The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have just come back from going out for a meal with my abf. besides the akward silent moments, during our meal i was looking at this man whom i fell so very deeply in love with when we first met. and i was feeling sad, sad for myself as i am grieving the man i first met but also a sadness for him, who looked to be trying so hard for me and for us to have a lovely night together. but who also seemed so far away and totally in the grips of his addiction. my heart went out to him for the very first time. i have been filled with so much hurt and anger woah an anger i never knew i had in me just lately, it has been making me ill. but suddenly and very briefly it seemed to shift for a while as i looked over and honestly for the first time looked at him different seen things a little different, i felt a little different. i dont know exactly what it was but it was like a profound feeling in my heart that for the first time i felt those 3 cs i guess. i just suddenly thought to myself the madness i have been going through where the hell has it got me? well ill tell you, i quite honestly thought i was losing my mind each day i was clinging onto so much anger and resentments i could feel it twisting in my mind and in my body. and all the while nothing had changed with him but i had changed drastically. right there and then i felt the acceptance flow right through me of how completly powerless i am over his addiction. i am not sure if im explaining this properly but being told im powerless yep fine i understand i get it, reading that im powerless yes yes i understand but only tonight did i feel it within if that makes sense whilst looking over the table at him. i am not sure if making much sense to anyone here but its strange i came home feeling a little bit different and a little bit calmer a little bit lighter than i have done in so long. i can see how much i now need to focus on me. because my anger is destroying me. i just wanted to share this with you all before i head off to bed beside my abf who is probably comatozed and away with the fairies. no nothings changed for him but for the first time i feel a little something shift in me. i know i have a whole long journey ahead of me and like this new year bring it on! so my lovely dear special new friends i wish you all the very best in health and happiness for the new year and look forward to starting my new journey with you all. much love
I have been brought to my knees quite a few times. It is a humbling experience. One minute I'm zinging along thinking I'm fine. Then whammo I'm step oneing again. Very powerful and amazing. Afterwards I find I learn something new about myself. It's all part of the recovery journey.
SS, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Your words are words I have spoken. I have said I get it mentally, I am smart, intellectually it made sense that I am powerless, that I should give it to God. But you can't really do it and it does not change your life until you feel it at a gut level. For whatever reason last night you felt it at a gut level and I completely relate. For me it took something a little more eye opening (my husband was dying in front of me.) Thats what it took for me to take steps one through three. Because I understood it logically but my HP decided that I had to see it. I guess Im visual or something. Once that hits you at a gut level, though, youre not the same. and as Tracey said you learn new things about yourself and its humbling. I feel that same exact way. Like I was spending so much time on how to play God and it is very humbling and therefore empowering when you discover that there is an easier way to handle all of this and it involves not handling it at all. Thanks for your share.. and happy new year to you too!
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Sunday 1st of January 2012 10:54:59 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Sending you so much support on you journey! It, for me, has been a humbling and bittersweet experience. Lately more sweet than bitter...There are some great passages on anger and resentment in Courage to Change (One of Al Anon's daily readers) that help me tremendously. Again, sending you support. hugs
