The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am, step 1. I found this board because I believe my HP led me here. 6 months ago, my AH announced he was leaving after 20 years. I was devastated. The past few years were challenging in our lives, we were struggling with a depressed teen (now healthy, in recovery) we entered family therapy together & gained tools that resemble the accountability & intention of the 12 steps. We were just coming out of the storm with teen...AH was struggling & fighting with the the positive changes we were making to change the family dynamic. Teen & I had shifted, AH liked his comfort zone - he didn't like the positive change was forcing him to give up control. He fought us all the way - we were tired of doing the same things over & over expecting different results. We found a way that was accountable, removed conflict & gave us a healthier way to live in our family dynamic. My opinion, the healthy changes we were working on as a family would have made him be accountable & responsible for his actions/addiction. He bailed.
The past 6 months since he left, I have seen his drinking increase, I recognize I can't fix it, control it or change it. Over Thanksgiving, we spent a week together with our son at our family vacation home. I chose to go after I started to notice (what I thought were changes) in him to take some steps back towards us, announcing he knows he has issues he needs to work on, his life has been a lie for the past 6 months, he isn't happy with his choices & that he has hurt us - blah...blah...blah. He flipped his switch soon after returing home and has pulled away again. I am upset with myself that I allowed the madness of this disease to suck me back in on this roller coaster of emotions with his manipulation. I have the tools -- I put them away & gave in to my emotions of his possibility to take some steps. What the heck was I thinking? I gave my power & energy away to him!
A few weeks ago, I declared step 1 yet again. I turned this over to my HP with the intention to get out of His way & I am working on detachment. I struggle with establishing boundaries where the AH is concerned - I hurt from the pain this has caused me & my two children. He has fractured relationships with all of us. I want to 'blast him' about his lip service to us, announcing he has issues to work on & doing nothing. To me it is like announcing 'I have a flat tire' Then doing absolutely nothing about it except ride around on it until you do further damage to the rims!
Last night I had a peaceful New Year's Eve with my son. At midnight, the tears came out of nowhere, so many mixed emotions. Happiness for my son's recovery, sadness for my AH's insanity, invisioning him out partying it up with no thought or care about us and the anger I felt because of the selfishness of this disease -- first time without him for New Years in 20 years, all the memories of happier times before this disease progressed.
Working on detachment, following the peace. I need to be here. Thanks for listening.
You definitely do have some tools and I can see you have great awareness. If you keep at this it will continue to show rewards. Don't beat yourself up too much for being at odds with you emotions about wanting to believe what your husband says. The program can't protect you from getting your feelings hurt all the time and you still want to take some risks for your own happiness. Sometimes those risks work out and sometimes not. The point is that you do have tools from the program now and are a gazillion times better off than you would be otherwise.
Welcome LinD, you know youre in the right place and you have got yourself facing in the right direction. This is all great awareness. Do you go to face to face meetings? If not, I highly recommend them... and also if you can get your hands on some al-anon literature that will help. A trusted al-anon friend once said to me.. "if youre husband's program starts to slip thats when you put your nose in your books and get deeper in your program" and that is what I do. I know you two are separated but its the same idea... for you to focus on you. Keep coming back and posting.. Youre son is very fortunate to have a mother who is working on herself.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Welcome to MIP! You are not alone and have come to the right place. My AHsober moved out over six years ago. This was after 30 years of marriage and three sons. Talk about memories. We did everything together and with our sons - New Year's Eve, watching the Super Bowl, family trips. We have not divorced but we don't even do Christmas together. What he has done since he moved out is unacceptable. I told my youngest son that you shouldn't treat your partner like he treats me.
The only explanation is that it is the disease of alcoholism. My Ahsober hasn't drank in over 20 years. He is a dry drunk and is stuck in his alcoholic behavior. I try to take care of myself by going to face to face meetings, reading the literature, taking care of myself, talking to my sponsor, and embracing the program. You just don't know what the outcome will be. I still cry and ask why and then I try to work the program. All the best.
Thanks to all your replies. It helps to hear from others, to know I am not alone, that others understand the madness that comes from the affects & choices of another's addictions.
I have come to recognize over the past year my enable/rescuer traits & did a great deal of work to shift. That was when I saw my AH begin to come unhindged. When he left he announced 'we are not on the same page, I don't want to do this program' I was devastated, how could he not be in support of a program that was for the success & well-being for our son?
Now that the fog has lifted & I have had the opportunity to see the forest through the trees, it is clear to me. The program is based on accountability, responsibility, values, intention. Our son's return home from treatment & working a program as a family was too much of a threat to AH's addiction to alcohol. Bottom line is -- he didn't choose us, he chose the addiction & left. His behavior was like that of a frat boy - hanging out & drinking with people considerably younger, living on a house-boat, taking up with an alcoholic woman who was once considererd a friend, ignoring the kids. The list goes on & on.
I have been reading the literature, and this week I will be going to a face-to-face meeting. I set an intention for 2012 to focus on detachment & working my program. I am worthy, I am enough & I deserve happiness in my life. Thanks for listening!
