in fear that what I share might be commented on, then i'm losing more of my recovery .. I believe i'm supposed to work through this all with my family .. I have much stuck grief and need the atmosphere where noone tells me i'm staying Stuck in the past, etc.. or what to and what not to share .. Hope that's understood ... dunno .. maybe i have something more to learn in that area ..
definite prayers for Vivian .. & for you .. I so appreciate the message of hope to be still and that i'm safe .. I do journal and am going to really get back into it so that I can look back on my own process of progress .. It is definitely opening a can of worms but I know this area is needing to be healed .. I just have to trust that it is the right time to open this can ..
Thanks again to everyone ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 3rd of January 2012 08:09:19 AM
I also appreciate the humor in the last line .. Gods never dropped me on my head either .. I got something from every reply and fully appreciate each of you ..
You've probably heard, that when anyone points their finger, there are 3 pointing right back at them. When someone claims that I am stuck/not working the program, she may very well be taking her own inventory. How do I know? I do it all the time, lol. People don't behave the way I want them to... therefore, I need al-anon.
I get impatient too, when someone comes week after week, sharing on the same thing over and over... when it looks like they're not taking any of the suggestions, not getting a sponsor, not practicing the steps, etc. But then I remember.... that's how I started too!!! I had to be where I was at, I had to accept where I was. I had to vomit up the poison, it was the ONLY way to get it out. It was the process of healing for me. Did some people roll their eyes and shift in their chairs? yep.
We're not perfect, we're all just trying to do our best. Try to remember that God brought us all together as a fellowship of micro-managing control freaks, hahaha! And yet, somehow, we find healing. We're all trying to recover. And miraculously, we do.
Trust. Trust the 12 steps, trust how the fellowship works, and trust Higher power. When I can't do that, I pray for help. Be where you are. It is safe.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 3rd of January 2012 11:19:00 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I had another awareness on my Feelings .. the word My jumped out at me .. Go figure .. I am seeing patterns of Major manipulation .. The addicts have used behaviors that affect My feelings to keep me controlled & confused .. At the end of the day I said i was enmeshed with feelings .. other peoples feelings .. that i was in an 11 year relationship with feelings .. Mine .. At the end of the day Because I was so confused I thought being enmeshed with feelings meant I was carrying My feelings and others but if i'm thinking clear that's the confusion part .. All of the Feelings I feel are Mine .. sigh .. just like All the voices in my head Are Mine .. !! Geezz does this Ever Become about someone ELSE lol .. thanks for sharing ..
everyone knows me though but i said here i am tonight .. Another monday and another rough night .. I "Felt" absolutely crazy and yet so grateful to be there .. As others were sharing I began listening .. One started talking about Feelings .. and I began thinking of how I had gone driving down there with the Intention of spilling my Feelings all over the table .. Then another shared and I recognised I was sitting there Feeling like i was back with my Family of origin Not being allowed to share Anything Real .. No Feelings at the table (if they were going to bring everybody down) .. Of course these others are my 2nd family and wonderful .. and i'm allowed to share in meetings but I recognised where my Feelings of shame were coming from .. Then as another told a story I recognised my parallel behaviors of that of the Addicts in my life .. We've both been affected hard with Others' Feelings only He ran and used and I ran to alanon .. Same affects; same heavy Feelings, etc..